Trisha's side of it

Vc writes for Trisha in response to Jitu

July 11 2007 -7. That’s the count for today. I don’t know if I should be frustrated or amused. Well, the girl was nice-ish, good family and all that blah. But, she just isn’t HER. I think even mom is beginning to tire. She’s going back home tomorrow, finding a Mallu match in Bangalore is harder than I thought. No match seems to work. If we agree, the girl’s side doesn’t.  And only for ones we aren’t too interested in, we get a “Yes”.
It is tiring to put myself out there each day. Each time I step over the threshold into a house, I wonder if the girl of my dreams is about to greet me. The strain is telling on me. I don’t want to wonder if something is wrong in me or if I will be forced to settle for someone lesser than what I want. I think I should stop this search for a while and just let life play itself out. After all, if and when it’s meant to be, it will, right?

Jul 11 2007,
I love dogs! I knew I would be doing something for them when I was 7.  Hi my name is Trsiha , my father Pinarai Vijayan Kutty, took one look at me when I was 10 minutes old and said I was Nobel, hence the name Trish . I always wanted to join the College of Veterinary and Animal Sciences and become a Veterianian Doctor , Thrissur which is stone’s throw away from grandpa’s farm house. It’s been a year since I started my own clinic, here in Bangalore and I love my job.




July 13 2007Mom’s gone home, so it’s back to food at the mess 3 times a day. I already miss her cooking. I wonder why she goes back as soon as she can. I would love for her to stay here with me. Even if dad were still with us, I would find a way for all of us to be here. Probably, that’s the biggest tug she has to go back home.  Maybe I should move back too. There’s nothing to keep me here, just a job. I should be able to find one closer home. It would be fun to go to work from there. Same home, all the memories of dad, all my friends and of course Mom. Sigh. An IT  job in my village. Only in my wildest fantasies.
Well, that’s it for now. Chiggy has a party tomorrow, will have to find a way to wriggle my way out of it. Ever since he’s gotten married, he’s been on my case. How am I to help it if he married the first girl he saw. Listening to his “Abhi tak nahi mili kya be” 10 times a day at office is bad enough, I don’t want to go to his house and have him do it in front of bhabhi.  Maybe I’ll just say I have some extra work to finish and can’t come.

July 13 2007
Savithri Pillai is throwing a party. Her husband Chittaranjan Dasgupta works for a software firm and he is full of life. I am wondering if I should go ? What will Pa say ? His words of wisdom are still echoing in my ears. Sigh!. I’ll tell her I had an important client, haha  a bulldog with a piece of bone stuck to his teeth. 

Damn ! Savithri never gives up ,  so here I am trying to select a suitable attire for the party. Thank God I went shopping last week. I wonder where I kept my bangles.




July 14 2007Thank God I know Chiggy. Thank God he forced me to attend his party.
I saw my angel today, all thanks to him. I walked in wondering how to plan my escape and there she was. She noticed bhabhi looking at the door and turned  to see who it was. As those big eyes looked at me and that strand of hair fell across her face, I was a goner. She had me with that look. She looked away. I kept looking at her and would have all night if Chiggy didn’t elbow me right in the rib cage.”Aise mat dekh be, thoda to sharm kar”. I looked back and she had a small smile on her face, she had heard that. *^@#*%^ Chiggy and his boom box voice.
I didn’t see who else was in the house. No one was visible to me but my angel in blue. Each time she lifted her hand to move that strand of hair off her face, her bangles would make this beautiful sound. Mr. Boombox leaned in and said “Intro chahiye?Teri bhabhi ki dost hai. ” I managed to nod a yes while I was trying to gather my wits. Was I being that transparent, what would she think?
She and bhabhi were getting off the sofa. I panicked. Was she leaving? I couldn’t let her go. I literally ran across the hall and when I reached her, I had no idea what to say or what to do. I just stood there looking at her. She raised her eyebrows, looked at bhabhi and managed a smile. In that eternity, I was frozen to the spot. I could have walked on by. I could have spoken to Bhabhi. I didn’t have to cross the hall. The earth could have opened up and swallowed me. But no. I just stood there. Bhabhi must have figured it out. “This is Jitu”, she introduced me to her. She nodded and said hi. I wanted to smile, I wanted to say hi. But no. I just stood there. “I am Trisha” she said. And gave me her hand. I could have shook her hand. The hand with the bangles. They made their jingling sound when she thrust her hand out. My mind was screaming “You are wondering whether it is a jingling or a tinkling sound. Jackass, shake her hand. She thinks you are a weirdo. Her face is changing . Dude, do something.”  I manage to put out my hand and immediately took them back, they were clammy.  “Dude, do something.” So , I do a namaste. Then she gives me “What kind of a whacko are you” look and smiles again.
She turned to leave and I blurted out “Are you leaving, don’t go”. She burst out laughing. That did it. I had decided.
When I finally decided that I wouldn’t think of marriage, she popped into my life. Perfect timing I must say.
We spent most of the evening together, even though bhabhi kept acting as a chaperone, all the while winking at Chiggy across the room.
I took her number. I think mom will need to come back here again.

July 14 2007

I am the first of the guests to arrive for the Party. I try to help Savithri set up the Garlic Shrimps, I take a bite, yummy. Chittaranjan Bhaiya is fiddling with the new Bose System,I hope they play that new track from Dr Dre “ I need a doctor” I need a doctor, doctor To bring me back to life .  Why is that guy staring at me? Sigh* I think I overheard Chittaranjan Bhaiya talking to that stranger,haha so he thinks I am attractive.Guys!  Savithri comes over and tells me that there are 4 people checking me out. I smile, I should have work something not so eyecatching. J I think I like the attention. It’s getting late I have to be going now, where is my bag. Oh ! wait Bhaiya is introducing me to one of his weird friends. Sigh, lets get on with it, Jitu his parents must be a fan of Jumping Jack Jeetendra ,” 

ek banjaara gaaye jeevan ke geet sunaaye hum sab jeene waalon ko jeene ki raah bataaye ek banjaara gaaye Ho Ho! ..( smile) I put my hand out. Who is this guy, he is so funny ! haha.Let me grab some more of those shrimp entrée’s. Wow he actually can speak J. This evening is going to be interesting.

I didn’t know anyone could be so interesting. Jeetu works for a software firm along with Chirraranjan Bhaiya and hails from a small town near Kottayyam. He looks like a honest and decent chap. Everytime he talks, I just look into his eyes. Sigh.I think he works out everyday ;) 

Why is Savithri winking at Bhaiya ? Maybe their personal joke. They make a nice couple.I wonder if I will meet Jeetu again. I would like to.



August 3 2007After that first meeting, I got as much info as I could. She is a Mallu(mom was so happy about that). She has a few relatives in Kerala and has lived in Bangalore all her life. She works as a veterinarian. I managed to gather the nerves to call her and have a little bit of conversation I love that all our conversations seem to pick off as if there was no break. I love that she laughs at all my jokes. I love that she talks with so much honesty. Nothing romantic really, but I guess we have all our lives for that. I am sure she knows what I feel. She doesn’t give away much.

August 3 2007
Today I received an interesting call. Jeetu . I wonder how he got Savithri to give my number.He is funny and I don’t think I have every laughed so much. The patients waiting in the next room would have been scandalized thank God they don’t understand Malayalam. :) I think I will meet him over the weekend.


September 6 2007It was really funny when she came out with a tea tray. Her parents think it is an arranged marriage setting. I didn’t let them know that I made sure her uncle found out that I was an available groom and would be a good match for her. It took me a long time to make sure he found me via his friend’s brother’s  son’s office mate who was in my team. Ha ha ha , someday, I will tell her about this.
She knew I was coming of course, my photo and bio data got sent. We didn’t speak about it. When she gave me the tea, she smiled. We were conspirators together in this.

September 6 2007
I am scared. I don’t know what will happen if Pa finds out that I already know Jeetu. I wonder how Uncle Kunjumon got this alliance. When I told Jeetu that my parents were looking for alliances, he smiled and told that he would be the first and last groom she would see. Hah !  I was so surprised and almost dropped the phone when amma told me that Jeetu was coming .

Now I have to go serve him tea, hah, I’ll add a couple of spoons of salt. Serves him right for keeping me in the dark :) 

July 14 2010It’s been 3 years since I first met Trisha. I didn’t know that. Being bad with dates does that for you. She told me today. Mrs. Trisha Jitu.  I couldn’t be more thankful for anything else. That includes of course, our week old little bundle of joy. I think I will call him Chiggy at home. J

P2E2RAD

Everyone is waiting with their confirmation letters in their hands. Most of them look worried, I don’t think I do.I wonder if I should be nervous. I finally made it here.18 years of studying every single day and I finally landed a job. While college was a hoot and I will miss my family and friends back in Jaipur like crazy, I am looking forward to this. My working life begins today. I traded my jeans and T-shirt for a nice formal outfit. I think I’ll need to get some more though, I can’t go on rotating the 4 shirts that I got for the interviews. And maybe change my backpack. Everyone else is carrying them too, we still look like college kids. Lots of shopping to do. I think I need my first salary right away J

I checked out the competition as soon as I got into the lobby. It’s almost like having walked into my class on the first day – the usual mix of nerds, backbencher types, some locals and some non-locals. I am not sure how many friends I will make. I wonder who among these guys, I will work with. I also checked out the girls. Delhi certainly has prettier girls than back home. I didn’t want to stare too much and seem shady. A few casual glances show me that there are roughly less than half the number of girls as guys. Competition again J

The HR walked in and started calling out names and people started getting up one by one. Anuj,  ……, Neil, Pankaj, Prachi, … This Prachi was definitely the prettiest of the lot. I had noticed her already, she was sitting silently looking at her file. I wish I get to be in the same batch as her. “Pratap  are you here?” the HR lady’s voice broke the spell. I looked around for the person she was calling out for and then it hit me. “Yes ma’am, I’m here”. I was so busy staring at Prachi that I didn’t realize she had called out my name. :D I walked over , trying to look as stylish as possible and stood next to Prachi. She turned to me and gave me a small smile. Haiiiiiiiii .

As luck would have it, we were in the same batch – Freshers016. And for the first time ever I was really really happy that my parents named me Pratap. That put me right next to Prachi in the list. Which meant we were lab partners. Yahoooooo.

We settled into a routine of classes in the morning and labs in the afternoon, most of it was a refresher of all that we did in college. But I was thankful for it, the 5 months gap caused more memory loss of Coding concepts than I had realized. I got used to living in a PG, using trains to commute, talking to my parents every other day. I think I could also get used to being around Prachi. It’s been only a week since we started talking. I got to know a little bit about her. She’s a Punjabi but settled in Varanasi and now in Delhi for work. She finished her degree in Varanasi, so Delhi is new for her too. Her brother is in the US working for a big MNC. She doesn’t seem to like coding too much and I don’t mind helping her out. She’s from an Electronics background and is learning all this for the first time. I think she is catching up fast.

All the girls have lunch together. So, in a day, the only time I am not really with her is during lunch. I think I am picking up a new habit here. Taking tea/coffee breaks other than lunch, once at 11 in the morning and again at 4 in the evening. I do love my tea in the mornings but there’s no one to make it here. So, office tea at 11 will have to do. The other guys seem to be pretty nice. There are few guys from Rajasthan as well, but most of them are from Delhi itself. I envy them. They get nice home cooked meals for lunch whereas I have to suffer canteen food. All through college, I refused to take a box from home, even though mom kept trying to force me. Now, I wish she were here to do it.

At the end of 1 month, I went home. And my mom immediately started off with “You have become sooo thin. Is there no food there? What are you doing there?” I tell her that I miss her too J) She has so many questions for me. “How is Delhi? I hear the people are very rude. That it is very hot. That there is too much traffic. Did you make any friends? Anybody from Jaipur?Did you see Qutub Minar? What all did you see?” I had to answer all of them patiently while she served me my first home made meal in ages. I could have hugged her then and there. But I didn’t, she would have thought I learnt new things in Delhi . Ha ha ha .

Back in Delhi, we started to learn bigger things like process, QE, lifecycles and started working on real projects. The training period was to last 3 months. And most of us became good friends. Then someone suggested a trip to Taj Mahal for the weekend. Everyone agreed and preparations were on in full swing. Transport, Overnight stay at Agra, food and what nots. Luckily enough, we chose a date when there would be a full moon. So, we would get a night viewing of the magnificient Taj.

Akash that people have no sense of time and now we might get caught in traffic. And of course we’ll be late and the sun will be worse. We had booked the non-AC traveler, because we planned to leave early. Prachi got out, with her red coloured pallu over her head. She saw me notice it and pulled it back. I wish she hadn’t, she looked even prettier with the red color adorning her face. I nod a hi and she seems to have something to say. I move away from Akash and say “What’s up? Girls are always late. Putting on make up is it :-P” and said, in a way that only she can, “Well, if the way you looked at me when I got out of the auto is any indication, then I think being late did the trick.” she laughed her infectious Punjabi laughter. I am sure I would have turned red to the roots of my hair if she hadn’t winked. I just had to join her in laughter. And that was that. I knew that this day would be special.

She then told me that it was her birthday the next day and since she might not be able to go to a temple tomorrow, she had gone in the morning. Which she said explains why she was late and the pallu on her head. And I felt like a prize ass for not having found that out. She was my closest friend here and I didn’t know her birthday. I had to do something and I didn’t know what. I didn’t even have a bike. I missed my Yamaha Rx 150.I asked everyone who had one - Manu, Sridhar and even Sweety for her girly pink Scooty. No one had come in their  bikes. Everyone had taken a drop. So, I had to take an auto. And I went in search for a bakery that would be open at 8.15 in the morning. I knew what I would do, I would have her cut the cake at midnight today in front of the Taj under the full moon. By the time I found one and got back, everyone had arrived and I got some real dirty looks from guys who had come after me. Ha ha ha. We started off. The journey was fun. Singing, dancing, dumb charades, the whole works. I think we all were still in college mode.

Evening arrived, we were all ready after having rested in the noon in the hotel. Resting mostly involved all the guys goofing off. Talking about life, work, the future. That’s when I realized, Prachi was my partner now but if she got placed in a different project, everything would change. The thought did something to my insides. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t want her to go anywhere else but be with me. Always. There were only 30 days left in training. 2 months had gone by. I spend so much time with her that I take her for granted. Her laughter, how pretty she is, the way she talks to herself while solving some problem, that way she can make u feel happy by just talking with you. My insides were really squirming badly by now. I always knew I thought she was pretty, I even accepted that I might have had a crush on her. But now, she’s just my buddy, isn’t she? Then why do I feel so bad and torn when I consider the fact that she might be placed elsewhere.

And suddenly, it seemed so simple that I was surprised I hadn’t realized before. I had more feelings for her than just a crush. The weight of that realization should have crushed me, but I felt happier than I had for quite some time. I felt so alive, so light, so wonderful and started smiling to myself.

“Prachi na dude. Kya smile kar raha hai dekh” I looked at Ankur, he was smiling at me and I realized I must be looking like some sort of idiot smiling to myself. “Cake-shake, smiling to yourself… Sab dikhta hai”. I didn’t even have the heart to deny it and they all pounced upon me.”You proposed?” “Does she like you too?” In my newly attained happiness, I had forgotten the minor fact of “What did she feel”. Another sort of panic took hold of me. But still, the feeling of “I am in love” had such a wonderful effect on me, that I didn’t want to worry too much about my feelings being reciprocated.

I had always wondered how poetry was written. How love worked. How you could be affected by another person. And I had just realized all that. I wanted to tell her all that I felt. Suddenly, emotions and feelings that I had no idea existed within me seemed to bubble up. I wanted to talk to her immediately. I could have called her, but I knew I wouldn’t know what to say and would fumble.

So, a few hours later, in time for the viewing of the Taj, here we are outside the hotel. I search for her. The girls are late as usual. She walked down the stairs laughing at someone’s joke. She was wearing a pretty white dress, with silvery patterns on it. She had never looked prettier ever. My heart was beating so fast and I was wishing that she would look at me, that I was there right in front of her. She turned suddenly and looked at me, as if I had called her. She had a look of mild surprise on her face for a split second and it was gone as she flashed her huge smile at me. I managed to sheepishly smile back. I didn’t have the guts to walk upto her. And it definitely didn’t help that Ankur was elbowing me in the back. She walked up to me. And said “So, looks like this make up is better than mornings” giggled and walked away in such an enticing sway that my throat went dry, I couldn’t think of a witty response. I just stood there wordless. How could I have been so blind. She was flirting with me. Did that mean she liked me ? Or was that just the way she is? Oh God, I need to talk to her.

But there was no time. We all got bundled into separate buses, thankfully, I wouldn’t have known what to say if we sat together.

A few minutes before midnight, we all had her cut the cake. She was really surprised and really happy. She seemed so filled with energy. I am glad I got the cake.

After a while, I was walking around with my SLR trying to get some good shots for my photography club. I tend to work alone that way. No distractions, looking for that one unique elusive shot. And suddenly, a hand slipped into mine. It was her. She looked at me, probably partly apprehensive about what I would do. She whispered “Thank you. For the cake.” I smiled. I didn’t know what to do with the hand, should I hold on, what would she think. Should I move away, nope, definitely don’t want to do that. So, I just squeezed her hand a tiny bit and went back to being blank faced.

“I love you”. She had stopped walking with me, she was 2 steps behind me. She had said it. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t trust myself enough to turn around and behave normally. I looked back at her, she was standing there looking shy and a small smile on her face. I walked back to her, took both her hands in mine and said “I love you”. And we kissed. I don’t know if it was the full moon, the Taj, her pretty face, the romantic mood or just the feeling of being in love. Whatever it was, at that moment, I did not think about anything other than how soft her lips were.

We walked back to the group holding hands. We didn’t say anything. Everybody noticed but nobody reacted as if it were something new. I guess the whole world knew about it before we did.

The last month of training went by as if someone had put time on fastforward. There seemed to be more assignments, tests, internal interviews. Alongside work and more importantly, our relationship began to blossom.We savored every waking moment with each other. Love is such a wondrous thing. The world does seem nicer. Everyone looks happier. All sorts of poetry starts to make sense. Tea breaks, lunch, dinner, phone calls when we were apart – didn’t seem enough. I got to know more about her. Of all the things I had discovered, what pleased me most was that she loved bikes almost as much as I did. I should thank her brother for introducing her to bikes. I had my dad send over my Yamaha, we would go for long drives. And she would drive half way. I couldn’t have asked for more.

And finally the dreaded day came. When they would call out the project placements. It was the same HR lady who had first put me next to Prachi.

Delhi – ……….,  Ankur, Rajender, Dhriti, Pratap, Tara., …… .

That was me. I had to stay here. And they didn’t read Prachi’s name for Delhi or Pune or Bangalore. Where would she be put.

Chennai. That’s where she went finally.

My world ended. Chennai. Where was that? Somewhere in South India, I had never ventured South. And they were going to put her there. I looked at her across  the room and she just nodded. We knew there was a chance that something like this would happen. As much as we hoped against it. She got into the group of her Chennai-going mates and  began to discuss something. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t reacting to this at all. I hated all those people standing around. She had forgotten about me, about us? How could she be there looking so unaffected. I was gripped with anguish. I wanted to scream. She was going away from me.

She spoke to me at the first instance we could find to be alone. “It will be ok. It will be tough, but we can take flights occasionally. Phones are always there.” She kept talking and kept pleading with me, but I was not appeased. It took me a few hours before I realized she was right and there was nothing that I could do. She took it more calmly than I did. But it did affect her as much as it did me. I found some solace in that fact.It was Friday and we would have to report to our respective projects on Monday. She made arrangements to leave on Sunday morning. That gave us just 1 day to be with each other. I accompanied her for shopping, helped her pack, we went around to our favourite haunts – the golgappa wallah, the icecream parlor and finally dinner at the fancy restaurant we always dreamt of going to. This was an occasion as good as any.

I dropped her at the airport the next. I didn’t want to let go. I could see the tears filling her eyes. I held her in my arms and told her I would be there with her soon. It was a gut wrenching moment for me to see her turn away, push the trolley and walk away behind the security check point. I sat at the airport lobby for some time.

It was Sunday morning. What was I going to do? I would normally have picked her up and headed for a movie at the mall. But that wasn’t an option any more was it. There was this hole in my life suddenly. And the piece that fit into it was currently being carried away from me in a big metal bird, carried far away to the other end of the country.

Time allows you to accept anything. Life too it seems conspires with time. I fell into a project where slavery was endorsed wholeheartedly. I worked like I had no personal life. Late nights were spent on the phone with my love. 5 hours of sleep and 17 hours of work. This became my life for a year. My mom’s shock at the way I look increased each time she saw me(measurable by how loud her gasp sounds as soon as she sets sight on me. Also, measurable by the amount of time the laments go on for)

My project doesn’t give me enough time to pick up and leave for a vacation, so it has to be her travelling north.We met twice over the year. When she went home, she would choose a flight via Delhi and I could spend some time with her. She hasn’t changed at all. Except for some of the lingo she has picked up. She seems to like Chennai and tells me which movies to watch. Not that Tamil movies play here a lot. And she ordered coffee for the first time ever when we went to get some tea.

While I was wondering how to continue like this, some amazing news came in. Another team was going to be added to my project but they were to work out of Bangalore. They needed someone to help them come onboard fast. My manager asked me. Being unmarried has it’s advantages it seems. I jumped at the chance. I am not sure how far Chennai is from Bangalore but both are in South India and that is good enough for me. Prachi asks me if the project can move to Chennai instead of Bangalore. And before I can fume, she bursts out in laughter, she knows how to infuriate me.

My parents worried that I would be going away so far. I had to convince them that it would not be so bad.  I would still visit them once in 2-3 months. Whether it was Delhi-Jaipur or Bangalore-Jaipur, it would be just one flight.

Bangalore seems nice. They don’t have a Metro here. It’s all autos or buses. Life seems slower here than Delhi. I have my own house on rent here. No more PGs for me. Food here is pretty insipid. Everything has daal in it. I think carrying green chillies with me is the best way to deal with food. Work seems better here since I am in training mode, people seem nice too. But best of all, I get to see her every weekend. As great as phones are, nothing beats looking into her eyes and talking. Holding her hand and walking. Riding the bike while she holds me. And on my birthday this year, she gave me a huge surprise, she booked a 350cc “Yamaha” for me which I had wanted for some time now. Unfortunately it has a 8 month waiting period. So, she’ll be in time for my next birthday.

It’ll soon be 2 years and she can quit the company and find something in Bangalore. I think we like the place. We might settle here.

IT Exception throw Frustration

I hate the software industry. I hate the people who make it what it is. I thought I didn’t like college with all the lecturers and their weird power wielding tactics. They seem like amateurs when compared to people who call themselves managers. The frustration in me has been building up for so long and today was the last straw. Day in and day out having to scrape and bow to people who I don’t respect. People who don’t care about what they are doing. People working just to make a living, and not make something happen. People who don’t understand being creative, don’t understand thinking out of the  box, don’t understand that every fresher has unlimited potential. I thought I hated college, but at least they let me grow, they taught me how to streamline my efforts, how to achieve all that I wanted. I couldn’t wait to get out of college and start earning. I couldn’t wait to show the world all that I was capable of. And I got stuck in a IT services company that has thousands of faceless people like me slaving away on useless junk.

I don’t know what to do with all this pent up frustration and anger. It’s rising inside of me like some sort of beast taunting me about my failures. “What of your dreams, what of all your boasts, is this all you will be? Tut tut”. I can’t stand this.

My parents didn’t understand me when I told them I wanted to study computers. They thought I was too artistically oriented to do something geeky. But they were happy because it would ensure that I would not become a starving artist but a respected engineer. Maybe go onsite and meet some goras. Make a lot of money. Little did I know that this would be the cost. My soul dying from the inside.

My lecturers didn’t understand me when I said I could do more than the local authors text book. I didn’t want to code for “Array Multiplication” or “Calculators”. It wasn’t challenging enough. Turns out I wasn’t the “Oiled hair, thick spectacles, first bencher” kinda guy. I loved goofing off, I loved long bike rides, I enjoyed the occasional cigarette. This meant the lecturers couldn’t treat me as a pet. They didn’t know what to do with someone who topped class without working hard and was a last bencher; I got labeled as the show off. It got to me bit by bit. I set out to prove a point. You can have fun and study. But the whole world thinks that isn’t normal.

I stopped caring.  I would choose a bike drive over a B grade Java lecture. Attendance suffered. Grades slipped. I became the long haired, leather jacket wearing, bike ganger who everyone loved to hate. I didn’t care.

I think I made some good choices and then some bad ones. I understood myself and learnt what I wanted from life. Over time, some of that attitude became more subdued and I went back to being my normal self. I had realized that this was my life, I needed to do things the right way to get settled. So, I decided to pour myself all into books and computers. Nobody would be as good as me. Nobody would deliver a better final project than mine. I proved that to the world. I became the guy who wrote a compiler. I loved the feeling. I knew I could do so much more. And then, I landed here.

The job  that I should have loved. But one that I started loathing. Not just the people, but the mediocrity of it all. How do you survive in an environ where nothing is expected of you! Where no one pushes you to be better! Where no one ever appreciates anything you have done!

I should do something about it. What do I do? 

Match Making Jitu

July 11 2007

7. That’s the count for today. I don’t know if I should be frustrated or amused. Well, the girl was nice-ish, good family and all that blah. But, she just isn’t HER. I think even mom is beginning to tire. She’s going back home tomorrow, finding a Mallu match in Bangalore is harder than I thought. No match seems to work. If we agree, the girl’s side doesn’t.  And only for ones we aren’t too interested in, we get a “Yes”.

It is tiring to put myself out there each day. Each time I step over the threshold into a house, I wonder if the girl of my dreams is about to greet me. The strain is telling on me. I don’t want to wonder if something is wrong in me or if I will be forced to settle for someone lesser than what I want. I think I should stop this search for a while and just let life play itself out. After all, if and when it’s meant to be, it will, right?

July 13 2007

Mom’s gone home, so it’s back to food at the mess 3 times a day. I already miss her cooking. I wonder why she goes back as soon as she can. I would love for her to stay here with me. Even if dad were still with us, I would find a way for all of us to be here. Probably, that’s the biggest tug she has to go back home.  Maybe I should move back too. There’s nothing to keep me here, just a job. I should be able to find one closer home. It would be fun to go to work from there. Same home, all the memories of dad, all my friends and of course Mom. Sigh. An IT  job in my village. Only in my wildest fantasies.

Well, that’s it for now. Chiggy has a party tomorrow, will have to find a way to wriggle my way out of it. Ever since he’s gotten married, he’s been on my case. How am I to help it if he married the first girl he saw. Listening to his “Abhi tak nahi mili kya be” 10 times a day at office is bad enough, I don’t want to go to his house and have him do it in front of bhabhi.  Maybe I’ll just say I have some extra work to finish and can’t come.

July 14 2007

Thank God I know Chiggy. Thank God he forced me to attend his party.

I saw my angel today, all thanks to him. I walked in wondering how to plan my escape and there she was. She noticed bhabhi looking at the door and turned  to see who it was. As those big eyes looked at me and that strand of hair fell across her face, I was a goner. She had me with that look. She looked away. I kept looking at her and would have all night if Chiggy didn’t elbow me right in the rib cage.”Aise mat dekh be, thoda to sharm kar”. I looked back and she had a small smile on her face, she had heard that. *^@#*%^ Chiggy and his boom box voice.

I didn’t see who else was in the house. No one was visible to me but my angel in blue. Each time she lifted her hand to move that strand of hair off her face, her bangles would make this beautiful sound. Mr. Boombox leaned in and said “Intro chahiye?Teri bhabhi ki dost hai. ” I managed to nod a yes while I was trying to gather my wits. Was I being that transparent, what would she think?

She and bhabhi were getting off the sofa. I panicked. Was she leaving? I couldn’t let her go. I literally ran across the hall and when I reached her, I had no idea what to say or what to do. I just stood there looking at her. She raised her eyebrows, looked at bhabhi and managed a smile. In that eternity, I was frozen to the spot. I could have walked on by. I could have spoken to Bhabhi. I didn’t have to cross the hall. The earth could have opened up and swallowed me. But no. I just stood there. Bhabhi must have figured it out. “This is Jitu”, she introduced me to her. She nodded and said hi. I wanted to smile, I wanted to say hi. But no. I just stood there. “I am Trisha” she said. And gave me her hand. I could have shook her hand. The hand with the bangles. They made their jingling sound when she thrust her hand out. My mind was screaming “You are wondering whether it is a jingling or a tinkling sound. Jackass, shake her hand. She thinks you are a weirdo. Her face is changing . Dude, do something.”  I manage to put out my hand and immediately took them back, they were clammy.  “Dude, do something.” So , I do a namaste. Then she gives me “What kind of a whacko are you” look and smiles again.

She turned to leave and I blurted out “Are you leaving, don’t go”. She burst out laughing. That did it. I had decided.

When I finally decided that I wouldn’t think of marriage, she popped into my life. Perfect timing I must say.

We spent most of the evening together, even though bhabhi kept acting as a chaperone, all the while winking at Chiggy across the room.

I took her number. I think mom will need to come back here again.

August 3 2007

After that first meeting, I got as much info as I could. She is a Mallu(mom was so happy about that). She has a few relatives in Kerala and has lived in Bangalore all her life. She works as a veterinarian. I managed to gather the nerves to call her and have a little bit of conversation I love that all our conversations seem to pick off as if there was no break. I love that she laughs at all my jokes. I love that she talks with so much honesty. Nothing romantic really, but I guess we have all our lives for that. I am sure she knows what I feel. She doesn’t give away much.

September 6 2007

It was really funny when she came out with a tea tray. Her parents think it is an arranged marriage setting. I didn’t let them know that I made sure her uncle found out that I was an available groom and would be a good match for her. It took me a long time to make sure he found me via his friend’s brother’s  son’s office mate who was in my team. Ha ha ha , someday, I will tell her about this.

She knew I was coming of course, my photo and bio data got sent. We didn’t speak about it. When she gave me the tea, she smiled. We were conspirators together in this.

July 14 2010

It’s been 3 years since I first met Trisha. I didn’t know that. Being bad with dates does that for you. She told me today. Mrs. Trisha Jitu.  I couldn’t be more thankful for anything else. That includes of course, our week old little bundle of joy. I think I will call him Chiggy at home. J

Lina

It’s been 8 years now and up until this moment, I have never wondered about this. I have been trying for most of the night but for the life of me, I can’t remember when I first saw her. I can’t remember when I first realized that we belonged together, that we were in love. I feel like I have always known her, that I have always been in love. There was no jolt of electricity, no lightning in the skies, there was just us. We always knew. No one had to proclaim love, nor propose. We just were.

It’s rather ironic that I am trying to figure out the beginning now, when the end is near. Or is it already here and I am stubbornly refusing to take it like a man? I’m not sure. I haven’t been sure of anything since the last 4 days, except for the voice in my head telling me that life isn’t possible without her in it.

A thousand messages a day and a hundred phone calls each day to tide me over until I could see her each evening for an hour after work. It begins with her “Morning sleepy head” and ends with her “U better go now, I need to sleep!!!” Weekends full of long drives, long lunches, long sweet nothings. I know no other way to spend a day.

It took us 8 years to fall into the routine of a married couple before we broached the subject with each other. We always knew we were going to get married. For all intents and purposes, we already were. Of course, our parents didn’t know that.

Her parents didn’t know that I loved her more than anything else in the world, that I would keep her happier than anyone else could ever imagine, that I would do anything for her no matter what, that she loved me as much as I her. They knew just one thing.

Mine didn’t know that she was the prettiest girl in the world, that she had the nicest heart anyone could possibly have, that she always topped her class, that she sang like an angel, that she loved me, that she was my life. They knew just one thing.

They knew just one thing. She prays in a temple. I pray in a church.

It had always amused me that she would want to wear a saree every fortnight to visit the temple. My “Who wears a salwar kameez, jeans are so much cooler” sweetheart, would wear beautiful sarees, put a string of jasmine flowers in her hair, put a pretty bindi on her forehead, line her eyes with kajal, put a dozen bangles(that have to match the color of her saree). She would pray to her heart’s content while I would try to have a polite albeit awkward conversation with her God. She would add a line of sandalwood paste above the bindi and look the part of the perfect woman. “God I love her” was always my way of ending my prayers.

And when we went to the church together, once in a month, she would worry about her footwear, about standing together, about how she was to pray to my God.

We hadn’t realized they were differences. We just treated that like it was just another habit that each other had and accommodated it into our lives. I mean, we live in the same city, we follow the same culture, we speak the same language, we studied the same subjects, we work in the same company, we eat the same food, we watch the same movies. And we started praying in the same places too.

We went to our parents’ home on Saturday to tell them we wanted to get married. Our prayers must have fallen short somewhere or we probably never bothered to pray about our parents agreeing for our marriage. All heavens and parts of hell broke loose upon us. My parents were displeased with me, but I will make sure things turn around. At the other end, the second her parents heard my name, they point blank refused to entertain any more conversation. They didn’t let her come back even to work. They aren’t talking to her. She’s all alone even at her own home. And I am so far away unable to do anything.

We talk occasionally but they are conversations I have never had before. The worry is eating away at her. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to console her. I don’t know how to console myself. I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is despair. The sadness I feel on the inside shows in my eyes. And here I am wondering how things got so bad so fast. And I wonder how long it has been that I haven’t set eyes on her. I wonder when I saw her for the first time.

This cannot be an ending. I can’t let it be. I won’t let it be.