Accept what is or change it !

I have spent my whole life accepting mediocrity as part of me, I have no qualms saying that there isn't really anything that I am passionate about enough to want to excel at it and push the boundaries.As I say it though(knowing fully well that it is the truth), it makes me cringe. It has always been in the air that you should be good at something, if only one thing, in life. It probably would be something that defines you as a person, it will be something that will reflect on your personality.Except for one phase in my life, there has never been anything that affected me for more than a day. Almost everything becomes a passing fantasy, it doesn't hold my interest long enough.
Once something fascinates me, I try to get to the bottom of it, learn it, perhaps well enough to be an amateur at it. But if by chance it so happens that its too hard to complete I just let it be , like it never happened. That determination to complete the journey is something that I always find lacking in me.Its so much easier to quit and live on with half-baked knowledge.
Well, the story should end there.The problem is, well, it just doesn't end there!
I have always felt respect for a person who can see things through, who just doesn't think of giving up, its like s/he has never heard of 'giving up'. Seems like they find so many ways out when all I can see are closed doors(Are they shut only on me?)People seem to have devised ingenious ways of 'attacking' a problem or work smart towards finding a solution and they seem to actually relish it too. While yours truly hates problem solving and doesn't really give anything enough importance to see it through.That too is not the problem. Its not really a question of I can change it and become an 'achiever', I probably don't even want to.(I am actually cringing again now) The problem is that I know this about myself and it makes me feel 'smaller'. There's something about 'falling in your own eyes' (yup, that was a transliteration, but it best expresses what I want to say) that seems to hurt more.Ignorance truly is bliss, as long as I did not know that I was 'made' this way , I was OK with it, but now when I see people around and having made the mistake of comparing the way they handle situations with the way I would I realise how (whats the word for it) incompetent I am .
Well,simple, you might think, you know what you feel is lacking in you, just do the right thing / start working towards a newer attitude.Well, I have tried, going all out and saying I WILL do (or die? :D ) this.Have even completed somethings that I probably wouldn't have thought possible, but then there are times when I just want to slip back into the comfort of giving up.It makes it harder for I know that it is easier to give up, the only reason I will myself on is I don't want to see myself a loser.
Everything is simpler if the world doesn't expect everyone to excel in something.
Everything is simpler if a person doesn't tell himself that he HAS to do this.
Why does a person push himself to do something ? No, don't say it is not because of the influence of the world around you, that you are doing it to please solely yourself.Sub-consciously, it has seeped into you that you have to be good, you have to be an achiever, that your value becomes lesser if you are not a go-getter , you cant satisfy yourself with being mediocre , you have to want to excel.
No, I am not blaming the world for making me think lesser of myself(but still trying to find someone to blame)
Which doesn't go to say that I am pleased with sub-standard work, I always put my best into whatever it is that I do, but I also put my limitations immediately around any task which results in the fact that I will never tackle anything other than that I already know how to solve.Fear of the unknown ? Fear of Failure ? Finding comfort in the Familiar?
But if new paths are not tread upon, new battles not fought , how will one's horizons expand?
and I come back to square one, where I know what I am but am displeased with myself for
a)not being better than what I am
b)for accepting it and having no issues with it
c)for not being able to change it
"Accept what is or change it so that it becomes what you want" is one thing I do believe in strongly,yet here I am not able to do either.

Reborn!

He removed the curl of hair that fell across her face. She did not even stir. Maybe she was lost in the magical world of dreams.The defiant curl of hair fell back again, as if it were not willing to go away from her pretty face.She is pretty, he thought to himself. His thoughts wandered back to the first time he saw her.
He was sitting by the lake trying to fight off the demons in his head, the searing voices that told him to stop, that showed him fear of death and hope for life in the same breath.His life had come to a standstill. He was walking away from all that he had done, he probably would never be forgiven by all those who had died at his hands, but he did not want any more blood on his hands.He had willingly taken up this path of life, there was no story of being an orphan and having no food, or having a father who was a thug.He had never had qualms about being called a murderer or a drug dealer.He saw the power that came with it.The fear in the eyes of people as he passed them by, the money that flowed in like water.The company he kept.That was the language he understood.It was worth a few measly lives.He never looked back with regret.Until that day.

It was to be a simple job.The assignment was a woman who lived alone. He walked into the room, her back was to him.She was less than 3 feet away, he took out his gun.As he pulled the trigger, the lady had turned around and in her hands was a child no more than 2 years.It hit the baby straight.It was the first time he witnessed so horrifying a death.There was no sound.There was no grimace on the face.A gurgling sound just melted into silence. It was the expression on the mother's face.She didn't cry, she didn't scream, she just folded into herself. She looked at him in disbelief, she clutched the baby in her hands closer and fell.
He did not remember going back home.He had wandered the streets aimlessly.He had gone to the river.All his horrors seemed to come back and haunt him.All the faces that had begged for mercy, all the nightmares.The night was gone and he was restless.He did not know what he was fighting.His way of life? Why was he questioning himself? He did not know , but he knew he would never be able to do it again.He needed to free himself.
The sun was bringing the day back.The running waters seemed to carry away his troubles with them.Today he had no place else to go.He lay back , watched the green grass and the small yellow flowers dancing in the breeze.
The sound of silence had always bothered him, but today it gave him his peace.He fell asleep and woke up to find a very concerned pair of eyes peering into his face.She jumped as he opened his eyes. "You're alive!" In more ways than one, he was reborn.
She stirred and it brought him back to the present.He pushed the curl back, gently kissed her forehead.She opened her eyes , blinked the harsh daylight out and smiled at him. She was his angel.She had guided him back into life. She made his nightmares disappear.
He sighed,he had made another decision. Today was the day he was going to tell her.Today he would have to put her through this.He would come clean.He loved her more than life itself.He could not go through each day with the fear of her finding out.He had always shielded her from the world and from him.More for his sake than hers, he had found love and he held on to it, but he knew he would have to tell her.
He sighed again as she looked at him with her questioning eyes.She could always see through him.The part of him that he had let her see. The part of him that she had helped him rediscover.She never knew how much pleasure the small things of daily life gave him.He was beginning to think of himself as a human being again.
He did not want to tell her but he also knew he would.He needed his guardian angel now.

Ambition!

Everybody in the world around me seems to walk with a purpose, places to go , people to meet, things to do . There seem to be so much on the mind, from the mundane thoughts of "Will I make my bus on time ?" or a "I hope I get to that meeting on time!" to the more serious issues like "I hope everything is smooth sailing at work today so I can get back home and take care of XYZ" or "I hope that ABC doesn't come up with a new thing to impress the boss and put my job in trouble." Life seems to have been reduced to being a run-here and then run-there and then get-here or get-there. We seem to rush through life, where's the time to stop and smell the roses. Everybody is hurrying along life at such high speeds trying to get to a destination that isn't probably even defined. Have half the people in the world ever even thought about why they are doing what they are doing ? Why is it that they are always rushing to get to some place?

Is it about motivation? Is it about achievement? Is it about satisfaction ?

What if you never had the 'inner-fire' to go out and take the world and come out on top of it? What if you have always been satisfied with your lot? You might not have gotten to climb Mt.Everest , but you got to go to the far end of the street you live on. Maybe that makes you happy! Maybe you want no more out of life than that which you already have.

Have you ever tried saying that to anybody, saying that "I have no ambition" , "I am happy with my life as it is at this moment" , "If this moment were my last, I would have no regrets" , people will look at you like you have probably committed a terrible unforgivable sin or make a horrified expression that says "I am not sure I am hearing you right, I don't understand how that is possible!" The sum of our life would be what we want it to be or at least what we make of the options available to us.

Who dictates what you are searching for from your life?
The world's opinion about "What defines a proper goal" or "These are the benchmarks that have already been set, you have to reach there if not better it" or "All around me are doing "XYZ" , I have to do it too and do it better than them" .
Does anyone really ever know what it is that they want out of life?Are you even searching for anything ? or are u just being pushed by the moving crowd and have no option but to let the flow control you ? Is anyone searching for anything ?If you don't know for where you are going , will you even realise once you reach it ? Or will you continue in the sea of people ?

Lets say, you know where you want to get in life, you have your own goal defined. Circumstances change people. So many incidents happen that mould you into what you are.The very way you think is influenced by all that you see around you.What you want today , you may not want tomorrow.So much so that tomorrow, you might even end up wanting something totally opposing what you want today.
Is it necessary ,at every step , to find happiness in what u have in hand or should u keep pushing yourself to find that elusive pot of gold just around the corner. Or perhaps, the concept of 'here and now' is meaningless if u can look back at the summation of your life and die with a smile !
And then again, is there ever an end to our journey?

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life"

The orange of the sky seemed to reflect off his bare shoulders, the glistening droplets of water on his back and the wet strands of hair falling across his forehead bore testimonial to his swim.It was the river bank that he was lying on now, trying to clear his head.The cool waters of the river always seemed to do the trick for him but today even they decided to desert him.He took a deep breath like he was trying to absorb all that was in front of him at this moment.
This moment where the sun was dying and the sky gracefully consented to let herself be coloured.This moment where the running waters seem to be calling out to him. This private moment,curled up on the river-bed, when he succumbed to tears.This moment when he is the most vulnerable that he will ever let himself be.This moment that makes him realise that the world as he knows it is crumbling around him. He wished for the power to still life, he would do so at this instance and keep this slice of life with him forever.
"Power", the word made him smile, involuntarily. He would never want for anything, never again.He made himself that silent promise.As the darkness descended around him, the flame of hope within him began to rise.
A new journey was about to begin.

Is He Scared?

All of mythology shows that God vanquishes the evil-doer Demon but isn' it He who gives these ‘demons’ those powers? Those dim-wits try to think of all possible scenarios to become un-conquerable when asking for boons and the gods (work like tax consultants/perhaps lawyers to) find a loophole and then vanquish that poor soul (of course,even the rakshasha turns out to be a demi-god in his previous life and he’s ‘suffering’ for his sins and attains moksha by dying at the hands of God Himself)
Let me re-phrase the whole thing.
Mr.Demon does penance for ages,stands on one leg, lets wild plants grow on him,fights all distractions, goes half mad but perseveres till he gets to see the Almighty. With a whole lot of cunning (whatever is left after years of solitude), he asks for one measly boon, (my fave has to be HiranyaKashyap, death shouldn't be inside nor outside, not during day nor during night , not by Man nor animal (nor God?)), God says "Okie-dokie ,Keep the change you filthy animal" and the boon-powered demon comes back to his kingdom ,becomes king and starts terrorizing people(who by the way probably never bothered about God so far coz they are happy with life as it is going) and then, this guy gets ahead of himself (he never took History classes or heard the stories his mom told him about how his ancestors were duped) and challenges God. Who of course , then descends from his siesta and then 'releases' this guy from his suffering.
My point is,
Why does He give boons that He knows will boomerang?(He CAN of course see the future)
Why does He wait till the Demon causes mass-scale havoc?
This is when people will have to look to God for help.This is when all start praying to Him.This is when He becomes the most-important.The worse the demon, greater God will be considered to be(after killing him - and it is a war that He WILL win). And after this , everyone gets back to their merry ways because they have no more troubles and then God decides to open a new cage to unleash a new beast.
Walking back to the present, let me try to apply that to a small-scale situation. There are always people who seem to have everything in the world , at least outward appearances tend to say that , yet a closer look almost always reveals that there is something missing.Something that makes that person unhappy from within(which is the worst kind possible, especially if it is something that he cant control ,no matter what he does or how hard he tries). Then , he will try to find solace, in quite a few things perhaps, but most commonly in religion or in meditation (which is finally the route to Him)
God doesn't seem to give man a chance to become vain and self-dependant. He wont release the leash enough to let man forget Him.No matter what powers we have, emotional, physical, mental - we find ourselves seeking Him (at some point of time in life).
What if we personify God , make him a man with his own insecurities and fears ?
Is it not possible that we are but his 'playthings / pets / slaves / students' and He would not want us to outgrow Him ?
Is it not possible that He is scared that we may not 'love / remember' Him if we din't need to , so He keeps pulling the right strings to make His presence felt ?
Is it not possible that we have no limits except the ones He wants us to believe in , but He will never let us know that?
Is it not possible that he is possessive about us and wants us to Himself ? Is He Scared of losing us ?

Things to do

Look at the stars more often.
Watch the sunrise (with a cup of hot chai in hand )
Bask in sunlight.
Run out into the rain and jump into all the puddles.
Catch snowflakes.
Smile more , and spread it.(Smiles are contagious , aren't they?)
Find a cause that makes life worth living(to live instead of just existing)
Bungee jump.
Go backpacking in Europe.
Laze out in the backwaters of Kerala.
Search for that child-like enthusiasm for life that I seem to have misplaced somewhere.
Learn to recognise and appreciate beauty that is all around but is always beneath the surface.
Learn from those strong willed people who have seen so much in life and yet trod on like "Today is the best thing that happened to me".
Dream more (effectively Sleep more)
Cook one meal where all ingredients are in the right proportion.
Fit 48 hours into a day.
Try to make sense of silence, to appreciate the melody that is silence.
Find that silent corner in my head where all is clear.
Find all the friends I lost contact with.
Read more poetry(make an attempt to understand the finer things that life has to offer)
Drive a car down the West Coast Road.
Plant rice on a paddy field.
Swim in that stone walled village well.
Go to a river side tea-stall on the Himalayan mountains and have a cup of hot chai(nothing can beat the sight of snow capped mountains and the running river)
Go to the heart of a volcano.
See the Mona Lisa.
Go down a secret passageway in a fort.
Time travel.
Go on a helicopter ride.
See a kangaroo hop.
Go into a mine(lets make that a gold mine)
See how a diamond is cut (the transition from the rough form to that beauty which traps light within it)
Meet Maddy(Last minute entry ,influenced by : Pachandaname from Sakhi playing right now)
Extendable list!

Valentine Day ...

"Beep beep beep" , my cell phone alarm went off. Turned it off , pulled the comforter closer and sank right back into dreamland."Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" , now that's my alarm, and that's not in the bedroom.Waited for all of 3 minutes for it to turn off. No such luck.It went on and on tirelessly (and let me tell you , it is a very very irritating sound) , so , dragging my feet , went and turned it off . No , I wasn't ready to open the windows , let in the sun and make some chai yet.I went back to sleep.(Wild horses cant drag her out of bed types).I think I was making a plan to travel back in time and murder the person who invented the alarm clock. Satisfied with the plan , I was just about to move on to better dreams where I .... the darned 2nd alarm went off. So much for trying to steal some more sleep.
Chai on stove , I pull out the shades and see everything is frozen , like someone put my backyard into the refrigerator(the freezer part of it) overnight.Everything had capital frozen ! There were icicles hanging from the balcony railings.All the trees had ice on their branches, it was like a glass coating all over. The sunlight diffusing through them made it such a pretty sight .It literally looked they were dipped in some sparkle-powder, shimmering like diamonds.So , there you have it , I have diamond trees in my back yard .(Hey , if money can grow on trees, why cant the trees be made of diamond?)That poor Christmas-tree looking shrub looked like some one sat on it ! honestly , all the branches were bent in different angles.That must have been the precursor to the day.
Turned out that there was a bad case of sleet/ice-rain/snow all night.The roads had disappeared , cars were peeking out from below white curtains.There was one word for it all , WHITE . White white white everywhere! It really is a sight watching people with mini-pickaxes all bundled up trying to clear out the ice from the cars.There was a 2 inch thick ice formed.Doors were stuck, sealed off because of ice. I saw two cases of broken windshields (how do u know if you are breaking ice or breaking glass!) , 1 broken door-handle , cars skidding off the road onto the other side (where thankfully there was no oncoming traffic).
Went to work 2 hours late(no , did not get a holiday) There's something really nice about being in school and hoping that it will rain sooooo bad that a holiday will be declared. As you grow older , you are supposed to understand that it is your responsibility that you get to work , come hell or high tide, and finish all tasks on time (or earlier if you want better assessment remarks ;) ) , so in the big scheme of things , deliveries aren't delayed (even if God wills against it.). I think I forgot why/how I started this sentence. Oh yes, back on track , I wanted a holiday to be declared. Turns out , it will be a holiday only if you have a laptop and can work from home. Well , you can take home out of work but not work out of home(Wow , that is a profound statement)
Anyways , got to work , dint walk to the reception , think i sort of skated / skidded on the ice .. Everyone moves in slow motion , like someone lessened the speed at which the movie is being played. At lunch I saw something that I doubt I will ever see again.
Everything was still , (of course the wind was blowing like it was nobody's business.but there was a calm). Let me describe the scene : A mile of a frozen river curving along snow-laden banks with diamond trees with icicles.
The sun started to shine , the icicles on the trees started to melt .The water dropped down , drop by drop. Like after rain, trees always have some water and if you shake the tree hard , you can have a mini-shower.This was exactly like that, except around 30 diamond-trees suddenly started melting. The wind picked up speed ,and the trees started swaying with water still dropping off.Sparkling trees , swaying to silent music and rain. Sigh!
With no warning , the sun disappeared , everything became 'grey' and then the flurries started, as specks at first, growing bigger with each passing second.And then , the flurries turned into rain , ice-rain . And then it all stopped and everything was still again. All of this happened in less than 10 minutes.It almost felt like seeing Summer, monsoon and winter in fast forward.
The drive back home was less treacherous. Got off early too ("Weather conditions are expected to get worse, it is advised that all employees leave as early as possible" is one memo that brings a smile).
Another cup of chai(I think I will shortly turn into the Tea-Monster) later , there was a 1 year oldie's birthday party to go to. (after confirming with the hostess that the party was still on and was not cancelled due to the weather) . Went to a toy store , It looked more like a science exhibition. Everything was a learning tool, there were no toys. Why did they stop making meaningless playthings? Toys are toys , they are meant to be carried around till they look dog-eaten (and then , they are to be stored). Well , to give them due credit , they did have soft toys. :D

That done, set off for the party . It is an amazing experience to be in a gathering where you know exactly one person.(and no, I did not even know the hostess)(and no, I did not crash the party , my roomie was invited and I was thrown in the "Your room mate is welcome too" category.And who can resist cake?) Then , you do what is best,you hang out with the kids ,I mean you dont have to make 'intelligent' conversation with them (and they are a lot more cute). But you cant compete with "Gauri is my best friend, I want to sit with her" and they kick you out of their world , back into the adult world.
After a few awkward "Where do you stay?" "Where do you work?" "When did you come here?" type of questions , I realised , every single one of them was married. The first question I got was "Did you come here with your husband or are you here on a H1?" Standard line.Like "I am Bond.James Bond." Well , anyways I came away with a whole lot of phone numbers and hopefully a lot of new friends.
And another Valentine's day passed by ...
And where does Valentine's figure in all of this! Other than the roses at the desks, and news reports about people braving the weather to get something special for their valentine , Valentine's is really like any other day. But it is nice to choose a day to do something a little more special.
Happy Valentine's day ! Here's to new friendships and affections. . .

Freeze!

Its been weeks since (proper)winter started, each day seeming to be as cold as the day before , maybe worse but definitely never better.When I got here , I remember calling up home and saying I was out in a temperature of 0 Degrees C and felt like I had done something exciting :D . Now , a 0 seems like a daily occurrence. If you thought the temperature is bad enough, Someone decided to have some more fun and threw in the chilly wind that make the temperature feel 15 Deg lesser than it actually is(How do people survive in Chicago!). It is very very sunny(most of the time) even on a cold winter day, a miracle I will never understand.I mean, it is cold because the sun is not available right ? or so I thought until I came over here :)
Well, once you are all warm and snug inside, the wind does provide lot of entertainment .It starts up mini-whirls of all the leaves lying around .My workplace overlooks a (now frozen) creek.Its looks like a big sheet of glass (nope, no one ice skates over it) .Right after it snows , there is an amount of snow that settles on the surface of this glass.If there are strong winds before the fresh snow melts or freezes into the creek , it makes a really beautiful sight. The winds blow the snow all over the place and it seems like the snow is skating over the ice(i know what you just thought , what weird imagination!) , Its like blowing fine powder off a smooth surface. It forms such pretty patterns, there seem to be winds blowing in all directions and the snow is not really sure which way to go . It makes people hold onto their flying umbrellas , pat down their Einstein-hairstyle , keep track of the papers in hand ( and this with all of two hands) and of course hurry in faster.
Hurrying from the parking lot to the warm Reception area takes exactly 2.5 minutes. After walking in one day , I removed the winter gear off my head and was trying to set my hair into place , unfortunately , what i touched seemed like a hard mass of some sort . My hair had actually frozen !! Serves me right for going in -25Degrees C weather with wet hair ! It had me laughing half the day though , imagine your hair turning into ice !! All the people around me had a field time 'tut-tut-ing' and giving advice about "You will fall sick like that!" . But believe me it was so amusing that I think I was a little :( when it thawed out !
and yes, it was -25 Degrees Celsius(and the sun was shining!)

My hometown

A quaint little town tucked away in the hills .A pretty river running by on one side and lush green forests all around hiding it from outside view.The beautiful temple around which the town grew, the path to the temple with stones on either side.The majestic AnjaneyaSwamy statue by the steps before entering the main Rama temple.
The Rathotsavam in the evenings , waiting with ammamma at the gate,with the arathi plate with camphor.. or going down the gutta and then waiting with everybody ... and finally the chariot passing us by stopping at every house ..

Running down the stairs of the temple right into the Godavari .. Picking up the baked mud from the river banks and using it (as clay) to make matchbox-lorry's wheels and all other types of playthings.Playing for hours in the water , picking up multicoloured-multishaped stones and stowing them in places where Tataiyya cant find them (he would always pull our legs about throwing them away but year after year , when we would hurry back there for the next vacation , we would find them kept as safely as we left them)

Nights on the terrace,in the cool breeze , waking up to the sound of parrots or the sudden showers where the poor parents and grandparents wouldn't know if they should put the mattresses in first or all the monkeys who are having so much fun in the rain that they refuse to get inside the house.Talking of monkeys ,there was always an endless stream of them , having the bath-house outside the house on the other end of the courtyard, I remember the day when a cousin stayed inside even after the bath because there were monkeys on top of the 'sajja' :)

The time we used to spend 'gutta-meeda' in the evenings , the walks till there and then just running around or 'exploring' the Ramadasu Mandiram or by that pretty-flower tree , collecting the white flowers with the yellow insides that we used to bend inside out and make it look like a designer flower ...

The guy who used to come down the road selling the (paper) 'rekulu' to make that yummy sweet (which is one of my favourites to date!)
The day I saw little pieces of ice fall with the rain (yes,in that hot little town with scorching summer heat of at least a 40 Degrees C and going up to 50 never seen ice-rain again to date)
The April 1st when I fooled my mom about the aakkoora guy (my first Fools Day prank)
The small little street behind the temple where ammamma would take us to shop , and I still have those 2 circular magnetic 'deity-snaps'
The coin with Sita-Rama Kalyanam scene on one side and Hanuman on the other that I carry with me .

The fateful day I found out that the dhobis use the mud by the riverside to wash clothes and when I went "EWWWWWWWW" , my mom said what do you think your Rin soap is made of !! (Trust me ,I did not believe that for a very long time !! )

The Chicken-pox dominated summer where 6 cousins went out flat with chicken pox , all the neem leaves in the house ... 6 cranky kids getting on the nerves of the moms :)) (Should have listened to them and shouldn't have scratched my nose :D)

Going to the theatre which had the Shri Krishna design on the wall , remember seeing a movie where Chiranjeevi had worn this weird pink shirt , and of course he was the caped-crusader (Kondaveeti Donga I think)

The goli soda in the break with the colored marble stuck in the neck and the vendor pushing it in with style and the pop sound ! and how could I forget the Gold Spot !! Don't think they make that anymore , I remember, going out with Tataiyya and getting to have that was like a treat .... Oh and there was this time , when a cousin decided to go in for soda and said that it was the same as goli soda but just a little bit stronger , and he also added that there was the art of keeping it in your mouth (without swallowing it) (who'll manage to do that for the longest period of time) , should have never tried that , it felt like the insides of my mouth were being torn apart or being attacked by something . :))

The fights where we would stop talking to each other for a while or perhaps stop talking till the next vacation , (there were no mobile phones or perhaps even telephones in those days, and of course letter writing has always been an art )
Then again ,we would get back to 'stealing' the yummy mango pickles 'drying' on the terrace , finish it off and make all sorts of innocent expressions when ammamma used to pull us up for that :))

Sigh , summer vacations must have been the best part of my childhood ...Long nights with story telling ,evenings on the hill , mornings by the river , temple visits , nights on the terrace .. Seems like it was ages ago .. and yet , the memories are just as fresh ...

Happppppppppppppppppy Birthday !!!!

Yummy Cakes , awesome gifts , pretty presents , a big party and laughter all day long .... This and all the happiness in the world , I wish for you doc ...

Many happy returns of the day :)