Ask a simple question

We went out on a birthday treat recently. The birthday girl had turned 30 that day. Generally the silent type with a smile always on her face. We tried to get her to talk a bit that day.
Somewhere in the middle of that I asked her "What sums up your life so far? What are your achievements? What, when you look back makes you proud?"
Before the sentence was complete she said "Nothing"
and that stunned me into silence.
I did not know what to say next.
Now, here's a woman who's an IT Professional with a Master's degree. She succesfully manages home and work and has an adorable daughter who's just started school. That in itself is an achievement isnt it?
We spoke more that day and we got to learn about stuff that made her happy and stuff that she was good at and all that but I barely remember any of that.
If someone asked me the same, I would probably answer it with an awkward joke, saying perhaps "Bangalore is still standing" or "Who has the time to achieve anything with deadlines like those in our project?"
But truth of the matter is there arent too many things I am proud of.
Oh, dont get me wrong, I take pride in being where I am today.I am content with life.
I know that if I push myself harder I will go where I want to reach faster(I will eventually even if I dont and that is my cushion ;))
I am who I am. I know it took my parents support and standing in society to get me to a point but at some point my individuality does seep in.

So, why dont I feel like I have achieved anything.
Because I have never worked hard for anything in life. Ever.
I have a wonderful family(husband included ;))
My health has been fair enough to me.
I have never wanted for money.
I studied because everybody does.
I took up a professional course since I never really wondered where my true 'skills/interest' lie.
I got into the 'working' chapter of life in the 2nd interview.
I have great friends.
I love life and never need to search for a reason to be happy.

So, why dont I feel like I have achieved anything.
Do I feel an achievement is something that happens in rarity? I mean, that above description fits at least 40 girls I know.(yeah, I know 40 girls !! )
Maybe.

So, why dont I feel like I have achieved anything.
Maybe it because I know I am capable of more but I stay satisfied with now and this.

Ask a simple question. Sigh.
Hey R, Happy birthday !

ICE Capades

I have no idea what the title means, escapades with my car just doesn't sound right..
I have come a long way from to keeping the car outside daily and waiting for my dad to come back from work to park it into the garage :D
I remember when I started saving up to buy a car. I wanted to get a nice mid segment car.Wanted to give a down payment of 1lac and take the rest as a loan. I did a little bit of research on the net.Went to a couple of showrooms with a wise friend (who claims to have driven a car since he was 8) and finalised on the Wagon R.
I can still recall all the times I would go to CoffeDay and force myself to get the cheapest item on the menu (no, Extra whipped cream cant be bought unless you have something with whipped cream already on it !!) I knew that every 10Rs made a difference.Took me 6 months(and it was worth it!) and a loan to have the money ready.
All of us went down to the car showroom to choose the color and all the extra fittings.
"Do you want to get a coating on the base of the car?"
"Power Windows will cost an extra 6000Rs"
"This is the best shade for a tinted window"
"Would you prefer the silver-silver, the golden-silver or the pearl-silver?"
Oh and I had just started going to Driving school. An hour from work daily in a yellow coloured Alto(which was what I first wanted, no !! not the yellow color, just the Alto). I can confidently say I dented the instructor's patience.He just couldn't understand why it was so hard to follow instructions!
My DL test was some fun. There was a long line of tense souls posing next to their cars. By the time I got to my turn, the fear, nervousness, knotted tension had all vaporised for I knew I was definitely going to fail it. The instructor sat at the back of the car (God knows why) and I got to handle the wheels for the first time. The policeman comes up to me and says, "Reverse in a straight line and come back"
That's it?? Me thinks, that's it??? I mean my instructor tore his hair out trying to teach me when to honk, (a light tap, not to long otherwise people wont care, a light tap sounds more confident) , how to reverse into a side road from the left and from the right, what hand signals to show ...
This cant be that bad at all then, I start the vehicle full confidence and reverse the car (of course forgetting to look behind, thankfully the stretch had been emptied for tests but of course no one doubts that you would miss a basic detail like checking at the rear end of the vehicle before reversing) I look up at the policeman, he's busy talking to another dude.
I reach the end point, I think I wouldn't have stopped if the instructor hadn't said "Now stop and go back forward" and literally had me jump out of my skin. You see I had forgotten he was there.
I brake. Press the clutch pedal down. Change the gear to 1st. Release the brake while releasing the clutch and the car jerked to a halt.
There I had it. I failed. The instructor said, "Move it, start it again" all the while looking at the cop who was busy still. I started and went and stopped properly this time.
And I Passed!
I know I know. I shouldn't have.
Well, I did and I got my brand new shiny car home, and for the life of me, I cant remember which shade of silver it is.
Went on a few long drives with my dad sitting in the passenger seat and guiding. I was so not good at it, esp when I had sole control. I wouldn't consider driving alone ever.I would just get too nervous. Day 2 that car was home, we were in a hurry to get somewhere. Dad got into the car asking me to move along since I was blocking traffic and at that moment some bright spark parked a 2 wheeler bang in front of my car, so much for the BIGGGG L board sign. A couple of people who had nuclear deals to sign started honking like the world was ending. I tried manoeuvring the car out and successfully made it without hitting the 2 wheeler. It got me so excited that I believe I forgot to straighten the wheels onto the road. I cut across from the left end of the road right onto the right end which had a gutter with a cycle in it leaning against a wall.
I remember dad saying "Brake Brake" . The last thing was him pulling the handbrake. My shiny brand new car went into the gutter and made multiple crunching noises and came to a dead halt.
I got out with my legs trembling/shivering (not sure what that's called). I couldn't believe it . I was horrified. I couldn't walk. People started to gather and all the nuclear deal guys just moved ahead with a shake of the head just happy to make it on time inspite of a bad driver wasting their time.
I was in tears by the time I got back home. Everyone was glad it was close home and no real damage was done. So was I, until an aunt said "Thank God, no one was sitting in the gutter" Can you even imagine what I felt then.
I swore off the car. It took the same friend again to teach me all over again and help me gain some confidence. The best and toughest part was trying to get the car moving when on an upward slope. And he did stop before he could teach me to parallel park ;)
Probably coz I left for the US. I did drive a car there. Auto gear and all that. I believe that gave me more confidence.
And once I got back, it took some goading from my brother to get me to drive again. One fine day, I was so pissed off, I just took the car out the park and right to office.
I just cannot get the car to move after it comes to a standstill.Even so, I was on my way to a real tricky crowded area. Looking back all I can think is , I must have been really pissed off.
I avoided stops as far as I could. Until I got into bumper to bumper traffic, where 1st gear is all you need and all I couldn't use. The car stopped. I was on the verge of telling myself that I was too hasty in doing this when I was not ready, when a auto guy stuck behind my car came forward, looked into my window and said
"Odsak baralla, sumne barthare road mele" (They dont even know how to drive and they come out on to the road)
And suddenly, I was relieved, that's the worst that can happen.
Took me quite some time to actually drive a car with some semblance of confidence but I do now.
The day I did the 3hour continuous stretch to a picnic spot through a highway and in city traffic, I had arrived.

and then ....

Everything remains the same and nothing remains the same at all !
Everything has changed and nothing has changed at all !
I am me, still. I think.
I am different, now I think.
The small things have changed and the big things are exactly as I would have wanted them. I can sense a difference but the essence is there strong as ever. I know not where each step leads, I know not if I will remain me, I know not how long he'll eat burnt food without revolting .... ;)
Well, I am happy and that I know :)
Mrs.Vc

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue

I stepped outside my home yesterday, as usual fiddling with my mobile, not looking where I was going and .... no , I dint fall, thanks for thinking the nicest thought that comes into your head.... I see this couple passing by, I absent mindedly turn back to my mobile and see that the lady has stopped and turned around and was gesturing to me. She says "Chennagidiya" and I go "hmm, smile ,neenu(darn I should have said neevu)?
she nods and then I realise who she is.
Now, the area I live in, at one point of time, fully belonged to just one man. A landlord / zamindar if you will. He passed away and split it up among 5 sons, all of whom have their houses on the street that I have my house on. The village turned into part of Bangalore, land got sold to all those new settlees and people like yours truly began to call that area theirs.
Now, the family of those 5 brothers still continue to have farms and have cows , so there's a whole lot of village atmosphere yet when you go to their homes. The menfolk sell milk in the morning, the women will help clean up the gobar, they have a dozen or so servants running around.
Now the children of this household grow up in an atmosphere of zamindari whilst having to do proper physical labour without shying away from it and yet go to colleges like Jyoti Nivas or Christ and see the 'other' crowd.
Now when I used to go to college, this lady (go back to the beginning of the story, in case you forgot who the lady is) and me used to occasionally go together. She was the typical homely traditional type, who nurtured hopes or should I call them dreams of graduating and becoming a working woman, independant. She was one of those soft spoken girls who had an ever ready smile no matter what.I lost touch with her and heard a little while later that she had given up studying for marriage. The only thing that came to mind then was fury.Now, here was someone who felt studying would make a difference in her life, someone to whom it mattered that she was educated, someone who had a dream.It was all squashed for a mere marriage. And as a bystander there was nothing else I could do anyways.
She got married and left for some faraway place.
And yesterday, for RamaNavami she had come home to visit her parents and passed by my place. We got to speaking, where are you now ... Are you working? She says , I think wistfully, "I am a proper housewife" and smiles.
Truth be told, she looked so beautiful and at peace with life that it didnt seemt to matter that she wasnt working or that she even remembered what she wanted 8 years ago.
ANd best of all, she still had that smile on :)

Of hillocks,cute village boys and jackfruits

I had gone to this pretty little temple recently. A mere 70 km from Bangalore, somewhere near Tumkur in/on DevarayanaDurga. The drive was scenic in itself and I had no idea that we had road toll near Bangalore, 11Rs to use the road aint that bad. And God bless Reliance for coming up with A1 and saving us the torture of using the roadside dhabas and dont even get me started on the restroom facilities.
Anyways, road tax given, cruising along at 100 kmph (nope windows not rolled down, was way too hot to do that) , it took us a while to realise that the radio was hissing not coz the poor instrument was spoilt but coz we had left Bangalore city limits. We did have mummy giving background music, everytime daddy went right over a hump at 100 :))
Villages, hillocks, lakes, greenery .... thats the way the world was meant to be wasnt it? what is it with metal and glass skyscrapers? Are there no more Howard Roarks left in this world?
We reach the temple right around noon before realising that temples arent open 24/7 , spoilt city people us being. but, to our relief it was open until 1. We had to climb a good 500 stairs , the temple's atop a hill in a cave and there's only so far that a car can take you. There was a nice breeze blowing, helping the puffing panting souls along to the top.
It was a temple as a temple should be. Stone pillars, stone floors, scattered crowd, sweet smell of camphor, incantations of Om in the background, calm breeze, a pretty sight around, a lake behind it and a smiling pujari. What more can one ask for? and of course, the alankaram for the deity (Shri Lakshmi Narasimha Swamy) was beautiful. To complete the pradakshanams , we had to walk around the 'enclosure', turns out we are standing on pure hill-rock and that had been cut away to make place for people to go around. We could see the road winding waywardly (I just liked the sound of that ,so its there... shh) and the green and before there was enough time to sigh we had burning feet to contend with , so we had to run back into the shade.
The prasadam there was by far the best I have ever eaten :D My mouth's actually watering right now at the thought of it.. the generous helping of ghee, the delicious food........ haiiiiiiiii
Darshan done, we drove back down to another temple of the same deity. The contrast has to be seen to be believed. This was almost our typical city temple, though there still was some stone work around and not all covered by the monstrosity called polished granite / marble. A pretty temple in itself no doubt but .... let me just say that the 20th century man had influenced it.
and the next highlight of the day, I drove back the entire stretch. Takes a bow :)

I wish I could find pointers to the lost memory locations in my head

A dozen things that I have been meaning to write about, things that catch my attention and I make a mental note to put it up and then time passes and I get caught up with all the boring details of life and I forget 9 out of 10 things that I should have captured and made immortal.
When you are in the midst of something happening, you tend to feel that the time/emotion is so precious or memorable that there is no way you can forget it. But time passes by and the nuances or those little details are definitely lost. The essence / gist might still linger in the recesses of your mind but you know that it is incomplete.That autograph book from the 10th std just before graduation, old mails that pop out when you are searching for God knows what, photos stowed away or those greeting cards bring back so many lost memories.
Ever wondered how it is that you can hum along when an old song that you havent heard in ages comes up. Its there somewhere in your head but you have forgotten that it exists isnt it?
Is life to be lost like that too?

Ignorance is bliss vs Knowledge is power.

I was having this rather interesting conversation with a friend yesterday in the midst of which I said “Not being aware of the options that you have lets you achieve happiness in your scope of life” and he goes “Yappa, now that’s gonna be in your blog tomorrow” .
Well, here it is :)

We were talking of arranged marriages.

He: Girls nowadays know exactly what they want, its not like they just accept what their parents decide is right.

Me: Obviously, they have just as much right to checking out all the options just like you would.

He: I know, it is pretty cool that they do. They want more than just a job and a family background, they want the personal details too. The girls of this generation have changed, I mean if I were to look for a girl the way my mom would do if she had her way, then I would just have to take sanyas.

Me: :)) That hard is it?

He: Everyone is educated, they know what they want. They tell me that they want to study further, I will have to go find a better job to be able to support them.

Me: :) Well, that’s the other part to it . If girls were married off before they really really figure out what they want from life, they will tend to grow into whatever they have. But if it is someone who has known independence and has learnt to think on her feet and fend for herself , she will probably have a harder time accepting a new person into her life whole-heartedly.

He: But that’s the whole point, she will be independent, she will be her own person, she will have a mind of her own. She will know how the world works and can look after herself.

Me: And because she does that, she wont be able to conform to the traditional Indian custom of being the docile wife who is expected to be one step lesser than her husband in all aspects, she is expected to be in his shadow. People may never publicly accept it and there may be quite a few guys who will treat a wife as an equal but the amount of people who can treat his wife as a superior being is almost nil. Most guys would probably want his wife to look upto him. How many girls who know that they are just as capable as him will want to ‘bow’ or ‘bend’ to his will willingly. If she does, it will be because she has to compromise, coz she doesn’t want any issue.

He: Yeah, that is sort of hard to ask a girl to act like she isn’t an equal, and of course guys would prefer to have the upper hand. And I guess girls would want a guy to look upto too. I mean they too have this culture ingrained in them like us.

Me: True. I guess it’s the way we are brought up.

(I don’t remember the conversation that went here)

Me: If someone were brought up in an atmosphere where she sees day in and day out that men resort to domestic violence at their whim and fancy, if she finds herself with a husband who thinks beating her is a norm, she probably would be able to devise a way to take it and still have a ‘normal’ relationship with him. But just imagine how appalling that idea would be to a girl who has always thought stuff like that was from during black and white movies. She would walk right out on that marriage if she couldn’t find a way to fix it.

He: :))

Me: She has her options open, she knows that this is not normal and that she has a right to expect a decent life. And she may chose to walk out but her marriage will be considered a failure though she is happier. Whereas the other woman would have made her peace and lived on finding happiness in the way she knows best. Having a limited vision lets you achieve the max in that scope. You believe you are happy and satisfied. That’s all that matters. Knowing too much doesn’t give you enough happiness if you don’t get what you consider ‘good’ stuff.

He: Too much knowledge is a bad thing, you should just have enough.

Me: Yeah, and how will we define that :-P

And then it trailed off. Well, this is but one minor aspect of the title but makes sense na.

Its the way words are strung together ..

Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.

Disclaimer : I cannot claim that I can write something that beautiful, though I wish I could.
Something that made me smile. And, EOD, thats all that matters :)

The smallest things are the hardest.

Today was one tiring day, I didn't do a single constructive thing. I was in such a sour mood all day, I had almost-strangers coming up to me and asking if I was ok(one wisecrack asked if he should get me a bucket! %^**&^*%^&%*%^&*), my teamie saying that he was feeling dull and that even when he came to hang out with me, I got him duller coz I was so "duh!"
Things happen to everyone, some people you stay away from when you know they are angry/sad. Some people always seem to have the same temperament.I literally cover the whole spectrum.Its a real wonder that people can actually stand me.
I screamed my head off at somebody today, even though it was my mistake.I apologise.I can't take it back, I wish I could. I am not as nice as a person I would want to be.

Jogger's stroll

You do see the darndest things when you are outside home before the sun rises.
Morning morning ....
I got to see all the shops lining the road with shutters down, I had almost forgotten that they were not 24/7 open.
The ladies doing the "sprinkling water in front of their homes thing" , was passing by one house, when I hear "Rangoli yenge chellam" .
Most side-road entrances had children from all possible classes with a uniforms of all the rainbow colors waiting with their mothers for the school transport. Those nursery kids who were holding their mom's hands. Older kids singing and playing those "hand-clapping games" with each other. Then there was this FAPS kid , must be in the 9th at least, and his mom was playfully slapping him.My fave though was the lone ranger dad waiting with his 6 year old son, and before I could actually go "Awwww" , the kid says, "Appa can you tell mummy to come" uahahahhahahaaaahhha
And of course the other "race" waiting for buses has to be the IT gang.
All with crisp freshly ironed outfits and the dog-tags around their necks.The guy walking while drinking tea, the guy who had stuffed water bottles into his laptop bag, the guy who parked his bike and started walking towards the bus stop with helmet in hand and of course the guy who was running for the bus like his life depended on it, he saw a girl look at him and came to a complete stop and started walking full calm , right until the second he passed her and then daud again !! he he he
Then there was that guy , who based purely on looks, doesn't look decent from any angle, he had this "Mom has just gotten me ready for school" look, hair all neat and combed to one side, all fresh and a big "Vibhudi" mark on his forehead, he looked soooooooooo paaavam !!
Mornings are nice. A clutter-free, thought-free mind is the happiest.