Trisha's side of it

Vc writes for Trisha in response to Jitu

July 11 2007 -7. That’s the count for today. I don’t know if I should be frustrated or amused. Well, the girl was nice-ish, good family and all that blah. But, she just isn’t HER. I think even mom is beginning to tire. She’s going back home tomorrow, finding a Mallu match in Bangalore is harder than I thought. No match seems to work. If we agree, the girl’s side doesn’t.  And only for ones we aren’t too interested in, we get a “Yes”.
It is tiring to put myself out there each day. Each time I step over the threshold into a house, I wonder if the girl of my dreams is about to greet me. The strain is telling on me. I don’t want to wonder if something is wrong in me or if I will be forced to settle for someone lesser than what I want. I think I should stop this search for a while and just let life play itself out. After all, if and when it’s meant to be, it will, right?

Jul 11 2007,
I love dogs! I knew I would be doing something for them when I was 7.  Hi my name is Trsiha , my father Pinarai Vijayan Kutty, took one look at me when I was 10 minutes old and said I was Nobel, hence the name Trish . I always wanted to join the College of Veterinary and Animal Sciences and become a Veterianian Doctor , Thrissur which is stone’s throw away from grandpa’s farm house. It’s been a year since I started my own clinic, here in Bangalore and I love my job.




July 13 2007Mom’s gone home, so it’s back to food at the mess 3 times a day. I already miss her cooking. I wonder why she goes back as soon as she can. I would love for her to stay here with me. Even if dad were still with us, I would find a way for all of us to be here. Probably, that’s the biggest tug she has to go back home.  Maybe I should move back too. There’s nothing to keep me here, just a job. I should be able to find one closer home. It would be fun to go to work from there. Same home, all the memories of dad, all my friends and of course Mom. Sigh. An IT  job in my village. Only in my wildest fantasies.
Well, that’s it for now. Chiggy has a party tomorrow, will have to find a way to wriggle my way out of it. Ever since he’s gotten married, he’s been on my case. How am I to help it if he married the first girl he saw. Listening to his “Abhi tak nahi mili kya be” 10 times a day at office is bad enough, I don’t want to go to his house and have him do it in front of bhabhi.  Maybe I’ll just say I have some extra work to finish and can’t come.

July 13 2007
Savithri Pillai is throwing a party. Her husband Chittaranjan Dasgupta works for a software firm and he is full of life. I am wondering if I should go ? What will Pa say ? His words of wisdom are still echoing in my ears. Sigh!. I’ll tell her I had an important client, haha  a bulldog with a piece of bone stuck to his teeth. 

Damn ! Savithri never gives up ,  so here I am trying to select a suitable attire for the party. Thank God I went shopping last week. I wonder where I kept my bangles.




July 14 2007Thank God I know Chiggy. Thank God he forced me to attend his party.
I saw my angel today, all thanks to him. I walked in wondering how to plan my escape and there she was. She noticed bhabhi looking at the door and turned  to see who it was. As those big eyes looked at me and that strand of hair fell across her face, I was a goner. She had me with that look. She looked away. I kept looking at her and would have all night if Chiggy didn’t elbow me right in the rib cage.”Aise mat dekh be, thoda to sharm kar”. I looked back and she had a small smile on her face, she had heard that. *^@#*%^ Chiggy and his boom box voice.
I didn’t see who else was in the house. No one was visible to me but my angel in blue. Each time she lifted her hand to move that strand of hair off her face, her bangles would make this beautiful sound. Mr. Boombox leaned in and said “Intro chahiye?Teri bhabhi ki dost hai. ” I managed to nod a yes while I was trying to gather my wits. Was I being that transparent, what would she think?
She and bhabhi were getting off the sofa. I panicked. Was she leaving? I couldn’t let her go. I literally ran across the hall and when I reached her, I had no idea what to say or what to do. I just stood there looking at her. She raised her eyebrows, looked at bhabhi and managed a smile. In that eternity, I was frozen to the spot. I could have walked on by. I could have spoken to Bhabhi. I didn’t have to cross the hall. The earth could have opened up and swallowed me. But no. I just stood there. Bhabhi must have figured it out. “This is Jitu”, she introduced me to her. She nodded and said hi. I wanted to smile, I wanted to say hi. But no. I just stood there. “I am Trisha” she said. And gave me her hand. I could have shook her hand. The hand with the bangles. They made their jingling sound when she thrust her hand out. My mind was screaming “You are wondering whether it is a jingling or a tinkling sound. Jackass, shake her hand. She thinks you are a weirdo. Her face is changing . Dude, do something.”  I manage to put out my hand and immediately took them back, they were clammy.  “Dude, do something.” So , I do a namaste. Then she gives me “What kind of a whacko are you” look and smiles again.
She turned to leave and I blurted out “Are you leaving, don’t go”. She burst out laughing. That did it. I had decided.
When I finally decided that I wouldn’t think of marriage, she popped into my life. Perfect timing I must say.
We spent most of the evening together, even though bhabhi kept acting as a chaperone, all the while winking at Chiggy across the room.
I took her number. I think mom will need to come back here again.

July 14 2007

I am the first of the guests to arrive for the Party. I try to help Savithri set up the Garlic Shrimps, I take a bite, yummy. Chittaranjan Bhaiya is fiddling with the new Bose System,I hope they play that new track from Dr Dre “ I need a doctor” I need a doctor, doctor To bring me back to life .  Why is that guy staring at me? Sigh* I think I overheard Chittaranjan Bhaiya talking to that stranger,haha so he thinks I am attractive.Guys!  Savithri comes over and tells me that there are 4 people checking me out. I smile, I should have work something not so eyecatching. J I think I like the attention. It’s getting late I have to be going now, where is my bag. Oh ! wait Bhaiya is introducing me to one of his weird friends. Sigh, lets get on with it, Jitu his parents must be a fan of Jumping Jack Jeetendra ,” 

ek banjaara gaaye jeevan ke geet sunaaye hum sab jeene waalon ko jeene ki raah bataaye ek banjaara gaaye Ho Ho! ..( smile) I put my hand out. Who is this guy, he is so funny ! haha.Let me grab some more of those shrimp entrée’s. Wow he actually can speak J. This evening is going to be interesting.

I didn’t know anyone could be so interesting. Jeetu works for a software firm along with Chirraranjan Bhaiya and hails from a small town near Kottayyam. He looks like a honest and decent chap. Everytime he talks, I just look into his eyes. Sigh.I think he works out everyday ;) 

Why is Savithri winking at Bhaiya ? Maybe their personal joke. They make a nice couple.I wonder if I will meet Jeetu again. I would like to.



August 3 2007After that first meeting, I got as much info as I could. She is a Mallu(mom was so happy about that). She has a few relatives in Kerala and has lived in Bangalore all her life. She works as a veterinarian. I managed to gather the nerves to call her and have a little bit of conversation I love that all our conversations seem to pick off as if there was no break. I love that she laughs at all my jokes. I love that she talks with so much honesty. Nothing romantic really, but I guess we have all our lives for that. I am sure she knows what I feel. She doesn’t give away much.

August 3 2007
Today I received an interesting call. Jeetu . I wonder how he got Savithri to give my number.He is funny and I don’t think I have every laughed so much. The patients waiting in the next room would have been scandalized thank God they don’t understand Malayalam. :) I think I will meet him over the weekend.


September 6 2007It was really funny when she came out with a tea tray. Her parents think it is an arranged marriage setting. I didn’t let them know that I made sure her uncle found out that I was an available groom and would be a good match for her. It took me a long time to make sure he found me via his friend’s brother’s  son’s office mate who was in my team. Ha ha ha , someday, I will tell her about this.
She knew I was coming of course, my photo and bio data got sent. We didn’t speak about it. When she gave me the tea, she smiled. We were conspirators together in this.

September 6 2007
I am scared. I don’t know what will happen if Pa finds out that I already know Jeetu. I wonder how Uncle Kunjumon got this alliance. When I told Jeetu that my parents were looking for alliances, he smiled and told that he would be the first and last groom she would see. Hah !  I was so surprised and almost dropped the phone when amma told me that Jeetu was coming .

Now I have to go serve him tea, hah, I’ll add a couple of spoons of salt. Serves him right for keeping me in the dark :) 

July 14 2010It’s been 3 years since I first met Trisha. I didn’t know that. Being bad with dates does that for you. She told me today. Mrs. Trisha Jitu.  I couldn’t be more thankful for anything else. That includes of course, our week old little bundle of joy. I think I will call him Chiggy at home. J

P2E2RAD

Everyone is waiting with their confirmation letters in their hands. Most of them look worried, I don’t think I do.I wonder if I should be nervous. I finally made it here.18 years of studying every single day and I finally landed a job. While college was a hoot and I will miss my family and friends back in Jaipur like crazy, I am looking forward to this. My working life begins today. I traded my jeans and T-shirt for a nice formal outfit. I think I’ll need to get some more though, I can’t go on rotating the 4 shirts that I got for the interviews. And maybe change my backpack. Everyone else is carrying them too, we still look like college kids. Lots of shopping to do. I think I need my first salary right away J

I checked out the competition as soon as I got into the lobby. It’s almost like having walked into my class on the first day – the usual mix of nerds, backbencher types, some locals and some non-locals. I am not sure how many friends I will make. I wonder who among these guys, I will work with. I also checked out the girls. Delhi certainly has prettier girls than back home. I didn’t want to stare too much and seem shady. A few casual glances show me that there are roughly less than half the number of girls as guys. Competition again J

The HR walked in and started calling out names and people started getting up one by one. Anuj,  ……, Neil, Pankaj, Prachi, … This Prachi was definitely the prettiest of the lot. I had noticed her already, she was sitting silently looking at her file. I wish I get to be in the same batch as her. “Pratap  are you here?” the HR lady’s voice broke the spell. I looked around for the person she was calling out for and then it hit me. “Yes ma’am, I’m here”. I was so busy staring at Prachi that I didn’t realize she had called out my name. :D I walked over , trying to look as stylish as possible and stood next to Prachi. She turned to me and gave me a small smile. Haiiiiiiiii .

As luck would have it, we were in the same batch – Freshers016. And for the first time ever I was really really happy that my parents named me Pratap. That put me right next to Prachi in the list. Which meant we were lab partners. Yahoooooo.

We settled into a routine of classes in the morning and labs in the afternoon, most of it was a refresher of all that we did in college. But I was thankful for it, the 5 months gap caused more memory loss of Coding concepts than I had realized. I got used to living in a PG, using trains to commute, talking to my parents every other day. I think I could also get used to being around Prachi. It’s been only a week since we started talking. I got to know a little bit about her. She’s a Punjabi but settled in Varanasi and now in Delhi for work. She finished her degree in Varanasi, so Delhi is new for her too. Her brother is in the US working for a big MNC. She doesn’t seem to like coding too much and I don’t mind helping her out. She’s from an Electronics background and is learning all this for the first time. I think she is catching up fast.

All the girls have lunch together. So, in a day, the only time I am not really with her is during lunch. I think I am picking up a new habit here. Taking tea/coffee breaks other than lunch, once at 11 in the morning and again at 4 in the evening. I do love my tea in the mornings but there’s no one to make it here. So, office tea at 11 will have to do. The other guys seem to be pretty nice. There are few guys from Rajasthan as well, but most of them are from Delhi itself. I envy them. They get nice home cooked meals for lunch whereas I have to suffer canteen food. All through college, I refused to take a box from home, even though mom kept trying to force me. Now, I wish she were here to do it.

At the end of 1 month, I went home. And my mom immediately started off with “You have become sooo thin. Is there no food there? What are you doing there?” I tell her that I miss her too J) She has so many questions for me. “How is Delhi? I hear the people are very rude. That it is very hot. That there is too much traffic. Did you make any friends? Anybody from Jaipur?Did you see Qutub Minar? What all did you see?” I had to answer all of them patiently while she served me my first home made meal in ages. I could have hugged her then and there. But I didn’t, she would have thought I learnt new things in Delhi . Ha ha ha .

Back in Delhi, we started to learn bigger things like process, QE, lifecycles and started working on real projects. The training period was to last 3 months. And most of us became good friends. Then someone suggested a trip to Taj Mahal for the weekend. Everyone agreed and preparations were on in full swing. Transport, Overnight stay at Agra, food and what nots. Luckily enough, we chose a date when there would be a full moon. So, we would get a night viewing of the magnificient Taj.

Akash that people have no sense of time and now we might get caught in traffic. And of course we’ll be late and the sun will be worse. We had booked the non-AC traveler, because we planned to leave early. Prachi got out, with her red coloured pallu over her head. She saw me notice it and pulled it back. I wish she hadn’t, she looked even prettier with the red color adorning her face. I nod a hi and she seems to have something to say. I move away from Akash and say “What’s up? Girls are always late. Putting on make up is it :-P” and said, in a way that only she can, “Well, if the way you looked at me when I got out of the auto is any indication, then I think being late did the trick.” she laughed her infectious Punjabi laughter. I am sure I would have turned red to the roots of my hair if she hadn’t winked. I just had to join her in laughter. And that was that. I knew that this day would be special.

She then told me that it was her birthday the next day and since she might not be able to go to a temple tomorrow, she had gone in the morning. Which she said explains why she was late and the pallu on her head. And I felt like a prize ass for not having found that out. She was my closest friend here and I didn’t know her birthday. I had to do something and I didn’t know what. I didn’t even have a bike. I missed my Yamaha Rx 150.I asked everyone who had one - Manu, Sridhar and even Sweety for her girly pink Scooty. No one had come in their  bikes. Everyone had taken a drop. So, I had to take an auto. And I went in search for a bakery that would be open at 8.15 in the morning. I knew what I would do, I would have her cut the cake at midnight today in front of the Taj under the full moon. By the time I found one and got back, everyone had arrived and I got some real dirty looks from guys who had come after me. Ha ha ha. We started off. The journey was fun. Singing, dancing, dumb charades, the whole works. I think we all were still in college mode.

Evening arrived, we were all ready after having rested in the noon in the hotel. Resting mostly involved all the guys goofing off. Talking about life, work, the future. That’s when I realized, Prachi was my partner now but if she got placed in a different project, everything would change. The thought did something to my insides. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t want her to go anywhere else but be with me. Always. There were only 30 days left in training. 2 months had gone by. I spend so much time with her that I take her for granted. Her laughter, how pretty she is, the way she talks to herself while solving some problem, that way she can make u feel happy by just talking with you. My insides were really squirming badly by now. I always knew I thought she was pretty, I even accepted that I might have had a crush on her. But now, she’s just my buddy, isn’t she? Then why do I feel so bad and torn when I consider the fact that she might be placed elsewhere.

And suddenly, it seemed so simple that I was surprised I hadn’t realized before. I had more feelings for her than just a crush. The weight of that realization should have crushed me, but I felt happier than I had for quite some time. I felt so alive, so light, so wonderful and started smiling to myself.

“Prachi na dude. Kya smile kar raha hai dekh” I looked at Ankur, he was smiling at me and I realized I must be looking like some sort of idiot smiling to myself. “Cake-shake, smiling to yourself… Sab dikhta hai”. I didn’t even have the heart to deny it and they all pounced upon me.”You proposed?” “Does she like you too?” In my newly attained happiness, I had forgotten the minor fact of “What did she feel”. Another sort of panic took hold of me. But still, the feeling of “I am in love” had such a wonderful effect on me, that I didn’t want to worry too much about my feelings being reciprocated.

I had always wondered how poetry was written. How love worked. How you could be affected by another person. And I had just realized all that. I wanted to tell her all that I felt. Suddenly, emotions and feelings that I had no idea existed within me seemed to bubble up. I wanted to talk to her immediately. I could have called her, but I knew I wouldn’t know what to say and would fumble.

So, a few hours later, in time for the viewing of the Taj, here we are outside the hotel. I search for her. The girls are late as usual. She walked down the stairs laughing at someone’s joke. She was wearing a pretty white dress, with silvery patterns on it. She had never looked prettier ever. My heart was beating so fast and I was wishing that she would look at me, that I was there right in front of her. She turned suddenly and looked at me, as if I had called her. She had a look of mild surprise on her face for a split second and it was gone as she flashed her huge smile at me. I managed to sheepishly smile back. I didn’t have the guts to walk upto her. And it definitely didn’t help that Ankur was elbowing me in the back. She walked up to me. And said “So, looks like this make up is better than mornings” giggled and walked away in such an enticing sway that my throat went dry, I couldn’t think of a witty response. I just stood there wordless. How could I have been so blind. She was flirting with me. Did that mean she liked me ? Or was that just the way she is? Oh God, I need to talk to her.

But there was no time. We all got bundled into separate buses, thankfully, I wouldn’t have known what to say if we sat together.

A few minutes before midnight, we all had her cut the cake. She was really surprised and really happy. She seemed so filled with energy. I am glad I got the cake.

After a while, I was walking around with my SLR trying to get some good shots for my photography club. I tend to work alone that way. No distractions, looking for that one unique elusive shot. And suddenly, a hand slipped into mine. It was her. She looked at me, probably partly apprehensive about what I would do. She whispered “Thank you. For the cake.” I smiled. I didn’t know what to do with the hand, should I hold on, what would she think. Should I move away, nope, definitely don’t want to do that. So, I just squeezed her hand a tiny bit and went back to being blank faced.

“I love you”. She had stopped walking with me, she was 2 steps behind me. She had said it. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t trust myself enough to turn around and behave normally. I looked back at her, she was standing there looking shy and a small smile on her face. I walked back to her, took both her hands in mine and said “I love you”. And we kissed. I don’t know if it was the full moon, the Taj, her pretty face, the romantic mood or just the feeling of being in love. Whatever it was, at that moment, I did not think about anything other than how soft her lips were.

We walked back to the group holding hands. We didn’t say anything. Everybody noticed but nobody reacted as if it were something new. I guess the whole world knew about it before we did.

The last month of training went by as if someone had put time on fastforward. There seemed to be more assignments, tests, internal interviews. Alongside work and more importantly, our relationship began to blossom.We savored every waking moment with each other. Love is such a wondrous thing. The world does seem nicer. Everyone looks happier. All sorts of poetry starts to make sense. Tea breaks, lunch, dinner, phone calls when we were apart – didn’t seem enough. I got to know more about her. Of all the things I had discovered, what pleased me most was that she loved bikes almost as much as I did. I should thank her brother for introducing her to bikes. I had my dad send over my Yamaha, we would go for long drives. And she would drive half way. I couldn’t have asked for more.

And finally the dreaded day came. When they would call out the project placements. It was the same HR lady who had first put me next to Prachi.

Delhi – ……….,  Ankur, Rajender, Dhriti, Pratap, Tara., …… .

That was me. I had to stay here. And they didn’t read Prachi’s name for Delhi or Pune or Bangalore. Where would she be put.

Chennai. That’s where she went finally.

My world ended. Chennai. Where was that? Somewhere in South India, I had never ventured South. And they were going to put her there. I looked at her across  the room and she just nodded. We knew there was a chance that something like this would happen. As much as we hoped against it. She got into the group of her Chennai-going mates and  began to discuss something. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t reacting to this at all. I hated all those people standing around. She had forgotten about me, about us? How could she be there looking so unaffected. I was gripped with anguish. I wanted to scream. She was going away from me.

She spoke to me at the first instance we could find to be alone. “It will be ok. It will be tough, but we can take flights occasionally. Phones are always there.” She kept talking and kept pleading with me, but I was not appeased. It took me a few hours before I realized she was right and there was nothing that I could do. She took it more calmly than I did. But it did affect her as much as it did me. I found some solace in that fact.It was Friday and we would have to report to our respective projects on Monday. She made arrangements to leave on Sunday morning. That gave us just 1 day to be with each other. I accompanied her for shopping, helped her pack, we went around to our favourite haunts – the golgappa wallah, the icecream parlor and finally dinner at the fancy restaurant we always dreamt of going to. This was an occasion as good as any.

I dropped her at the airport the next. I didn’t want to let go. I could see the tears filling her eyes. I held her in my arms and told her I would be there with her soon. It was a gut wrenching moment for me to see her turn away, push the trolley and walk away behind the security check point. I sat at the airport lobby for some time.

It was Sunday morning. What was I going to do? I would normally have picked her up and headed for a movie at the mall. But that wasn’t an option any more was it. There was this hole in my life suddenly. And the piece that fit into it was currently being carried away from me in a big metal bird, carried far away to the other end of the country.

Time allows you to accept anything. Life too it seems conspires with time. I fell into a project where slavery was endorsed wholeheartedly. I worked like I had no personal life. Late nights were spent on the phone with my love. 5 hours of sleep and 17 hours of work. This became my life for a year. My mom’s shock at the way I look increased each time she saw me(measurable by how loud her gasp sounds as soon as she sets sight on me. Also, measurable by the amount of time the laments go on for)

My project doesn’t give me enough time to pick up and leave for a vacation, so it has to be her travelling north.We met twice over the year. When she went home, she would choose a flight via Delhi and I could spend some time with her. She hasn’t changed at all. Except for some of the lingo she has picked up. She seems to like Chennai and tells me which movies to watch. Not that Tamil movies play here a lot. And she ordered coffee for the first time ever when we went to get some tea.

While I was wondering how to continue like this, some amazing news came in. Another team was going to be added to my project but they were to work out of Bangalore. They needed someone to help them come onboard fast. My manager asked me. Being unmarried has it’s advantages it seems. I jumped at the chance. I am not sure how far Chennai is from Bangalore but both are in South India and that is good enough for me. Prachi asks me if the project can move to Chennai instead of Bangalore. And before I can fume, she bursts out in laughter, she knows how to infuriate me.

My parents worried that I would be going away so far. I had to convince them that it would not be so bad.  I would still visit them once in 2-3 months. Whether it was Delhi-Jaipur or Bangalore-Jaipur, it would be just one flight.

Bangalore seems nice. They don’t have a Metro here. It’s all autos or buses. Life seems slower here than Delhi. I have my own house on rent here. No more PGs for me. Food here is pretty insipid. Everything has daal in it. I think carrying green chillies with me is the best way to deal with food. Work seems better here since I am in training mode, people seem nice too. But best of all, I get to see her every weekend. As great as phones are, nothing beats looking into her eyes and talking. Holding her hand and walking. Riding the bike while she holds me. And on my birthday this year, she gave me a huge surprise, she booked a 350cc “Yamaha” for me which I had wanted for some time now. Unfortunately it has a 8 month waiting period. So, she’ll be in time for my next birthday.

It’ll soon be 2 years and she can quit the company and find something in Bangalore. I think we like the place. We might settle here.

IT Exception throw Frustration

I hate the software industry. I hate the people who make it what it is. I thought I didn’t like college with all the lecturers and their weird power wielding tactics. They seem like amateurs when compared to people who call themselves managers. The frustration in me has been building up for so long and today was the last straw. Day in and day out having to scrape and bow to people who I don’t respect. People who don’t care about what they are doing. People working just to make a living, and not make something happen. People who don’t understand being creative, don’t understand thinking out of the  box, don’t understand that every fresher has unlimited potential. I thought I hated college, but at least they let me grow, they taught me how to streamline my efforts, how to achieve all that I wanted. I couldn’t wait to get out of college and start earning. I couldn’t wait to show the world all that I was capable of. And I got stuck in a IT services company that has thousands of faceless people like me slaving away on useless junk.

I don’t know what to do with all this pent up frustration and anger. It’s rising inside of me like some sort of beast taunting me about my failures. “What of your dreams, what of all your boasts, is this all you will be? Tut tut”. I can’t stand this.

My parents didn’t understand me when I told them I wanted to study computers. They thought I was too artistically oriented to do something geeky. But they were happy because it would ensure that I would not become a starving artist but a respected engineer. Maybe go onsite and meet some goras. Make a lot of money. Little did I know that this would be the cost. My soul dying from the inside.

My lecturers didn’t understand me when I said I could do more than the local authors text book. I didn’t want to code for “Array Multiplication” or “Calculators”. It wasn’t challenging enough. Turns out I wasn’t the “Oiled hair, thick spectacles, first bencher” kinda guy. I loved goofing off, I loved long bike rides, I enjoyed the occasional cigarette. This meant the lecturers couldn’t treat me as a pet. They didn’t know what to do with someone who topped class without working hard and was a last bencher; I got labeled as the show off. It got to me bit by bit. I set out to prove a point. You can have fun and study. But the whole world thinks that isn’t normal.

I stopped caring.  I would choose a bike drive over a B grade Java lecture. Attendance suffered. Grades slipped. I became the long haired, leather jacket wearing, bike ganger who everyone loved to hate. I didn’t care.

I think I made some good choices and then some bad ones. I understood myself and learnt what I wanted from life. Over time, some of that attitude became more subdued and I went back to being my normal self. I had realized that this was my life, I needed to do things the right way to get settled. So, I decided to pour myself all into books and computers. Nobody would be as good as me. Nobody would deliver a better final project than mine. I proved that to the world. I became the guy who wrote a compiler. I loved the feeling. I knew I could do so much more. And then, I landed here.

The job  that I should have loved. But one that I started loathing. Not just the people, but the mediocrity of it all. How do you survive in an environ where nothing is expected of you! Where no one pushes you to be better! Where no one ever appreciates anything you have done!

I should do something about it. What do I do? 

Match Making Jitu

July 11 2007

7. That’s the count for today. I don’t know if I should be frustrated or amused. Well, the girl was nice-ish, good family and all that blah. But, she just isn’t HER. I think even mom is beginning to tire. She’s going back home tomorrow, finding a Mallu match in Bangalore is harder than I thought. No match seems to work. If we agree, the girl’s side doesn’t.  And only for ones we aren’t too interested in, we get a “Yes”.

It is tiring to put myself out there each day. Each time I step over the threshold into a house, I wonder if the girl of my dreams is about to greet me. The strain is telling on me. I don’t want to wonder if something is wrong in me or if I will be forced to settle for someone lesser than what I want. I think I should stop this search for a while and just let life play itself out. After all, if and when it’s meant to be, it will, right?

July 13 2007

Mom’s gone home, so it’s back to food at the mess 3 times a day. I already miss her cooking. I wonder why she goes back as soon as she can. I would love for her to stay here with me. Even if dad were still with us, I would find a way for all of us to be here. Probably, that’s the biggest tug she has to go back home.  Maybe I should move back too. There’s nothing to keep me here, just a job. I should be able to find one closer home. It would be fun to go to work from there. Same home, all the memories of dad, all my friends and of course Mom. Sigh. An IT  job in my village. Only in my wildest fantasies.

Well, that’s it for now. Chiggy has a party tomorrow, will have to find a way to wriggle my way out of it. Ever since he’s gotten married, he’s been on my case. How am I to help it if he married the first girl he saw. Listening to his “Abhi tak nahi mili kya be” 10 times a day at office is bad enough, I don’t want to go to his house and have him do it in front of bhabhi.  Maybe I’ll just say I have some extra work to finish and can’t come.

July 14 2007

Thank God I know Chiggy. Thank God he forced me to attend his party.

I saw my angel today, all thanks to him. I walked in wondering how to plan my escape and there she was. She noticed bhabhi looking at the door and turned  to see who it was. As those big eyes looked at me and that strand of hair fell across her face, I was a goner. She had me with that look. She looked away. I kept looking at her and would have all night if Chiggy didn’t elbow me right in the rib cage.”Aise mat dekh be, thoda to sharm kar”. I looked back and she had a small smile on her face, she had heard that. *^@#*%^ Chiggy and his boom box voice.

I didn’t see who else was in the house. No one was visible to me but my angel in blue. Each time she lifted her hand to move that strand of hair off her face, her bangles would make this beautiful sound. Mr. Boombox leaned in and said “Intro chahiye?Teri bhabhi ki dost hai. ” I managed to nod a yes while I was trying to gather my wits. Was I being that transparent, what would she think?

She and bhabhi were getting off the sofa. I panicked. Was she leaving? I couldn’t let her go. I literally ran across the hall and when I reached her, I had no idea what to say or what to do. I just stood there looking at her. She raised her eyebrows, looked at bhabhi and managed a smile. In that eternity, I was frozen to the spot. I could have walked on by. I could have spoken to Bhabhi. I didn’t have to cross the hall. The earth could have opened up and swallowed me. But no. I just stood there. Bhabhi must have figured it out. “This is Jitu”, she introduced me to her. She nodded and said hi. I wanted to smile, I wanted to say hi. But no. I just stood there. “I am Trisha” she said. And gave me her hand. I could have shook her hand. The hand with the bangles. They made their jingling sound when she thrust her hand out. My mind was screaming “You are wondering whether it is a jingling or a tinkling sound. Jackass, shake her hand. She thinks you are a weirdo. Her face is changing . Dude, do something.”  I manage to put out my hand and immediately took them back, they were clammy.  “Dude, do something.” So , I do a namaste. Then she gives me “What kind of a whacko are you” look and smiles again.

She turned to leave and I blurted out “Are you leaving, don’t go”. She burst out laughing. That did it. I had decided.

When I finally decided that I wouldn’t think of marriage, she popped into my life. Perfect timing I must say.

We spent most of the evening together, even though bhabhi kept acting as a chaperone, all the while winking at Chiggy across the room.

I took her number. I think mom will need to come back here again.

August 3 2007

After that first meeting, I got as much info as I could. She is a Mallu(mom was so happy about that). She has a few relatives in Kerala and has lived in Bangalore all her life. She works as a veterinarian. I managed to gather the nerves to call her and have a little bit of conversation I love that all our conversations seem to pick off as if there was no break. I love that she laughs at all my jokes. I love that she talks with so much honesty. Nothing romantic really, but I guess we have all our lives for that. I am sure she knows what I feel. She doesn’t give away much.

September 6 2007

It was really funny when she came out with a tea tray. Her parents think it is an arranged marriage setting. I didn’t let them know that I made sure her uncle found out that I was an available groom and would be a good match for her. It took me a long time to make sure he found me via his friend’s brother’s  son’s office mate who was in my team. Ha ha ha , someday, I will tell her about this.

She knew I was coming of course, my photo and bio data got sent. We didn’t speak about it. When she gave me the tea, she smiled. We were conspirators together in this.

July 14 2010

It’s been 3 years since I first met Trisha. I didn’t know that. Being bad with dates does that for you. She told me today. Mrs. Trisha Jitu.  I couldn’t be more thankful for anything else. That includes of course, our week old little bundle of joy. I think I will call him Chiggy at home. J

Lina

It’s been 8 years now and up until this moment, I have never wondered about this. I have been trying for most of the night but for the life of me, I can’t remember when I first saw her. I can’t remember when I first realized that we belonged together, that we were in love. I feel like I have always known her, that I have always been in love. There was no jolt of electricity, no lightning in the skies, there was just us. We always knew. No one had to proclaim love, nor propose. We just were.

It’s rather ironic that I am trying to figure out the beginning now, when the end is near. Or is it already here and I am stubbornly refusing to take it like a man? I’m not sure. I haven’t been sure of anything since the last 4 days, except for the voice in my head telling me that life isn’t possible without her in it.

A thousand messages a day and a hundred phone calls each day to tide me over until I could see her each evening for an hour after work. It begins with her “Morning sleepy head” and ends with her “U better go now, I need to sleep!!!” Weekends full of long drives, long lunches, long sweet nothings. I know no other way to spend a day.

It took us 8 years to fall into the routine of a married couple before we broached the subject with each other. We always knew we were going to get married. For all intents and purposes, we already were. Of course, our parents didn’t know that.

Her parents didn’t know that I loved her more than anything else in the world, that I would keep her happier than anyone else could ever imagine, that I would do anything for her no matter what, that she loved me as much as I her. They knew just one thing.

Mine didn’t know that she was the prettiest girl in the world, that she had the nicest heart anyone could possibly have, that she always topped her class, that she sang like an angel, that she loved me, that she was my life. They knew just one thing.

They knew just one thing. She prays in a temple. I pray in a church.

It had always amused me that she would want to wear a saree every fortnight to visit the temple. My “Who wears a salwar kameez, jeans are so much cooler” sweetheart, would wear beautiful sarees, put a string of jasmine flowers in her hair, put a pretty bindi on her forehead, line her eyes with kajal, put a dozen bangles(that have to match the color of her saree). She would pray to her heart’s content while I would try to have a polite albeit awkward conversation with her God. She would add a line of sandalwood paste above the bindi and look the part of the perfect woman. “God I love her” was always my way of ending my prayers.

And when we went to the church together, once in a month, she would worry about her footwear, about standing together, about how she was to pray to my God.

We hadn’t realized they were differences. We just treated that like it was just another habit that each other had and accommodated it into our lives. I mean, we live in the same city, we follow the same culture, we speak the same language, we studied the same subjects, we work in the same company, we eat the same food, we watch the same movies. And we started praying in the same places too.

We went to our parents’ home on Saturday to tell them we wanted to get married. Our prayers must have fallen short somewhere or we probably never bothered to pray about our parents agreeing for our marriage. All heavens and parts of hell broke loose upon us. My parents were displeased with me, but I will make sure things turn around. At the other end, the second her parents heard my name, they point blank refused to entertain any more conversation. They didn’t let her come back even to work. They aren’t talking to her. She’s all alone even at her own home. And I am so far away unable to do anything.

We talk occasionally but they are conversations I have never had before. The worry is eating away at her. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to console her. I don’t know how to console myself. I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is despair. The sadness I feel on the inside shows in my eyes. And here I am wondering how things got so bad so fast. And I wonder how long it has been that I haven’t set eyes on her. I wonder when I saw her for the first time.

This cannot be an ending. I can’t let it be. I won’t let it be.

An incomplete attempt

She looked at the clock. The hour hand hadnt moved.Why did'nt it? She had patiently waited for a year, but this last one hour was taking forever. She looked at the clock again. Did it move ? or were her eyes just playing tricks on her? She looked around her. There was almost no one else in the station, just the porters lying around. She got up, went and got herself a coffee. It did nothing to soothe her nerves. She walked up and down, sat on the bench, the beautiful sunrise went un-noticed. She paced up and down the platform more than a hundred times and yet that darned clock hand wouldnt move.
"I will be back on the 17th". There was no hi-hello, she picked up the phone at the first ring and she heard the hoop of joy and "I will be back on the 17th". It was the 17th today, all of 5.30 am. Then she heard the whistle of the train as it chugged into the station. Her eyes looked searchingly at every door, into every window, where was he?
He found her before she did him. She was knotting and unknotting the edge of her dupatta. She always did that when she got nervous around him and it always made him smile. Everytime he had heard her voice over the phone, he had imagined her doing that or throwing her long plait over her shoulder like she would when playfully teasing him. Sigh, he had missed her so much the last few months. As he looked at her now he felt it more than he had in all his moments of loneliness, than all those moments when he spent hours looking at her photo and cursing himself for having gone away from her.
She saw him, he was half-hanging out from the train. He was here. The guy with the cutest smile she had ever seen, the guy she had her first crush on, her best friend, the love of her life, her husband was here. He had his broadest smile on, head half tilted, that unruly mop of hair falling over his forehead. She broke into a smile and then into laughter, the whole year melted into nothingness. The train screeched to a halt.He got off the train and walked towards her. Time stilled around them. She was laughing, her happy laugh- oh how he had missed the sight of that.

She stretched out her hand and touched his face. She let her palm linger over his cheek, she felt the slight stubble.As her fingers curled backwards, he held her hands to his face.Her soft fingers against his skin felt like pure magic. He sensed her moving her fingers away maybe because of the place they were in, but he dint really care. He pressed her fingers against his face and close his eyes, letting the sensation sink into him. He opened his eyes and saw the expression on her face had changed. She was trying her best not to break down.
The tears were welling up within her. She dint want to make a scene. It hurt to be so close and have to be away.

An evening at Ananya's

She walked in to find Shreya crying, no, she corrected herself, Shreya had just finished crying and was trying to calm herself.Her face was streaked with tears. She wasn't sobbing, so it wasn't the hysterical sort of thing, something she remembered perhaps, there was nothing about her that she could connect to un-happiness of any sort.She went upto her and put an arm around her, the poor kid hadn't noticed there was anyone else in the room.She looked into Ananya's face to find a warm comforting look but also the famous raised eyebrow which was the unspoken question. She knew that she didn't really have to tell her, but it was Ananya. Anyone could pour their heart out to her, she would listen patiently, not once interrupt till you get everything off your chest.Then she would tell you how to handle it if that was what you wanted or she would convince you that you had done only what you could or something else, but you would always walk away feeling lighter and maybe with a smile too.
Ananya saw the hesitation on her face and knew that she would tell her what was wrong. She had come in to look for Shreya, no doubt, her presence was being missed. As it was. they were running short of hands to help and she herself was away.The hostess. The crowd was piling up and Jeevan wasn't that good at handling big numbers as Shreya.Ananya had just walked in after parking her car and noticed the huge crowd waiting outside her restaurant.A couple of minutes later, she realised the cause and thats where we comeback to the beginning of this story.
There was no point in reprimanding her for being away from her post when she obviously was in some form of discomfort.She got her to take a chair while she took the stool next to it and asked her "What happened?What upset you?" The story came out in bits and pieces and as the girl started to replay the events, she seemed to lose her control again and started sobbing. Trying to soothe her and understand her garbled words, Ananya finally made sense of what had happened.
Today was a very busy day for the eatery, people thronged and generally did not mind waiting an hour to be seated. Turned out that one of the patrons wasn't happy with the seat that he had been shown to.He was a regular too.He had been outraged that after waiting for close to 45 mins and being a regular customer too, the staff hadn't shown him enough courtesy.He had been given a table in the smoking section.That for some reason he had taken as a personal insult. He had come back and told her that he did not want the seat he was given, she not knowing why, tried to convince him. With his temper raising, he had told her that he did not want to be in the smoking section, she had the line of customers in front of her to tend to and this guy was talking to her in raised tones. So, she told him , "Very politely Ma'am" , to wait a few minutes and Jeevan would attend to him.Less than a minute later, he came back to her and started shouting at the top of his voice about courtesy, common sense . So, she told him to give her a couple of minutes and that she would find him a table in the seating area of his choice as soon as one became free.Nothing seemed to pacify the man and he kept screaming at her.Nothing abusive thankfully, but very rude.When she could not take it anymore , she had just walked away just in case she lost her temper and would say something to him that she couldn't take back.
"I'll go back now ma'am, I guess he would have gone away by now. I don't know if the hotel has lost a regular and I am sorry about this Ma'am, I should have handled it better."
,"Its not your fault, I know you well enough to say that you have handled the toughest of customers.This guy must have been something totally out of this world to have affected you.Not to worry. Now smile a little, go freshen up and come back when you feel up to it. I'll handle it till then"and she gave her a big smile.
She hoped Shreya felt better as she walked back to meet the crowd. She took a deep breath and told herself it was ok, you can handle this.Taking care of the details, the behind the scene work was her forte.She liked staying in the background and observing what people wanted.Studying people, their reactions, expressions, animated voices , all that was what she enjoyed doing.She always tried to shirk away from facing people.And now, it had to be done. As she walked back, she wondered who this guy was who had created such a huge ruckus that had actually ruffled one of her best.Must be an old geezer probably uptight about smoking.Old world grandpa with deeply set notions of how senior citizens are to be treated.She conjured up and image of a retired military guy, bald with snow white moustache which is generally treated as a symbol of pride, walking stiffly and upright like he was marching under orders.And laughed. She could imagine him towering over Shreya while she helplessly tried to convince him to wait for a couple of minutes.
15 minutes later, she was too lost in checking in on the service, finding the right seat, keeping track of which tables were getting freed-up, which were in the dessert stage , so she could add them to the next openings, at least now people were contained into the seating area and not overflowing onto the street.It would show the Banerjee's on the other side how good her business was but she had always thought it was demeaning to have to stand on the street in a queue just to eat food. And in the same tone, she tried not to let it happen at her hotel.She would have to open another branch soon , she knew it but had been postponing it. The brand was in the making,it had good wishes of quite a few regulars, people came from halfway across town too on special occasions, there was a lot of good will that she could cash in on.There was the investment for that, she had to get the right building , she had to start scouting for locations, then there was the ....No, she firmly told herself, not now, think of all that later leisurely.Not now.Almost waiting to break her chain of thought, if she hadn't done so herself, up next was a man whose face was a weird pink. She smiled at him and she made the usual statement "Good evening sir, welcome to Ananya's.Will it be just you or will someone be joining you?"
"Ah, you are a different one.Let me start from the very beginning. It will be just me.I want to be seated in the non-smoking section." Pause."Is that clear enough or do I have to repeat myself?"AHA ! so, this was he. She stood silent for a second before replying to him. She was about to open her mouth when Shreya opened the door to come in, one look at the guy and she stepped right back out in that very instant.She laughed.She couldnt help herself, the poor girl had to choose that exact moment to come back, didn't she.
"Something you find amusing?"
She looked back at him, the ring of laughter still in her tone, and said,"Yes, you seemed to have scared Shreya, the hostess for the evening. I had no idea that someone who seems as congenial as you do would have that effect on people. As for your seating request, I am flattered that you like our place enough to have come back after that mini-show you had put on.

More reports ?

She walked away as fast as she could. She could still feel his stare.It made her want to jump right out that window, anything so she would never have to face him again. As she reached her desk, she was fuming,what in the name of the heavens did he think he was! Muttering to herself, she sat down to re-work her last 5 hours effort. That would mean another late night at office, more answering to her parents who would start off with the usual, "Being a girl, working so late, cant u tell your manager to let you go before 6". She could never give a straight answer. Damn the equality business, wouldn't it be great if you could cash in on being a girl. And what's the point being a girl if you cant make any profit out of it!!
Even as she thought it, she knew that, she wouldn't really try to back out of work using that as a trump card. She actually liked what she was doing, she always had fun,she had a great group of friends, and all seemed to be going good.
In fact, all was going good until that stupid manager came out of the blue, just to make life miserable for her. Why couldn't he have remained onsite? A weekly status report and he would keep out of her hair, and he didn't seem half as bad on the phone as he did now."Monster" the word escaped her lips before she realised.
And he materialized at that very instant.
And wouldn't he, its like he knew exactly where to be at the exact wrong time when she slipped. like today, when one wrong entry in that darned report needed for all the others to be re-worked. She didn't really have time for all that flashback, he was standing right in front of her, hand casually placed over the cubicle wall with a bemused smile.
He did have a nice smile,she grudgingly gave him that and then he opened his mouth to speak.And that was it, all thoughts of his stupid smile being cute went out the window.
"I am sorry sir, I was talking to myself" she cut him off. His smile became wider and she felt like kicking herself, why did you have to go and apologize for something that he probably didn't even connect to himself." Was there something else to be added sir? I have just started on the rework".He said something and she wasn't sure what it was, he was probably talking to himself. Well, why doesn't he go to his oversized desk and talk to himself, why bother me. But since she couldn't say that to him, she just put on her prettiest fake smile and hoped he would not hear her teeth gnashing behind.
"Do you want me to help you out with that? I know you spent a lot of time on it, its pretty unfortunate that you have to do it again"
Her mouth literally fell open, he! His Holy Majesty was offering to help !Did she hear him right? Was he mocking her and telling her that he doesn't believe she can get it right again? No, don't jump to weird meaningless conclusions, he's just offering to help. Maybe he realised he was harsher with her earlier that required.
"From next time on though, make sure you have the numbers right, it will save us the double effort when you could be doing something else"
How could you even think that he would help you with no sarcastic reprimands! Just a second back, she was almost going to say "Yes", she could go home early she had thought eagerly. Now, there was no way,stupid over-egoistic show-off, I don't need any of your help.
"No sir, its ok, thank you, I'll manage it myself. I'll mail it to you before I leave".
Another of those maddening all-knowing mocking smile and he was gone."Good riddance" and she immediately bit her lip, in case he was still hanging around. Thankfully, he wasn't.
She started on the task. Almost every entry she made, she had a curse ready for him.
Why did he have to come back here?
Why was I the only one who has to report to him?
Why couldn't it have been Ananya(she had gone home 2 hours ago!) or Saahil(he was around somewhere doing God knows what)?
Why me!!
Why couldn't I have confirmed the stupid number with him before having started off?
Who would have thought that he had a 'latest' report! He doesn't expect me to hallucinate it does he?He probably would.2 cups of coffee, a visit from the security guard checking and 4 phone calls from home later she was finally done.
Now to mail it to him and be off with it.He was probably in bed snoring away to glory. The choicest of abuses came to her, but she stopped herself, it was her mistake after all,and she was the only one who could do those reports and he did offer to help, she had been too egoistic to accept.
She stretched to relax her body, she had been in the cooped position for too long. She couldn't feel her legs. She rubbed her eyes wearily, the dark circles from today would take a week to go away. Another bout of curses for him came up.
"How are u planning to go home?"
"What the ... You scared me sir"? Scared would be a gross understatement, he had scared the living daylights out of her. She almost nearly fell off her chair,she told herself, not that she would,but she felt she could have.
"I am sorry about that, I got your mail, I thought you might be ready to leave now, do you have a ride back home?"and that smile of his again,Stop staring at him and answer to what he's asking.
"I .. uh ... no.. I don't have a ride. I mean, I ... uh .. I will book a cab now sir".
Stop stammering stop stammering stop stammering.
"I can drop you if you want"
hmm, he actually stayed back. To drop me? hmmm.
"Well, I stay in XYZ, its probably out of the way for you sir, I'll book a cab"
"Not really, I don't mind at all, in fact, I would appreciate the company."
No you wouldn't, not my company. She had heard that he was an absolute terror to people even onsite. No one could manage one proper conversation with him. People would go out of their way to avoid him.I would definitely not enjoy your company.and he was walking away, he turned over to say "Give me 5 minutes, I have to finish up something"
Oh, so, he was working.
She went to freshen up and one look at the mirror, she looked like she had been toiling in the hot sun without respite for a few weeks, how in the name of the heavens did he manage to look like he had just gotten up after 10 hours of sleep, all fresh and grinning from ear to ear like a donkey. Damn him.
She washed her face, set her hair, sort of satisfied with the end result, she walked out.A sudden thought popped into her head, and why did you have to make sure you weren't looking too bad.Before she could answer her own question, she saw him.
He was good looking in a good sort of way. She had never really noticed him like she would a guy before, he was always Akash, Akash the monster. He was just the boss, not a guy. He wasn't that bad looking at all, she thought as she tried to read in his features without seeming obvious.He was on the phone. She remembered, he stayed with his parents in ABC, that was way out of the way from XYZ. He was probably telling them, he'd be late.
When she came close enough to hear what he was saying, she realised he was on the phone with the client, at 2 in the night for heaven's sake. Doesn't he have a life of his own? Then she also realised, he was one of those untiring, unrelentingly hardworking people for whom work was life. She knew that all the people who were wary of his company or the people who were scared of him,anyone for that matter, would, without blinking say that he was probably the only reason the whole team was on this project. He was good at what he did, all respected him , just that no one saw him get pally with anyone. He was always barking orders. And all seemed to be on the receiving end of it, that definitely doesn't earn friends now does it.
With a start, she wondered, if he felt lonely around all the people he was surrounded by. suddenly, she was almost pitying him, he always went alone everywhere, he didn't really have a fixed lunch group, he probably missed lunch more often that he had it. But he never seemed a loner, he was always something or the other to all.It was like she was seeing him in a new light, he wasn't really a monster, now, was he. He's just doing his job, maybe a tad more roughly than one would want him to.
He was winding up the conversation, and did a "Shall we leave?"gesture. She nodded and they went towards the parking lot.

I am me

It’s been over 2 years now. The same office. The same route to work everyday. The same people. The same faces. The same meaningless conversations. The same canteen. The very same dreaded canteen food. The same old work under the guise of new.
She never really liked what she was doing. So, she bore whatever work fell into her plate and did it with the required amount of involvement and a pinch more than that of indifference. She had long since come to understand that it was just means to an end. She did not look forward to feeling elated or like shouting “Eureka!! “ every time she made some amazing breakthrough. She was good at it, didn’t mean she had to like it. And it paid more than she could earn elsewhere, if she even knew what work she could do elsewhere. Seemed like years of training and repeated-constant exposure to her environs had turned her into what she sometimes despised in others – a modern day slave who harbored illusions of being different, being something more than all the other sheep, who was pure brain and had great potential just waiting to be recognized. And of course, one given 8*8 sq feet area, walling the slave in as much as they believed they used it to wall out the others.
That is the problem with knowing so much theory, being able to think out something, rationalize it, think of your situation as if you were seeing yourself through the third person’s eyes. You just lose track of what you want to do, what you are, what you can be, what you truly like and what defines you. You become another wallflower. And she was at the brink of falling over that line.
She looked at each place and identified it with the people that made it as it is. It gave her more pleasure than most other things to be surrounded by people who were waiting to be read and understood without them knowing it.
There were people she used to like to work with, people she liked talking with, people she would meet up over weekends for a cup of coffee and fun. But it all seemed so long ago. Sometimes, she felt like the survivor of some war, one who could only search for people who were part of her surroundings once but are no more. She looked around and felt like strangers had occupied the place that belonged to her friends. Like the table they always sat at in the canteen, many a time, was occupied by people she had never seen before. And she always felt that twinge of regret of have not gone away herself.
Moving to a new place seems to be less taxing on emotions than to live on in the same place with space and memories to fill in the gaps.
She moved forward suddenly as the bus stopped with a jerk. She had reached her slave factory.
As she got off the bus, she smiled wistfully at the thoughts that had filled her head through the journey and she shook her head. Another day, another beginning. There’s always hope, you just need to want something badly enough.
She saw a friend waving to her and moved towards her with a big smile and said hi. And she heard in return.
“Hi Stuti”.
That is me. Remember it. I am not Employee Number 213456. I am Stuti. I am my own person. I have hopes, desires, wishes and a life to live all by my own rules. Remember that and today too will pass by without you wondering why you feel like a part of you dies everyday just by being here.

The Silver Lining

It was a day like any other. The habit of having coffee at 11 now ingrained deeply into her, she set off with some of the other wilful slaves of routine. There were the usual jokes, the camaraderie, the rounds of laughter, discussions that were meaningless but being spoken of as if they would shake the earth's very foundations. She almost smiled at the futility of it all.

Sometimes, she wondered at herself. She was very capable of being in the midst of a throng and feeling very alone. It wasn't visible to the others, she would be saying the right things and responding at the required pauses but she felt like she was looking at the life of another, through another's eyes while being aware that there were no two people, it was just her.

She would be talking and simultaneously processing how the people around her would perceive the sentence, who would respond and in which way. And more often than not, her brain would foretell what would be said next and for that it would have prepared a response too.

These were two clearly seperate processes, both intimately aware of the other. The talking-process sometimes wondered what this is, if it is normal to have the voice in your head pondering about the clouds in the sky when you are talking of that model walking down the ramp on tv.
She was walking towards the coffee dispensing machine in the cafeteria quite lost in her own thoughts when she saw him. The first thought that ran through her mind was "Now, that's what good looking is". She was gawking at him and felt absolutely no need to feel ashamed about it or avert her eyes in case any one was watching her.
Just looking at him refreshed her, it was the weirdest of emotions, that voice inside her was telling her , trying to reason out what it was that she was doing, but the very same voice also grudgingly agreed that she was right. There he was minding his own business, unaware of her, just waiting for his cup of coffee and she felt like she had reached some special point, that something had changed all in that one second.
He turned around and left , oblivious to her and she moved along with her crowd and got her own cup but she didn't dare look for him.She didn't scan the cafeteria for that cute guy dressed all decently to look like he was one of that crowd, but he wasn't . She just knew.
Nobody realised that she wasn't in the conversation, but she really didn't care, the turmoil she was in mentally right now astounded her.
She had seen so many guys before, probably better looking than him, she had been in love too but this emotion that she was feeling based on one look was new to her. It made her feel wondrous, almost giddy with that feeling filling her up.
She leaned back on her chair and savored the moment. It was her ray of hope, it was that silver lining, she was still alive. She had feelings within her, they just needed that catalyst to bring it out.
She stood up with a smile and turned around to walk towards the door. He got up at the very same moment and as he did, he looked up at her. At that moment, not for the last 15 mins when she was agonising, questioning, understanding, accepting and finally enjoying that feeling that was coursing through her, he chose this minute to see her.
A thought popped into her head, what would he think if he knew I was smiling because of him.
He was still looking at her, time seemed to slow down to see exactly what effect this guy was having on Stuti.
She was surprised at the calm she felt, if she ever noticed some guy 'checking her out', she would immediately escape from the situation, either with a scowl on the face or swearing under her breath. Not now, now, she wanted him to see her, she wanted to know if she would affect him the same way.
As she passed by him, she knew that she wouldn't even have to look back.
He had felt it too.

And he smiled !

It was that part of a moment when one moves out of the sleep zone and right before when one is awake. Like the dawn of the waking day. She was there. As she waited for the fuzziness to clear out from her mind, she knew something was different about today.She couldn't put her finger on what that was, but there it was, that feeling. She turned around to snuggle into her pillow, but she couldn't move. Something held her in place. She awoke with a start then.
Her eyes found comfort in the fact that it was still dark around her, there was a lamp in the room, the only source of light. Before she could take solace in the fact that it wasn't time yet for her to get up and leave for work, she realised that she didn't have a lamp in her bedroom.And then, she looked at herself and realised why she couldn't move, her hands and legs were bound. She let out a gasp involuntarily and when she heard herself, it was a muffled sound that seemed to shatter the silence around her. And that scared her. It was like she had disturbed the pattern. There was shelter in the silence, a peace to it, she had disturbed it. Maybe if she just huddled back silently, closed her eyes and wished this gone away, she would wake up and put this nightmare behind her.
She closed her eyes and wished with all her might to get back to reality. And she gave it a one minute's pause as a good measure.And slowly, hesitantly , she opened her eyes to her reality.
She screamed. Tranquility be damned, peace be damned, silence be damned. She screamed herself hoarse, until she no longer had a voice. Then the door opened. It surprised her, because she hadn't known there was a door.There was a little bit of fear seeping back until she heard a voice, a gruff voice say something she couldn't understand. But she did shut up then and the voice disappeared with fading footsteps that she hadn't heard approaching earlier.
She wouldn't give into hysteria or to tears. She steeled herself to accepting this present situation. She tried recalling what she last remembered as normal.Going to work in the morning was the last coherent thought she could recall. She had pulled over for coffee or had she? It was too much of a fuzzy memory.
She twisted her arms, her hands were bound tight and the rope didn't budge. There wasn't even wriggling area. She knew what the knot was, she had learnt it from her father. She couldn't remember the name but she knew exactly how it was made.She mentally kicked herself for not learning how to undo it. She looked around the room, looking for something that would let her loose.She was on a bed. The lamp in the corner. She hopped over to the lamp feeling like a kangaroo. It was an old kerosene lamp. There was glass and the flame to use. She pushed the lamp, watched the glass break with a tinkle and the kerosene make a wet patch on the floor.She looked at the door, wondering if the sound had been loud enough for the owner of the gruff voice to walk in again, but he didn't come back. She picked up one of the bigger pieces and tried to rub them against the rope holding her wrists together.She cut herself a couple of times and finally succeeded in wearing the rope down enough to give some wriggling space. A triumphant feeling had start to spread over her, but she ground her teeth and kept at it not wanting to break the spell.
The door opened. More of the gruff voice, definitely yelling now. He went out again, returned in a minute with a bucket of water and threw it over the former lamp and it's mess. She shrank back wondering what would happen to her, furiously trying still to cut open the ropes which probably in hindsight she would think wasn't as smart as trying to have hidden that piece of glass somewhere.
Satisfied that the potential fire was put out, he walked over to her, took the glass piece from her and retied her with another rope that managed to appear out of nowhere. Then, he walked out.
She wasn't sure how many hours had passed since that first waking moment of hers. She had kept trying to find some way to get out of there.She had racked her brains as to why she would be here, true she was rich, but rich enough to get kidnapped? She wondered if someone was paying her ransom at this moment. She wondered if her boss missed her at work and tried contacting her.She wondered if it was evening already and the friends she was supposed to meet up for coffee had missed her.
And then she laughed to herself at the futility of it all. How did all that matter? All that did matter now is that she was at the mercy of her 'kidnappers'. Having resigned herself to that fact she waited for that man to show up again, so she could at least understand what was happening. They had to give her food at least.
Waiting in the silence, in the darkness tore a part of her. For some reason, she could not fathom , all her personal devils reared their head to torment her at this moment. It spurred her into action.She twisted her hands again straining her neck to look for something that she might have missed earlier. She heard the footsteps come close this time. As the door creaked on its hinges, she sat back apprehensively. It was food. He put the plate on the floor and had walked away when she realised he wasn't going to talk to her and maybe that he didn't even realise that she couldn't eat with her hands bound. She just couldn't believe it. She had just about started bemoaning her fate when another guy came in and untied her hands, gestured that she should take off the gag and eat.
She couldn't try anything dumb, especially not with the mammoth sized creature standing with his hands crossed in front of her. She ate, almost with gratitude, when she realised how hungry she was.
3 days later, which she deduced by counting the number of meals she had, she didn't know where she was, why she was there and a couple of escape attempts later she was still where she had started off. They wouldn't talk to her, they wouldn't bother her.
Today, she had another plan. When she heard the doorsteps, she stood behind the door, yesterday's plate in hand. As the door swung open, she swung with all her might right across the face.The man was stunned, she jumped over him and hopped till the edge of the corridor where she could see a window. It was daytime, sunlight was filtering in. There was hope. She fell face forward and was waiting for her face to break, waiting for that crunching sound, when someone held her and broke the fall. He turned her around, so she was on her back. The same man, who had thwarted her thrice already, but had never reacted was now red in the face notwithstanding the bruise that was forming. He muttered something that was unintelligible. She waited for him to fume and she almost readied herself for a blow. She had tried so hard last three days, using all that she could find. All she had thought of was escape, the insanity of the whole situation was driving her insane.Now, it looked like she was stuck in this hell. Something inside her was breaking, the constriction in her throat seemed to be tightening, tears were welling up in her eyes. Her eyes had been downcast, she looked at his face to see if she could interpret the signs of her future in that mask.
And he smiled!
As he did, she realised that the smile actually lauded her spirit. It looked like a father consoling and doting simultaneously a daughter who had tried something and not succeeded. He seemed human in that light.
The tears disappeared. She knew that she would get out of here. The smile gave her the strength.She would not stop trying.

With great power comes ..... a need for solitude

The road was poorly lit.There were a couple of street lights but none in working condition.There was a stillness to everything, like it was a picture and not a frame out of real life.An occasional wind was the only change in status.
He looked out the car window. He liked it like that.Once the dust that his wheels kicked up would die down, the place would look like it always had.People were terrified to walk that road in the day leave alone the night.That served him well. He wanted time alone.He didn't need the thousands of voices around him telling him what to do.He came here to listen to his voice, his only way of safekeeping it from being lost in the overcrowded mass that was around him.
No one would be able to single him out from the crowd.They felt he was one of them.He sniggered in contempt.He, one of them, that would be day. Even before the thought faded, he remembered the days when he tried with all his might to be one of them, to fit into them, ever worried that someone might stumble over his secret. Forever safeguarding it.He had never been able to shut it out.That he accepted defeat to.He learnt to use it to his advantage, he learnt to use it such that no one ever caught a whiff of it.
He could hear people's thoughts.
Not much, one could think. Imagine when every moment of your life was crowded with voices. You would try to see who spoke, but there would be no one whose lips were moving, but you could hear it.Imagine walking down a road, a million thoughts crisscrossing the air and all of them telling your brain that it was a sound.He couldn't shut it out.He hadn't found a way to do that.Yet.
So,once in every while, he would come to this run-down supposedly haunted place just to appreciate silence.To look at life like it should have been in his head.
Feeling like a misfit all his life, until the day he realised he was gifted in this special way.His contempt for would never let anyone know of this. The Power was all his to wield.

Morning morning.....

Darn it! Late again. Its a quarter past 8 and my brother is still getting ready for school.When I used to go to school, we had to be at our desk by 8.15 and we never had anyone to drop us.We had to huff and puff our way up that road on a cycle. Its all my fault really, I shouldn't have gotten him used to royal services like this. I made a mental note to myself to get him a cycle soon and ask him to go on his own.He doesn't even realise that I end up 20 mins early at office just for his sake.
"Yo bro, 5 mins more and you wont need to go to school anymore, the watchman will lock the gate"
"Why all the hollering? I am ready aren't I?? Lets go" . Whew ! We wouldn't miss being on time then. I was relieved.
"Hold it" and both of us froze at the tone. It couldn't be anyone else. It was mom. "Where do you think you are going without breakfast. I get up early to make it for you louts and daily the maid ends up with a feast and you go eat bread in those God-awful canteens".
Before she could launch into a full on attack, both of us gobbled half and held on to half the chapathi and ran out the door.
We were late, there was no doubt about it.I could almost wring his neck for it and he's looking at me grinning like we've won something.
"Wipe that silly smile off, I wont drop you back if the gates are closed.Lets see how you like walking back 3 kms."
That wiped that grin off his face, not completely though.

As I weaved through traffic, I noticed all the vehicles passing by.Not too many 2-wheelers, there was a light drizzle and that meant I had to be extra careful about the puddles and that splashing onto us.Not too many white cars either, I realise, probably because they get dirtier faster.
Just one more traffic light and I so hope the day turns out well.Monday mornings always tense me up more.There's the 2 day gap and its the start of a new week. Call me superstitious if you will but I need a good beginning and that nice feel to last all week.
There's the signal.I slow down and look around trying to find THAT one white car that I want to see.Its not there. Panic builds up.I look around and the bike sways and my bro holds on harder to me. I stop the bike to see if he's alright and out the corner of my eye, I see it.
It stops right next to me, just a little ahead.I cant peer in without looking like a roadside cheapo.Its got all dark-tinted windows.The window rolls down and the little kids on the road jump towards it.The chipmunks were actually waiting in the rain for her to give them their first earning of the day.
They must be as superstitious as me.
She's worn her gold bangles today and her nails aren't painted either. Must be wearing a traditional dress. Probably a saree.With a beautiful face like hers, she probably looks divine today. Her hair falling till her shoulders, fresh jasmine in them, a nice bottu, sandalwood paste on the forehead and smiling happily. Sigh.
I get a hard poke in my ribs and find my brother's face almost in mine "Le Hrithik, Ameesha's gone, can we go now?" I give him one knock on the head.Kids these days.Hmph.
With one last look at the disappearing car, I wonder if she really looks as nice in real life as in my dreams?
Some day, I hope I can see her smile. Till then, I'll hold on those bangles.