Mind your language.

Do you think a lack of English speaking skills is something to feel bad about? We belong to a country where we have myriad(close to) languages most with their own scripts.Is someone who is literate along with being able to fluently speak in one's mother tongue any lesser than a 'English' educated person? If I were asked this question, I would unthinkingly say, "No, it does not matter.Knowledge of one language is good enough.If you can write and read it along with speaking it, all the better for you.There's no need to feel slighted just because you cant speak English well, or perhaps not even understand it"
What opposes that is, I have seen hundreds of times where the lack of this 'skill' makes people feel like they are lesser beings.
On my trip back to India, in the airport, I saw lots of aged people (who were probably parents of Indians settled in the US) struggling to understand the officials.There seems to be a whole lot of fear in them and a lack of confidence . These very people have raised families, worked all their lives and are probably important people in their society.Suddenly, they become nobody-s.There were lots of smiles and snickers from the so-called English speaking people.How infuriating do you think that is?
Granted, our medium of education is English.That gives us a common language to talk to the other people in India who probably speak different languages than what we do at home.But why are we thought to think that knowing English puts us one step above the others? Granted again, that it does give us an edge.There are a lot of places where usage of English is compulsory.We can't expect foreigners who give us business to learn our tongue.We are still in the process of trying to please them.We need them, not really the other way round, right?It even gives us an edge against cheaper labour from China. That is occupation driven, any other reason? We seem to value all things foreign more than what we already have.I have seen people ooh and aah when someone says "I can speak French" , Sanskrit definitely doesn't get the same reaction.(Off I go on a tangent again)
Getting back.
I know of an auto-driver who became one because he did not learn English, even though he's a degree holder with a 90% average from a Kannada medium.
I know of people who are scared to travel to other countries alone for fear of being ridiculed.
We do have a penchant for picking up more than one language ourselves, but why does that have to mean belittlement of those who don't know the 'foreign' language.
And the irony of this all is, I wouldn't be able to express all this, this fluently, in any language but English.There must be someone out there looking at me and laughing about me not being able to write in an Indian language,isn't it?

If I could change the ending ....

She’s standing in the balcony, arm outstretched . She always does that . It makes her feel like she’s holding on to a bit of the rain. Like she could hold on to that instant when the drop falls into her palm and make that instant last forever, by just closing her fist around it. That’s what I think she is doing at least. Her child-like enthusiasm about the smallest , almost insignificant details is almost contagious. It seems like the same things repeated over and over don’t really bore her. As soon as she senses it, a small smile plays on her lips, it seems to reach her eyes and en route bringing a rosy glow to her cheeks .. and in less than a minute , you can see her whole body bounding around with an inexplicable energy.

If happiness were this simple, if I could forget everything in this world for a minute and be filled with the kind of wonder and enthusiasm that she is, I would willingly choose to be blind. I call out to her, “Its time for today’s Braille session.”

Every time I see her this happy, for a second, feelings that most probably mean happiness seem to rise within me followed immediately by rage. She has never said a word. She has never really indicated either, but whenever I see her, all I can think of is how big a failure I have been. I promised her the world, when she stepped into my house as my bride. Today, the very palm that she holds out is calloused with all the hard work she has to do to make ends meet. Today, that very instant that she wants to hold on probably reminds her of the time not too long back when was genuinely happy all the while.Her not complaining about it makes it worse for me, like she is a saint and I am the villain who spoilt her life. “If you are done wasting time in the rain, go get some tea for your husband who works day and night to get some food” . I see the devil within me raise , I cant control him. He throws my failures into my face and I need to appease him. I turn my face away, I cant bear to see that look on her face, where she replaces true happiness with a fake smile for my sake. Why does she bear me? Just because I loved her once. What a price she is paying for that. I cant pity her either, for I know, I am in a more pitiable condition than her. I don’t even deserver the affection she bestows on me , let alone the love.


My sister is the prettiest girl in the world.I can hear her humming to herself. She always does that when she is happy ….. When I grow up, I am going to be just like her. “Didi, wait, even I want to play in the rain, I got the paper , can we make the paper boats now ?”

I don’t really hang around my balcony all day waiting for her to come out to her balcony, but “Thank You God, thank You , thank You , thank You !! Thank You for making it rain . Now just make her look at me. Just once. Please please please ” She looked at me, she just looked at me. She’s smiling at me. Or is it the smile for the rain that carried over. Should I smile back? Should I wave a hi? Should I ignore it ? She turned away ! !! “I am absolute jackass, I should have done something, anything”
“God ,Pllllllllease keep it raining “


I tiptoe upto her(not really required I guess , she dint hear my banging down the door either before I remembered I have my own keys) and say Hi . She responds with a “You are late! You missed the first few minutes !! “ It really is hard to not kick off your shoes, join in on the fun and jump around :D So, if you intend to visit us, just make sure its not raining when you drop by.

Fire

It seems so easy to give up ,so easy to buckle under the tension,so easy to crow down ,so easy to roll over and die ..... but it isn't as easy ,when u have a voice in your head calling u a coward for not having the strength to fight the tide .... it calls out ,to the last left ounce of self-respect in u ,to stand up –to be brave- to be yourself – to c the full strength of what u r able to achieve but lack the vision to see ,to understand ....
U r born with the ability to face anything that fate and God combined throw at u .... as a kid ,even putting your hand into fire would be just a new experience .... once u burn it though, u just get wary and next time around u devise a clever work-around to to probe into the fire without harming yourself .... but the desire to get closer to the fire ,to see, what makes it ‘tick’ , never dies out ... but as u grow older u wonder y question what u don't understand,just let it be ,y burn your hands ,does it really matter in the great schema of things if u find out y fire ‘burns’ ? does it matter when u have to put food on the table ?does it matter when u have to be responsible to others? Does it matter when u r trying to get ahead in that rat race ?
Do u ever look up at the sky when the sun sets ,trying to burn up the whole sky ? putting on the best show yet as it is drowning into sure death ! do u think of the brilliance of the riot of colors spread across the sky or does it just remind u that time is running out ..... y the defeated attitude ? y the feeling that life is slipping through your fingers and that u r not able to do anything about it ? y cant u listen to your voice –to your soul- y don't u get up?y don't u look around and realise the beauty that the world holds for u ? y don't u stand up and be a man! Y does another’s action inspire u only to die a premature death ? who but u can keep the fire within u going ?
Y give up ? don't die yet,put on your best face and put on the show that makes life seem more valuable than 50 years of study ,work and family ... do something that stands out as that beautiful pink streak across the sky when u look and realise that the sunset is indeed beautiful and can still take your breath away ....

Off into the deep blue skies ...

I look out the window and see a group of dragonflies all seemingly strategically placed for maximum impact just waiting to pounce.Their indicators are on , blinking systematically every once in a while. This is far more interesting than I had ever imagined. They are actually polite enough to wait for the one that arrived before them to attack. There is just one path that has to be tread to get into the war zone. I see the first one from France approach the road cautiously and then pick up speed and then zooooom and finally make an awkward leap into the air that makes it seem like an over sized insect making its first unpracticed attempt into the skies, flailing its arms and legs(figuratively speaking) wildly. and then it moves into the open skies that seem to welcome it and lets it spread its wings.This is the part where the gawky awkward being becomes a majestic graceful bird.I can look at it for only so long until the skies swallow it whole. The war craft has left the base.And while I was still taking this in, Italy jumped in pursuit of France, and it went through the same saga that its predecessor faced.One after the other, I saw a couple of ugly ducklings turn into graceful swans.Each being swallowed whole by the sky , riding off behind the cover of the clouds in search of its own destination.I really do have to admire the operations control, they know exactly the right second that the next guy is allowed, all of them seeming restless, just waiting to be off, placating all of them, co-ordinating with all of them from so many different countries , each speaking a different language. Finally, my dragonfly with majestic wings(mine's the prettiest by the way) went down the final path and took off from Charles DeGaulle airport.
and oh, I am on my way home !!!

I missed 3 weddings!!

I have 3 cousins (girls) my age, all of us fall into a pool of birthdays within 6 months of each other.
I have missed the weddings of all 3. The first one, at the exact 'thali-tying' moment, I had stepped out to get my camera or something and came back to find that my cousin was officially married in the 60 seconds that I was away from the mandapam, which is sad considering I was with her 90% of the time since we entered the mandapam !! I missed THE part.
The second cousin got married last month and i was stuck here on another continent, seven seas away.
The 3rd one is to be married this Sunday and I am going to miss that too, my travel date back was postponed to 7th , coz we have a BIG release on the 25-26 weekend and "You have to be there for this release" and turns out, I don't have to be part of this release anyways.
So, I am stuck here for 2 extra weeks for absolutely no reason.
Life isn't fair is it?

Make-over!

You should not have a friend in Macy's who works in the cosmetics department for you never know what all you will have to face or rather your face will have to face. Well, I don't have a friend who works at Macy's and that should have been the end of the story. But then, when I was actually out there with my office pal, shopping for (cough cough, a bridal shower gift), she bumps into a friend, who at first shot, I thought was into painting. She had an apron with multiple pockets and brushes of weird shapes and designs sticking out. So, my pal decides to get a make over and I settled down to watch the fun. I don't know what happened next but the brush lady was attacking me and my friend was in my seat :( Saying "no" "No" "NO" " NO" apparently isn't enough) makes you wonder doesn't it, if its like a big hint "For heaven's sake woman, you need makeup, you are lucky you don't have to look at yourself, we have to" ;)
Well, before I go further, the only reason that this post came up is because I haven't tried make up before and being unexpectedly cornered into this was rather amusing.So, all that I was about to undergo was a truly new experience.
She started with some liquid that's supposed to "Clean the pores" .
Then we move on to Foundation. Now, she got a card with multiple browns on it and matched it with my face.I am a yellow-brown I believe (to think, all these years I survived thinking of myself as wheatish! how could I be so DUH! ), me being a yellow brown apparently made the brush woman happy coz she had the right shade for me! yipeeeeeee...
that rubbed onto to my face, she asked me , how do you like it, I peeped into the mirror and realised exactly how bad my skin was and how dull I was looking (hello, its 10 hours of staring at a computer monitor!) , but I couldn't see the effects of transformation from the old me to the new me yet. Still, I put on a broad smile and say, yeah, nice :)
Then, next comes powder , this is to be applied with the biggest brush she has, I notice . which is a hard thing to do, for I am half scared she's going to get something into my eyes and kept my eyes closed most of the while. So, she painted my face all over with powder1.
I said powder1 , for it turns out there's powder2 , this is the compact powder I believe , this one with a tint of rose.(Stop rolling your eyes!)
Another forced look into the mirror, nope , the ugly duckling continues to reign. They really shouldn't have those mirrors that seem to magnify everything, pores is one thing but when I saw craters gaping back at me, I had to look away.
This done, Step 4 or is it 5 or 6 , anyways, the next step was eye-shadow, finally, I got to choose the colour, pinks / blues or greens ... well, I would like to think that I am a blue person, but not for my face .. nah, after hmm-ing and ha-ing (like it was a National level decision), I choose brown (hey, I was trying very hard not to look like a rainbow). Now, I had to ask her, do people really apply so much ? and she says "I am not doing anything for you, people do a lot more" . Ignorance is truly bliss. :/
That done, it was time for eye-liner and mascara. I was asked to keep my eyes open and look at the ceiling while she used the mascara. That was hard.Try it sometime, having a foreign object on your eyelashes and looking up, not allowed to close your eyes.
and luckily after use of brush no.6 , they announced that the shop has to close. Relief. Whew, I made it out of this and alive at that! Well, both my friend and the brush lady seemed to like it, it was 'natural' make-up , almost not noticeable I believe.
Somewhere, the oil lamp got lit that maybe there's a swan after all. I reached home, thanking God that my roomie wasn't there to open the door(How do you think I would feel if she fainted or worse snickered!) .
"Mirror mirror on the wall, ..." I had barely started and the mirror shattered into tiny pieces.
Hey , I did not look that bad, I could have been the villain in episode 456 of Ekta's serials. I just needed gaudy lipstick and a black outfit.
I think I scrubbed my face 4 times in 15 minutes, making sure all the traces were removed from the scene of the crime.
Last heard, the ugly duckling was found suitable for the role of heroine's brother's fiends neighbour's daughter no5. Life goes on after all.
Craters or not, make up isn't for me, so , Make-over, move over - the real Myths is here to stay!

Up on cloud # 999!

I am happy today !! way beyond happy, I have passed over into elated! I did it, I finally did, I got a learner's permit! I can actually legally get behind the wheels of a car in the US of A now!! (too many exclamation marks I see , not enough though) let me make it a little more obvious, I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, not really a big deal I know, but I know how it means to finally do something that you have been postponing for the last 8 months! yeah, 8 months, now you know exactly how lazy I am :)
I suddenly feel that I can do anything.
Someone I know said "You don't change just because things happen", and these very things that happen around you can make you feel like the 'king of the world' or 'down in the dumps'. What happens around you affects you in/directly whether you want it to or not, whether you allow it or not, whether you recognise it or not. You are but the summation of all your experiences, you are molded bit by bit into what you are today, governed solely by what you faced, what you chose to learn out of it.
From the General's Daughter : "What does not destroy us makes us stronger"
Anyhooooo, the point of the tangent being, I feel like I am on top of the world now and am unable to stop grinning, called all my friends and told them this.Got to hear "congrats", "finally", "u should have done this before", "want to drive at least once before u leave is it", "wow , u r lazier than me" and my favourite "you are crazy sometimes" (I gather this was because of the over-enthu voice with which I announced that I got my learner's permit)
but Overall, I am loving it, in case u r looking for me, you'll find me on cloud number 999!!!
P.S. I hear they are taking out an insurance on the area for a radius of 15 miles from where I live, people beware, I am going to start driving.And soon.
;)

My first Dear Diary entry ..

Sitting in my balcony, there's a slight drizzle outside, the aftermath of a sudden downpour, "The General's daughter" by some guy in my hand ... Sudden thunder , I look up and for a second, for no reason,I smiled. I think rains are the most beautiful thing on earth. There's something very uplifting about them.
Just half an hour back, I was all set to go out for a walk, something about the sun setting at 8.30pm, makes you feel like there are hours and hours to spend after getting home from a taxing 8-6 job. But then, it was my turn to cook today, put the rasam on the stove and turned on the cooker with rice. Cut up some vegetables for making the curry, all the while telling myself that I will go out for the walk, just let me get this over with , so I will be worry-free.. and when I am almost done, it starts pouring , as pretty as it looks, I was a little :(
Got me thinking, isn't it the same with life, we always spend today doing things that we have to do and putting away "things that we like doing" for later on. And later on, if we don't get to do what we really like, we resign ourselves to 'fate'. Weird .
Well, anyways, I have my novels to read, a laptop to connect with to the world, a cell phone within arm's reach (have to stretch a wee bit to reach it though :D) and a voice in my head telling me how truly alone I am.
Ah, well, lets see what happened to the General' daughter.
Till then, keep :)

A R Rehman, Live in Concert ..

I have never been to a live show before.I have never been to New York before.Last Saturday, I was in New York , screaming away to glory at THE A R Rehman show.The man ROCKS! just plain and simple, he ROCKS !
The Indian community turned out in full strength, everyone , from the ABCDs to the mami's were there,I found myself looking wistfully at the Kanjevarams and the pretty salwar kameezes and was mentally kicking myself for wearing the usual jeans and tee to an Indian gathering.Of course, as expected, the biggest turnout was the spectacled creatures with brandnames screaming new money from all over, people discussing "I hear SAP pays xxx now" (if you havent guessed it yet, I am guessing you belong to the elite group of people who dont belong to the Software Industry).
Looking at so many Indians(if I can call them that) made me feel like I was in India, had me fooled , for all of a few minutes.Sigh*
We stay so far away from the 'comforts of home', the stuff we grew up with around us all seems a milion light years away(not a few thousand miles like it actually is). We know that this is a 'foreign country'.We are but outsiders,here for a short while (unless you are aspiring to settle here), What happens to "When in Rome,be a Roman" ? I spend most of my time trying to search for everything Indian.There is an indescribable pleasure in just finding a desi face(even if I am at the Indian store :D).There's probably something terribly wrong in the way human beings are made, yup, you thought right, I am hiding the fact that something is terribly wrong with me by trying to palm it off over all human-kind :D Knowingly, we make a decision to come here, far away from all that we hold dear. We watch a new culture, imbibe so many things from it , knowingly or unknowingly. We learn as much as we can while holding on to all that we have in us when we reached here. We change. We begin to think, to compare, to question, to prefer one aspect of a culture over the other, not liking either enough to say this is the best and end up becoming a bit of both.We slowly become part of the misfits that arent Indian enough to be Indians and arent American enough to be American.A cross-over happens, choices are made that put you into no-man's zone. But you arent alone there, you have all the other software guys for company ;)
Well, let me leave that for another day and get back to why I originally started this.
A R Rehman
A crowded stadium. The stage set up for the maestro.Darkness descends,the stage lights up. People walk in.Music starts.Excitement, anticipation and energy building up 360 degrees.The crowd literally waiting with bated breath for the magic to begin.And he walks in. It was like all the strain that was building up broke loose, and the house erupted in one giant scream of energy.
He played quite a few of his 'famous' numbers showing once again why he is the best. The nicest of singers, the soulful Hariharan, Sukhwinder Singh with the modulations(is that the word) that his voice made, the Rajasthani folk singer, Sadhana Sargam and my all time favourite - CHITRA, pure voice, childlike smile and the face of an angel . I couldnt believe there were so many people, so many music greats. There was a nice medley of the slow romantic numbers and the fast beats dance numbers.Then, there was the jugal-bandi style of the Monsoon song, all the singers lined up and sang in succession of each other, each egging on the other to outdo himself.They built up the mood to a crescendo. (for the first time I understood, what people used to talk about when they said Tansen could make it rain when he sang the Megh Raag). I almost believed that these people might have been able to achieve that feat! Then there were the music solos, Sivamani ! He rules, amazing pice that he played. Had people spell bound into silence.All in all, there were so many events, that I cant probably describe it all.
People dancing, tapping their feet away, swaying to the music. It was a sight to be seen and an experience to have been felt.The maximum applause for his older numbers like Dil Se or Humma humma, of course there was a huge-unending demand for songs from Sivaji.He actually managed to appease the whole crowd, with the punjabi numbers,the tamil songs and telugu, the instrumental, the world music, the 'hot' numbers, the 'religious' song.. the whole works. Really makes you wonder, how one man managed to create so much magic.
Well, kudos to him.As for me, it is one of the most memorable evenings that I have ever had.Definitely not going to miss any concert from now on. Dont miss it either if you get a chance.
Dil toh aakhir dil hai na.. Meethi si mushkil hai na ....

Dhire dhire machal aiy dil-e-bekaraar...

There's something magical about the word poetry that gets me all 'I don't have a word for it'. I admire and in the same breath envy a person who gets to express himself and do it with panache. If dealing with one's emotions is bad enough, imagine the guy who has the courage to express it out and then the guy who does it using poetry/shaayari as the medium. The emotion that one is feeling isn't enough, it should be expressed in such a way that you feel what the person was feeling when he sat down to pen it.
Beat a "Main aur meri tanhayee.." or a "Main shayar to nahin, magar aiy haseen,jabse dekha maine tumko , mujhko shayari aa gayi" or a "Yeh kahaan aa gaye hum yoon hi saath saath chalte" or the best " Main jaanta hoon ki tu gair hai magar yu hi kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai"
You can sense the love, the hope, the disillusionment, the heartbreak, the pain, the life afterwords. How it must feel to be on the receiving end of so much love, to be loved so passionately that it cannot be contained within oneself. Maybe the love of a poet is instrumental in bringing out the poet in him , but will s/he ever realise the beauty of the words strung together.Does it even need appreciation?No, the beauty of it is that it is a gift to be able to feel something and let the world know it.
There is one person I need to thank for having opened up this world to me, thank you :)
Will leave you with :
Ishq ne nikamma kar diya Ghalib warna hum bhi aadmi the kaam ke !