Update

Turned out physiotherapy caused me more pain and had my knee sport a swelling the size of a lemon. Alright, that was gross, I know ;d
And this time the doctor told me to go in for an arthroscope where the surgeon will remove the part of the cartilage that is torn and also do a 'Lateral Release'. I was convinced that this was the only option left. An operation and finally release from my knee pain, even though it meant at least 6 weeks of physiotherapy and maybe 6 months for complete recovery.
That night, calls went out to all the doctors that all my family members know, with the result that surgery is the last option/worst case scenario and that I should not do it unless the doctor was THE best and after I had exhausted all other options.
A family friend came up with the idea of going in for ayurveda/nature cure d try the Puttur Bone Setters.
While I was initially against the idea, I did go ahead with it. Anything that may help, has to be tried, right.
I never knew that it would get this bad. While I am not wallowing in self-pity, I do wonder if I should be handling this better, I do get the feeling that I crib and complain more than necessary.The pain is bearable 60percent of the time, I AM tired of struggling with almost every task but when I see people telling me that they have ligament tears over years and haven't gone in for surgery, I know it is wrong on their part to delay the inevitable surgery and hence the healing process, but they are taking it and still doing lots of athletic stuff- it makes me wonder.
Maybe I am more susceptible to pain, maybe I am afraid of letting things be and getting up one day to realise that there is irreversible damage.Maybe I just want my normal life back. And fast.
I do wonder if I still remember what is normal.
Recently, I saw this scene where a woman sank to the floor, knees first, to talk to another person sitting on the floor. The feeling that 'I may never be able to do that ever again, for all my life' suddenly hit me. Not a good place to be in, most definitely not.
Well, I know, its not a big deal for anyone other than me and my family, but us, it's a real problem, dealing with it on a daily basis is daunting. I am beginning to feel like some invalid.
Just last night we got tickets for all to see the Preview of Terminator Salvation and my mom chose not to go because I would have to be home alone if all went to the theater.
WHOW, that was morose.
Well, there still are options out there. I will heal. That is a fact. And therein lies hope too.
In the meanwhile, I am spending all day lying down with my leg straight [ did you know when you have to keep it straight, all you want to do is to bend it], an occasional hour or so at the laptop, some on tv[catching up on all the ads on tv, having no cable for a year can do that to you, but that's a story for another time, reading 2 novels simultaneously[The Sword of Shannara somehow reminds me of Lord of the Rings and Jeffrey Archer's twists have stopped feeling 'out of the world' to me].
That's it for the update and finally sitting up long enough to write something.
Maybe its time for me to put my time and energy into something constructive. Any ideas?

One measly month

This is a continuation of "Discoid Meniscus"
I applied for a month off, so I could give my leg complete rest and give it a 100% chance of recovery so I could avoid surgery.
The person who is 2 levels above me got the news on Monday noon. I was to have a discussion with her on Tuesday for which I waited the whole day and it never happened. Wednesday, I was asked to call her. I did at 1pm, when she was busy. At 3pm, when she was busy again and asked me to call at 5.30pm. At 5.30pm where she didn't even consider it necessary to pick up and waste her breath to tell me to call back again, so the call was cut.
Thursday afternoon, my manager says "She's available, call now". I call and she says
"I have wanted to talk to you about the leave, you haven't given enough notice."
"I got to know on Friday evening and informed my manager on Monday. And this is a health thing, not something I could plan in advance."
"It's not like you are having heart surgery today afternoon, then we can consider"
(If I have a heart surgery today afternoon, she will consider, I suppose I should thank the Gods for it)
and some other nonsense later, she continues
"Anyway, the client will want 2 weeks notice"
"But this is medical. Also, the onsite co-ordinator has already said that the client will be ok with it since it is health related".
"Why is there this miscommunication, the client has to always be informed 2 weeks in advance"
(Probably even if I am clutching my heart and dying right now, I will have to wait 2 weeks to get a doc)
"We have been very considerate towards you, we already let you have almost 3 weeks off in December. You have to show some responsibility towards your project"
"I remember our conversation in December, you accused me of lying and faking a problem"
She laughs (she has the bloody audacity to do that)
"That is what I thought then, but this is different"
(How so, I beg you, enlighten me)
"I will finish any KT in a few days, the client won't have a problem. Please think about it from my point of view, I don't want to risk it any more"
"You are being so stubborn, thinking only about yourself"
(Like she's going to do anything for me if I HAVE to get a surgery done. And at least she's supposed to consider what I need)
"But it is my health. How can I take another chance. Do think from my point of view"
"I am thinking from your side. I have offered you two weeks"
(And this is where any semblance of polite talk disappeared)
"But that is what you started off with, you haven't offered me anything!!"
"If this is how you want to do it, my answer is no, you won't get leave, I need to think about it. Two weeks definitely. I consider this discussion completed."
"This is necessary for me." (a pathetic, grovelling, embarassing, last ditch effort from me)
"My final answer is NO".

One measly month off at a project I have worked 1.5 years on, in a company I have worked 4.8 years in.
What do you think I should do now?

Discoid Meniscus

This is a continuation of Housemaid's Knee.

The 6th doc I consulted told me to go in for an arthroscopy where they will put 2 pins between the knee cap and the bone, so your pain can be avoided.
The 7th doc to whom I went for a second opinion told me not to be hasty and asked me to get an MRI done.
That in itself is an experience, I was given a gown that reminded me of Silas from The DaVinci Code, it was a full length, full sleeved roomy robe in a deep hue. I had seen the MRI machine in many episodes of 'House' and thought that its absolutely no big deal and best thing, it's painless!
It's like this huge tunnel looking thing with a sleeper-cot at the center, I was asked to lie down, the technician put two pad-type objects above and below the knee and put on earphones around my head(For a second, I did that this was reallllly cool !!!) and then he said, "The machine can be really noisy, this will reduce it for you. This may take around 15 minutes". Sigh ;)
The machine had a steady hum, like an extended heart beat with musical noise in between. I was rather getting used to it when the machine started up like a a car/generator powering up. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was , I admit, scary. For no reason at all. The noise reminded me of the start of the song "Pyar karke pachtaya" from Pyar ke Side Effects, there's a weird noise in it like a stuck record.
I couldn't lift my head to look into the tunnel, I had been warned to make absolutely no movements. And just when I realised that I make sure that I don't move and forced my concentration on that , my leg twitched !! uahahahhahahahahahaaa .. I did worry that they would ask me to do it again since the image might have gotten distorted !! And then stopped, so I made myself concentrate on the left leg, it didn't twitch but just shook like I was about to start on a dance move! This concentrating this is a real pain, I put my mind onto seeing the pattern on the ceiling and then there was no sign of twitches, but I did notice 2 cracks in the ceiling , that the MRI machine was made by Philips, that the lights were pretty, and I think I would have gone on like that, till the sounds stopped and it was the steady hum again.Had it been 15 mins? I didn't think so, and the whole ordeal happened again for the 4 times that the machine stopped and started - changing angles I imagine.
Well, I went back to the doc and he said, Nope, definitely not Bursitis(which he had told me the previous day too). Turns out my knee joint was jolted out of place when I fell and the ligament got stretched(thankfully, not torn). He said, "I want you to undergo physiotherapy for a month and then we can see if there is improvement and decide if there is need for surgery. We can release the ligament from under the bone with surgery then"
Yippppppppppeeeeee ! I am relieved that I know what the problem is.
Try being in constant pain for 10 months plus.
Try having to shift out of your beautiful home since you can't climb stairs.
Try having a conversation with everyone where the first statement is invariably "Hows your knee now?"
Try not being able to stand long enough to cook a simple meal.
Try not being able drive for more than 20 mins without immense pain.
Try going to places that have only the Indian style restrooms.
Try having put on 15kgs in a few months because you can't walk/jog/join a gym to lose weight.
Try having only a measly fruit bowl for lunch every single weekday.(and still not losing any weight)
Try having to keep away a dozen new dresses since you can't fit into them anymore.

Well, it does help having a husband who does all the work without complaining (while I lie on the sofa) and tells me I don't look fat at all (even when I weigh 70kgs).
and that is why I am relieved that I know what the problem is, finally!
At least, I can get my physiotherapy and fix it. Or worst case scenario, get a surgery done (and that is something, I most definitely don't want to do)

Pain .. pane... payne... paen ..

Have you ever really given thought to the concept of pain? Not why it is caused or how, but the feeling of pain. I have, in some detail quite recently and I realised a couple of things:-
-> You always live through it. No matter how bad it is, even if you faint since your body cant take it, you always have to get up and pick up the pieces.
-> The memory of pain puts fear into you and also a hope that since you have already borne it, if it ever happens again, you can face it better.That doesnt happen.A memory turns out to be a pale recollection of the actual pain. Always.
-> You never get used to it.It is always there at the back of your mind waiting for you to get out of your safe cocoon, even a little slip.
-> Cribbing does no good, it doesn't lessen the pain, sharing doesn't reduce it for you(nor does it help the poor soul you offloaded on).It is your part of suffering, you have to carry it not matter how many helpful/sympathetic shoulders you find along the way.
-> It teaches you some lessons to remember.It steels you against making the same mistakes again.It fills you with a fear that it dares you to conquer.And it always is that one fear that you overcome makes it easier to overcome others.It shows you a glimpse of life outside your safe haven, life isn't a bed of roses, never was- you appreciate what normalcy more.
Whew, that was a morbid, morose what not piece of writing.
what brought about that was having Hydrogen Peroxide(I think) put on your 10 inch long skin wound and seeing froth build up on that while you feel like the thing is going to burn its way right into you!
This is my 3rd dressing for the wound, the first one on the night of the great fall, and I had thought betadene(I think) burns like mad.Dressing 2 saw the nurse pull out the first dressing that the new skin was trying to grow over and hence reopening the wound(and to think doctors would know this in advance!!!)Dressing 3 with the peroxide stuff that hurt so bad I had tears streaming down my face.Dressing 4 was the least painful of all. And now finally I can stop using a bandana/scarf/shawl/long sleeved outfits/dupattas to cover my war wounds, it still freaks out some people when they see my hand reaching for the 2nd floor button in the lift , they look at my face with a weird look of half pity and half fright, takes me a second to understand why and by then, I am out the lift!
It'll be as good as old in 2 months, until then, all sport under hold :)

To fly . . or not to fly...

Sunday was supposed to be the hottest day in the last 35 years in Bangalore.I spent the whole day in an open ground frying/baking/boiling and mostly just waiting for my turn at paragliding.
We reached at 10.30am, waited till 6.30 pm when the light was going down.And then realised that we wont be able to do it. And my whole Sunday was wasted.
Got me all grr and I gave a teeny-tiny piece of my mind to one of the organisers , about organising for all the participants and caring for our time.
And I wish I had left it at that.
He came back a few minutes later and said, we can accomodate just one person now, inspite of the fact that there were 4 of us who had paid up and equally wanted to experience the thrill of flying with the birds above.
The process looks simple but is rather complicated. You get into this set of straps which is attached to a 'wing' (the parachute-type thing) and there is another guy - the pilot behind you also strapped in.There is a rope hooked into the strap and the other end goes a km away to a vehicle that winds in the rope.Both the people run for 2-20 steps, the parachute balloons up with the wind and suddenly you are off into the skies, climbing steadily. .After you reach upto 100ft, the rope is removed and then you, you fly with the birds, making lazy turns steering wherever you want
Here are some of the pics.
I got all strapped in, ran a bit and just when I thought I was taking off, I fell, face down, the guy behind on top of me. The vehicle that was pulling the rope did not stop.I was doing a "SuperMan" along the ground for 4-5 seconds. There was a calmness in my mind that I find hard to believe now.It was like being in a void, I could hear nothing, feel very little.I was conscious and awake to what was happening but it did not register.I did not feel pain, I knew my skin was being scraped off, I wondered why I pushed for taking the last ride, I was confident that nothing would be really wrong, I felt bad for my family who were watching this.And then I stopped moving.
Someone tried to pull me up but couldnt since the whole contraption had collapsed on me.I finally got to my feet and was trying to convince all that I am ok.My right hand was a bright red with few remnants of skin hanging on.My knee was ok, luckily no complications there.I was a little dazed, yes, but totally aware.
And luckily that was it.My brother's face was a dark cloud.He could not believe it.My sis was trying to apply some salve to it.Vc's face was unreadable.And I found a reason to smile. This was to be my birthday gift - flying in the air.
So much for wings of wax.
Thats the bad stuff.My birthday of course was wonderful, couple of cakes, couple of temples and I got to spend time with the most important people in my life and I turn another year older, wiser and hey , I have the scars to prove it now !

Housemaid's knee

Its official. I have Housemaid's knee(Bursitis) . Which in turn translates to me not being able to climb stairs / walk / stand / even sit without pain :(
Am 'resting' the poor knee now having taken a week off from work . Today's my last day off. And I don't miss work. I have actually studied the last couple of days, caught up with some stuff and got myself something that I have wanted since 1998 but never could do it.
Have been living at my mom's, enjoying the comforts of being a child again. I enjoy the conversations with my parents and siblings, its not the same when you talk over the phone or even when you drop in on weekends and spend a couple of hours together.
This is my family, my whole life was literally lived in these 4 walls, all my happy and sad memories, all the laughter, the dreams, the area .. this is what made me me.
I know that this is temporary, I enjoyed re-living something I missed. But it has also made me realise that I have moved on. I am not just a child anymore. I don't know if I really like that.
Sigh.
And my knee, I've consulted 5 allopathy(ic?) doctors and one from Ayurveda. It still hurts like crazy. The only painless period is early morning when I wake up and for almost 4-5 mins I don't realise that I have a right leg. I don't realise that it has to be treated special. I don't remember that I can't put any weight on it, that I have to keep it straight, that if I bend it (it allows me start the day with 'not-so-nice' words ) and worst of all that I can't afford to stub my toe on the bedpost like I usually do ;)
I love those 5 minutes :)
Well, 1-3 months time to heal I believe, say a little prayer for me people. Koi sunlega shayad :)
Pretty please with a cherry on top :)