There's no place like home

This was written while waiting for my connecting flight to Bangalore at the Mumbai airport, in the wee hours of the morning , having just landed back from foreign shores. I was so excited and so unable to sit still that I needed something to occupy myself and I took out the laptop and started writing what I was feeling, it is incomplete of course, since I was more interested in hearing the call that 'The Bangalore flight is ready for boarding'.

The first thing that I see as soon as I land in India is the dis-obeyal of rules. Made me smile.Then there was the queue to get through migration and we had the usual jostling and 'breaking of queue', people slipping in left and right and the concept of personal space totally violated.There was this lady who seemed to think that shoving her bag into my back was a way to move faster.and hence my first irritated expression which I haven't felt in the last 10 months, at least not for the same reason.Then there was the airport security check, they had just one row for a few hundred passengers and having said that I must mention that it moved very fast.security did seem lax for there was a water bottle in my bag which almost always resulted in a personal human baggage check and me having to lose 15 mins extra coz of that, but here, the bag was just kept aside and I could just pick it up and go my way.The staff was helpful though, turns out the metal detectors that are used for the ladies, seem to pick up the back pocket buttons also! that was a little weird , the lady kept trying to check what made the beep and it was quite some time before I realised that the pockets had buttons on them.
and finally !! most importantly, the first thing I thought of when I landed was "Yeh jo desh hai mera , swades hai mera" and that put on the biggest smile on my face.There seemed to be not as much excitement as I expected considering that I spent the last 7 months waiting to get back home, but honestly , being in a flight full of Indians(I just typed desis and had to erase it and make it Indian, coz of obvious reasons). There is something that totally tugs at the heart strings, the feeling of being back in India, of being back home, seeing all ladies in sarees.. It doesn't seem anything like people warned, I was told there'll be a 2 month withdrawal period before you get back to accepting what I spent 23 years of my life in.Well, maybe early to say so considering all that I have seen is the airport only so far.
But baby, It feels great to be back home! I am loving it ! No more McD's , no more SUbways , plain old masala dosas and vadas and sambars and chutneys ... Yummmmmmmmy !!
Friends, family , familiar surroundings... sigh, what I have been pining for for the last 10 months, almost since the day that I left .... I am home . I keep saying that to myself as I sit here in this airport lounge and wait for the last flight that I want to take in a journey that started exactly on October 25 last year.I think outside of home and office, if there was a place that I spent time in , it was in airports.
I really do wonder if I achieved what I set out to do, a part of me wanted to explore more than the limited pond that I seemed to grow up in , another part of me wanted adventure and something new and exciting... a part that wanted something new ... I wonder if I found all that in the last couple of months, I know for sure that when I got my tickets in hand to return to Blore , the first thought that ran through my head was "Is it 10 months already, what have I done in all of these months, I am going to go back home and everything is going to be exactly the same, nothing has changed , nothing will, I am probably the same that I was 11 months ago, just feels like the page of a year of my life has gone by without much having happened" but then I also know that I have grown up, learnt to be a little more self-dependant, learnt to be my own person and have sort of formed an identity of my own, I have had to face all my shortcomings in the face, I had to face my worst fears, I had to learn to depend on myself, in the same breath, I also learnt that the actual independance that I was seeking is impossible,man is a social being, nothing can get done in the best possible way if you don't have the support or advice of someone who's been there before or done it.

A dime a dozen

I have been reading this past week and how.

The Da Vinci Code
Deception Point
The Prodigal Daughter
A Matter of Honour.
Dhammara
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone
and currently
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I couldn't finish Dhammara though, it was really boring. I didn't know I had THAT much free time at hand.
(whoa, that's almost a book a day !!!)

Cleaning out my cupboard

I did the darndest thing yesterday.
It started with me rolling up my sleeves(literally) to clean out my old lot of 'gifts/greeting cards'. I had three big bags of them to clear and started sifting through them and as was inevitable got into the flashback mode for many of them.
The oldest I had was from when I was in the 5th std. A friend had given me a 3D card of a sailor and a small boy waving to a ship at sea, move the card and the ship moves. This girl now has her own 2 year old daughter!
There were lots of birthday cards, best of luck for exam cards, festival greetings, a bunch of letters from a penpal, pocket sized telephone directories and birthday remindes.
I found a piece of paper that was torn off from a Hindi text book, the corner part, where I had written down the birthdays of 5 of my 12th std friends in about 1.5 inches of space.
I found a packed which had around 10-15 friendship bands from the 12th std, some from my college, some from my tuitions, and best of all, I still remembered who had given me which one.
There were of course many cards which had "All of us" signed at the bottom and no year, so I wasnt sure which gang this was nor which year I had gotten it on.
Another card that a couple had given to me saying that "This is the first time we are doing anything as a couple". It felt so good to see that.
Then there were a few lines of Shayari written on foolscap sheet by a friend, a budding poet 10 years ago, not sure if he still keeps at it. I wish he does though.
It was a nice walk down memory lane, one that brought back memories I hadnt raked up in years. Its nice to know that I havent forgotten so many of those incidents. But I do wonder how many I have indeed forgotten.
All these were the gifts of my school and then +2, I wonder what happened to all the gifts I got during my graduation and working period. I guess, they turned to be gifts that are in the showcase at home, at school, I guess a card is the most affordable, the older you get , the more you can spend, right.
Yup, coming right to the darndest thing point. I think I mentioned a phone directory stowed away in the midst of those cards, I was going through the name (I actually couldnt recall some of the people's faces even with their names and numbers in front of me).I saw a name , A, a friend from 12th, actually, my friend K's friend. K was a really good friend to me in those two years, we'd spent a lot of time in labs, lunch and after school hours, we'd end up in her house pretty often talking for hours. Probably my closest confidante of that time. We finished 12th, I moved to another college while she continued on in the same one for her graduation and somehow we never met after that. It is pretty surprising, now when I think of it. I lost of a close friend out of sheer negligence of keeping up a friendship.
Like my mom says, life always puts new people in your path, most of the old ones drop off with time and the new ones sort of fill up that gap till the next new one comes along. The few that stay with you are the ones for keeping.It isnt that they changed or like you lesser or any logical reason, things just happen. You live with it.
Sometime after I got onto Orkut, I tried searching for her , lots of times, but for the life of me , I couldnt remember her last name, I still sifted through hundreds of records with the first name and gave up thinking that she probably isnt on that website.
On a whim, I took the phone and dialed A's number, this being a landline, I hoped her parents would be able to tell me her current number and I could get to K through her at least.It really didnt register on my mind, that the number I had was 10 years old, that her parents might not live there anymore, that she could be married/working/studying somewhere continents away, that she may not be in touch with K. I guess I need to do things like that more often, just do it before I can think of all the reasons it will fail.
As luck would have it, she was there, (I am sure her father wondered why I called up on a landline and asked if a Ms A lives there and then introduced myself as a 12th standard classmate to him) but of course she had absolutely no idea who I was.
I tried giving some 'clues' about me, "I was on the college throwball team", "We used to sit in the cycle stand after classes and discuss Mrs. G's latest funny statements", "I used to hang out with K in labs". Absolutely no go, I rattled off a few other names from their group and she at least was convinced that I am not a total nut case and there's probably some authenticity.
But, bless her for this, she told me that K was on Orkut and gave me the mail ID.
I have shot off a friend request and have my fingers crossed that she at least remembers me :)

Writer ?

This is going to be true ramblings, I have been meaning to write something for over a week now and havent been able to think of a single thing to write about.If I were indeed a writer, I guess it would be a wonderful example of writer's block.
I wonder if I will ever be a writer, as in write something that I can think of as a piece of readable, interesting, well-put, well thought out litereary piece.
Maybe not. But then who knows, the future may need 'would-be-authors' like me.
There was this movie I forced myself to watch, just so I could get to the ending, where this writer has writer's block, she is trying to figure out how to kill the main character of her novel and ends up going to bizarre places and doing even more bizarre things just to get inspired.
She goes to a hospital emergency ward and realises that people are getting healed here inspite of the urgency and severity of the problems, so she asks one of the staff "Where are the people who are dying, who will die, where do you keep them?" and gets this weird look in return which could be interpreted to mean, "May be you want the psychiatry ward for yourself".
Then she rolls off her car into a lake in winter just to see how the dying person would feel and realises that she wouldn't like it either when she's shivering sodden wet and smoking her trademark cigarette.
Wow, it is so much easier to describe something that you have seen or read rather than to try and come up with something original isn't it?
For instance, lets say you can beautifully report something but you just don't have the creativity to invent characters and situations, does that make you less of a writer or does that just make you someone with limited creativity.
Hahahhhaaa, I like that word limited, it is such a wonderful way of saying almost none.
One wonders at all the words and phrases that are in use just to sugarcoat the actual essence - take for instance- vertically challenged, would you honestly be able to say that a person being called vertically challenged will take that description better than being called short? Won't s/he know the difference, rather, the lack of a difference?
We shouldn't call a spade a spade.
Isn't that a big part of writing, the more accomplished writer you are, the directly proportional the size and obscurity of words that you use.For a long time, I assumed that someone with a good command over the language and a vast collection of big words undoubtedly assured your position as a good writer.
Turns out, its not true. When I read something, I believe I need to feel the emotion being spelt out, understand the story and have fun while doing it.
It can be looked at from another angle where, if the reader is as educated as the author, then maybe he enjoys the finer nuances and higher intellect more. So, if I was an author, I would want all to read my stuff, so that would mean, the max length of words I use wouldn't probably cross 8 letters.
There was one occassion in Hindi class at School that I remember, where the teacher, after admonishing the class for lousy Hindi skills, called out my name, asked me to come to the front of the room and read out the answers I had written. I barely had time to wonder if mine really was the worst of the lot, when she said "Her answers are so well written, the simplest words possible but she gets the point across and thats all I need".
I know there was a compliment in there somewhere but at the 14 years of age - frame of mind - walking to the front of the class - mix, I wasn't sure.
But I take that as a compliment now. The point is to get the point across.
Hope you got the point.
Uahahahahhaaaa, if only she were here to see the mess I have made.

An incomplete attempt

She looked at the clock. The hour hand hadnt moved.Why did'nt it? She had patiently waited for a year, but this last one hour was taking forever. She looked at the clock again. Did it move ? or were her eyes just playing tricks on her? She looked around her. There was almost no one else in the station, just the porters lying around. She got up, went and got herself a coffee. It did nothing to soothe her nerves. She walked up and down, sat on the bench, the beautiful sunrise went un-noticed. She paced up and down the platform more than a hundred times and yet that darned clock hand wouldnt move.
"I will be back on the 17th". There was no hi-hello, she picked up the phone at the first ring and she heard the hoop of joy and "I will be back on the 17th". It was the 17th today, all of 5.30 am. Then she heard the whistle of the train as it chugged into the station. Her eyes looked searchingly at every door, into every window, where was he?
He found her before she did him. She was knotting and unknotting the edge of her dupatta. She always did that when she got nervous around him and it always made him smile. Everytime he had heard her voice over the phone, he had imagined her doing that or throwing her long plait over her shoulder like she would when playfully teasing him. Sigh, he had missed her so much the last few months. As he looked at her now he felt it more than he had in all his moments of loneliness, than all those moments when he spent hours looking at her photo and cursing himself for having gone away from her.
She saw him, he was half-hanging out from the train. He was here. The guy with the cutest smile she had ever seen, the guy she had her first crush on, her best friend, the love of her life, her husband was here. He had his broadest smile on, head half tilted, that unruly mop of hair falling over his forehead. She broke into a smile and then into laughter, the whole year melted into nothingness. The train screeched to a halt.He got off the train and walked towards her. Time stilled around them. She was laughing, her happy laugh- oh how he had missed the sight of that.

She stretched out her hand and touched his face. She let her palm linger over his cheek, she felt the slight stubble.As her fingers curled backwards, he held her hands to his face.Her soft fingers against his skin felt like pure magic. He sensed her moving her fingers away maybe because of the place they were in, but he dint really care. He pressed her fingers against his face and close his eyes, letting the sensation sink into him. He opened his eyes and saw the expression on her face had changed. She was trying her best not to break down.
The tears were welling up within her. She dint want to make a scene. It hurt to be so close and have to be away.

An evening at Ananya's

She walked in to find Shreya crying, no, she corrected herself, Shreya had just finished crying and was trying to calm herself.Her face was streaked with tears. She wasn't sobbing, so it wasn't the hysterical sort of thing, something she remembered perhaps, there was nothing about her that she could connect to un-happiness of any sort.She went upto her and put an arm around her, the poor kid hadn't noticed there was anyone else in the room.She looked into Ananya's face to find a warm comforting look but also the famous raised eyebrow which was the unspoken question. She knew that she didn't really have to tell her, but it was Ananya. Anyone could pour their heart out to her, she would listen patiently, not once interrupt till you get everything off your chest.Then she would tell you how to handle it if that was what you wanted or she would convince you that you had done only what you could or something else, but you would always walk away feeling lighter and maybe with a smile too.
Ananya saw the hesitation on her face and knew that she would tell her what was wrong. She had come in to look for Shreya, no doubt, her presence was being missed. As it was. they were running short of hands to help and she herself was away.The hostess. The crowd was piling up and Jeevan wasn't that good at handling big numbers as Shreya.Ananya had just walked in after parking her car and noticed the huge crowd waiting outside her restaurant.A couple of minutes later, she realised the cause and thats where we comeback to the beginning of this story.
There was no point in reprimanding her for being away from her post when she obviously was in some form of discomfort.She got her to take a chair while she took the stool next to it and asked her "What happened?What upset you?" The story came out in bits and pieces and as the girl started to replay the events, she seemed to lose her control again and started sobbing. Trying to soothe her and understand her garbled words, Ananya finally made sense of what had happened.
Today was a very busy day for the eatery, people thronged and generally did not mind waiting an hour to be seated. Turned out that one of the patrons wasn't happy with the seat that he had been shown to.He was a regular too.He had been outraged that after waiting for close to 45 mins and being a regular customer too, the staff hadn't shown him enough courtesy.He had been given a table in the smoking section.That for some reason he had taken as a personal insult. He had come back and told her that he did not want the seat he was given, she not knowing why, tried to convince him. With his temper raising, he had told her that he did not want to be in the smoking section, she had the line of customers in front of her to tend to and this guy was talking to her in raised tones. So, she told him , "Very politely Ma'am" , to wait a few minutes and Jeevan would attend to him.Less than a minute later, he came back to her and started shouting at the top of his voice about courtesy, common sense . So, she told him to give her a couple of minutes and that she would find him a table in the seating area of his choice as soon as one became free.Nothing seemed to pacify the man and he kept screaming at her.Nothing abusive thankfully, but very rude.When she could not take it anymore , she had just walked away just in case she lost her temper and would say something to him that she couldn't take back.
"I'll go back now ma'am, I guess he would have gone away by now. I don't know if the hotel has lost a regular and I am sorry about this Ma'am, I should have handled it better."
,"Its not your fault, I know you well enough to say that you have handled the toughest of customers.This guy must have been something totally out of this world to have affected you.Not to worry. Now smile a little, go freshen up and come back when you feel up to it. I'll handle it till then"and she gave her a big smile.
She hoped Shreya felt better as she walked back to meet the crowd. She took a deep breath and told herself it was ok, you can handle this.Taking care of the details, the behind the scene work was her forte.She liked staying in the background and observing what people wanted.Studying people, their reactions, expressions, animated voices , all that was what she enjoyed doing.She always tried to shirk away from facing people.And now, it had to be done. As she walked back, she wondered who this guy was who had created such a huge ruckus that had actually ruffled one of her best.Must be an old geezer probably uptight about smoking.Old world grandpa with deeply set notions of how senior citizens are to be treated.She conjured up and image of a retired military guy, bald with snow white moustache which is generally treated as a symbol of pride, walking stiffly and upright like he was marching under orders.And laughed. She could imagine him towering over Shreya while she helplessly tried to convince him to wait for a couple of minutes.
15 minutes later, she was too lost in checking in on the service, finding the right seat, keeping track of which tables were getting freed-up, which were in the dessert stage , so she could add them to the next openings, at least now people were contained into the seating area and not overflowing onto the street.It would show the Banerjee's on the other side how good her business was but she had always thought it was demeaning to have to stand on the street in a queue just to eat food. And in the same tone, she tried not to let it happen at her hotel.She would have to open another branch soon , she knew it but had been postponing it. The brand was in the making,it had good wishes of quite a few regulars, people came from halfway across town too on special occasions, there was a lot of good will that she could cash in on.There was the investment for that, she had to get the right building , she had to start scouting for locations, then there was the ....No, she firmly told herself, not now, think of all that later leisurely.Not now.Almost waiting to break her chain of thought, if she hadn't done so herself, up next was a man whose face was a weird pink. She smiled at him and she made the usual statement "Good evening sir, welcome to Ananya's.Will it be just you or will someone be joining you?"
"Ah, you are a different one.Let me start from the very beginning. It will be just me.I want to be seated in the non-smoking section." Pause."Is that clear enough or do I have to repeat myself?"AHA ! so, this was he. She stood silent for a second before replying to him. She was about to open her mouth when Shreya opened the door to come in, one look at the guy and she stepped right back out in that very instant.She laughed.She couldnt help herself, the poor girl had to choose that exact moment to come back, didn't she.
"Something you find amusing?"
She looked back at him, the ring of laughter still in her tone, and said,"Yes, you seemed to have scared Shreya, the hostess for the evening. I had no idea that someone who seems as congenial as you do would have that effect on people. As for your seating request, I am flattered that you like our place enough to have come back after that mini-show you had put on.

More reports ?

She walked away as fast as she could. She could still feel his stare.It made her want to jump right out that window, anything so she would never have to face him again. As she reached her desk, she was fuming,what in the name of the heavens did he think he was! Muttering to herself, she sat down to re-work her last 5 hours effort. That would mean another late night at office, more answering to her parents who would start off with the usual, "Being a girl, working so late, cant u tell your manager to let you go before 6". She could never give a straight answer. Damn the equality business, wouldn't it be great if you could cash in on being a girl. And what's the point being a girl if you cant make any profit out of it!!
Even as she thought it, she knew that, she wouldn't really try to back out of work using that as a trump card. She actually liked what she was doing, she always had fun,she had a great group of friends, and all seemed to be going good.
In fact, all was going good until that stupid manager came out of the blue, just to make life miserable for her. Why couldn't he have remained onsite? A weekly status report and he would keep out of her hair, and he didn't seem half as bad on the phone as he did now."Monster" the word escaped her lips before she realised.
And he materialized at that very instant.
And wouldn't he, its like he knew exactly where to be at the exact wrong time when she slipped. like today, when one wrong entry in that darned report needed for all the others to be re-worked. She didn't really have time for all that flashback, he was standing right in front of her, hand casually placed over the cubicle wall with a bemused smile.
He did have a nice smile,she grudgingly gave him that and then he opened his mouth to speak.And that was it, all thoughts of his stupid smile being cute went out the window.
"I am sorry sir, I was talking to myself" she cut him off. His smile became wider and she felt like kicking herself, why did you have to go and apologize for something that he probably didn't even connect to himself." Was there something else to be added sir? I have just started on the rework".He said something and she wasn't sure what it was, he was probably talking to himself. Well, why doesn't he go to his oversized desk and talk to himself, why bother me. But since she couldn't say that to him, she just put on her prettiest fake smile and hoped he would not hear her teeth gnashing behind.
"Do you want me to help you out with that? I know you spent a lot of time on it, its pretty unfortunate that you have to do it again"
Her mouth literally fell open, he! His Holy Majesty was offering to help !Did she hear him right? Was he mocking her and telling her that he doesn't believe she can get it right again? No, don't jump to weird meaningless conclusions, he's just offering to help. Maybe he realised he was harsher with her earlier that required.
"From next time on though, make sure you have the numbers right, it will save us the double effort when you could be doing something else"
How could you even think that he would help you with no sarcastic reprimands! Just a second back, she was almost going to say "Yes", she could go home early she had thought eagerly. Now, there was no way,stupid over-egoistic show-off, I don't need any of your help.
"No sir, its ok, thank you, I'll manage it myself. I'll mail it to you before I leave".
Another of those maddening all-knowing mocking smile and he was gone."Good riddance" and she immediately bit her lip, in case he was still hanging around. Thankfully, he wasn't.
She started on the task. Almost every entry she made, she had a curse ready for him.
Why did he have to come back here?
Why was I the only one who has to report to him?
Why couldn't it have been Ananya(she had gone home 2 hours ago!) or Saahil(he was around somewhere doing God knows what)?
Why me!!
Why couldn't I have confirmed the stupid number with him before having started off?
Who would have thought that he had a 'latest' report! He doesn't expect me to hallucinate it does he?He probably would.2 cups of coffee, a visit from the security guard checking and 4 phone calls from home later she was finally done.
Now to mail it to him and be off with it.He was probably in bed snoring away to glory. The choicest of abuses came to her, but she stopped herself, it was her mistake after all,and she was the only one who could do those reports and he did offer to help, she had been too egoistic to accept.
She stretched to relax her body, she had been in the cooped position for too long. She couldn't feel her legs. She rubbed her eyes wearily, the dark circles from today would take a week to go away. Another bout of curses for him came up.
"How are u planning to go home?"
"What the ... You scared me sir"? Scared would be a gross understatement, he had scared the living daylights out of her. She almost nearly fell off her chair,she told herself, not that she would,but she felt she could have.
"I am sorry about that, I got your mail, I thought you might be ready to leave now, do you have a ride back home?"and that smile of his again,Stop staring at him and answer to what he's asking.
"I .. uh ... no.. I don't have a ride. I mean, I ... uh .. I will book a cab now sir".
Stop stammering stop stammering stop stammering.
"I can drop you if you want"
hmm, he actually stayed back. To drop me? hmmm.
"Well, I stay in XYZ, its probably out of the way for you sir, I'll book a cab"
"Not really, I don't mind at all, in fact, I would appreciate the company."
No you wouldn't, not my company. She had heard that he was an absolute terror to people even onsite. No one could manage one proper conversation with him. People would go out of their way to avoid him.I would definitely not enjoy your company.and he was walking away, he turned over to say "Give me 5 minutes, I have to finish up something"
Oh, so, he was working.
She went to freshen up and one look at the mirror, she looked like she had been toiling in the hot sun without respite for a few weeks, how in the name of the heavens did he manage to look like he had just gotten up after 10 hours of sleep, all fresh and grinning from ear to ear like a donkey. Damn him.
She washed her face, set her hair, sort of satisfied with the end result, she walked out.A sudden thought popped into her head, and why did you have to make sure you weren't looking too bad.Before she could answer her own question, she saw him.
He was good looking in a good sort of way. She had never really noticed him like she would a guy before, he was always Akash, Akash the monster. He was just the boss, not a guy. He wasn't that bad looking at all, she thought as she tried to read in his features without seeming obvious.He was on the phone. She remembered, he stayed with his parents in ABC, that was way out of the way from XYZ. He was probably telling them, he'd be late.
When she came close enough to hear what he was saying, she realised he was on the phone with the client, at 2 in the night for heaven's sake. Doesn't he have a life of his own? Then she also realised, he was one of those untiring, unrelentingly hardworking people for whom work was life. She knew that all the people who were wary of his company or the people who were scared of him,anyone for that matter, would, without blinking say that he was probably the only reason the whole team was on this project. He was good at what he did, all respected him , just that no one saw him get pally with anyone. He was always barking orders. And all seemed to be on the receiving end of it, that definitely doesn't earn friends now does it.
With a start, she wondered, if he felt lonely around all the people he was surrounded by. suddenly, she was almost pitying him, he always went alone everywhere, he didn't really have a fixed lunch group, he probably missed lunch more often that he had it. But he never seemed a loner, he was always something or the other to all.It was like she was seeing him in a new light, he wasn't really a monster, now, was he. He's just doing his job, maybe a tad more roughly than one would want him to.
He was winding up the conversation, and did a "Shall we leave?"gesture. She nodded and they went towards the parking lot.

I am me

It’s been over 2 years now. The same office. The same route to work everyday. The same people. The same faces. The same meaningless conversations. The same canteen. The very same dreaded canteen food. The same old work under the guise of new.
She never really liked what she was doing. So, she bore whatever work fell into her plate and did it with the required amount of involvement and a pinch more than that of indifference. She had long since come to understand that it was just means to an end. She did not look forward to feeling elated or like shouting “Eureka!! “ every time she made some amazing breakthrough. She was good at it, didn’t mean she had to like it. And it paid more than she could earn elsewhere, if she even knew what work she could do elsewhere. Seemed like years of training and repeated-constant exposure to her environs had turned her into what she sometimes despised in others – a modern day slave who harbored illusions of being different, being something more than all the other sheep, who was pure brain and had great potential just waiting to be recognized. And of course, one given 8*8 sq feet area, walling the slave in as much as they believed they used it to wall out the others.
That is the problem with knowing so much theory, being able to think out something, rationalize it, think of your situation as if you were seeing yourself through the third person’s eyes. You just lose track of what you want to do, what you are, what you can be, what you truly like and what defines you. You become another wallflower. And she was at the brink of falling over that line.
She looked at each place and identified it with the people that made it as it is. It gave her more pleasure than most other things to be surrounded by people who were waiting to be read and understood without them knowing it.
There were people she used to like to work with, people she liked talking with, people she would meet up over weekends for a cup of coffee and fun. But it all seemed so long ago. Sometimes, she felt like the survivor of some war, one who could only search for people who were part of her surroundings once but are no more. She looked around and felt like strangers had occupied the place that belonged to her friends. Like the table they always sat at in the canteen, many a time, was occupied by people she had never seen before. And she always felt that twinge of regret of have not gone away herself.
Moving to a new place seems to be less taxing on emotions than to live on in the same place with space and memories to fill in the gaps.
She moved forward suddenly as the bus stopped with a jerk. She had reached her slave factory.
As she got off the bus, she smiled wistfully at the thoughts that had filled her head through the journey and she shook her head. Another day, another beginning. There’s always hope, you just need to want something badly enough.
She saw a friend waving to her and moved towards her with a big smile and said hi. And she heard in return.
“Hi Stuti”.
That is me. Remember it. I am not Employee Number 213456. I am Stuti. I am my own person. I have hopes, desires, wishes and a life to live all by my own rules. Remember that and today too will pass by without you wondering why you feel like a part of you dies everyday just by being here.

The Silver Lining

It was a day like any other. The habit of having coffee at 11 now ingrained deeply into her, she set off with some of the other wilful slaves of routine. There were the usual jokes, the camaraderie, the rounds of laughter, discussions that were meaningless but being spoken of as if they would shake the earth's very foundations. She almost smiled at the futility of it all.

Sometimes, she wondered at herself. She was very capable of being in the midst of a throng and feeling very alone. It wasn't visible to the others, she would be saying the right things and responding at the required pauses but she felt like she was looking at the life of another, through another's eyes while being aware that there were no two people, it was just her.

She would be talking and simultaneously processing how the people around her would perceive the sentence, who would respond and in which way. And more often than not, her brain would foretell what would be said next and for that it would have prepared a response too.

These were two clearly seperate processes, both intimately aware of the other. The talking-process sometimes wondered what this is, if it is normal to have the voice in your head pondering about the clouds in the sky when you are talking of that model walking down the ramp on tv.
She was walking towards the coffee dispensing machine in the cafeteria quite lost in her own thoughts when she saw him. The first thought that ran through her mind was "Now, that's what good looking is". She was gawking at him and felt absolutely no need to feel ashamed about it or avert her eyes in case any one was watching her.
Just looking at him refreshed her, it was the weirdest of emotions, that voice inside her was telling her , trying to reason out what it was that she was doing, but the very same voice also grudgingly agreed that she was right. There he was minding his own business, unaware of her, just waiting for his cup of coffee and she felt like she had reached some special point, that something had changed all in that one second.
He turned around and left , oblivious to her and she moved along with her crowd and got her own cup but she didn't dare look for him.She didn't scan the cafeteria for that cute guy dressed all decently to look like he was one of that crowd, but he wasn't . She just knew.
Nobody realised that she wasn't in the conversation, but she really didn't care, the turmoil she was in mentally right now astounded her.
She had seen so many guys before, probably better looking than him, she had been in love too but this emotion that she was feeling based on one look was new to her. It made her feel wondrous, almost giddy with that feeling filling her up.
She leaned back on her chair and savored the moment. It was her ray of hope, it was that silver lining, she was still alive. She had feelings within her, they just needed that catalyst to bring it out.
She stood up with a smile and turned around to walk towards the door. He got up at the very same moment and as he did, he looked up at her. At that moment, not for the last 15 mins when she was agonising, questioning, understanding, accepting and finally enjoying that feeling that was coursing through her, he chose this minute to see her.
A thought popped into her head, what would he think if he knew I was smiling because of him.
He was still looking at her, time seemed to slow down to see exactly what effect this guy was having on Stuti.
She was surprised at the calm she felt, if she ever noticed some guy 'checking her out', she would immediately escape from the situation, either with a scowl on the face or swearing under her breath. Not now, now, she wanted him to see her, she wanted to know if she would affect him the same way.
As she passed by him, she knew that she wouldn't even have to look back.
He had felt it too.

gimme more

I come home last night tired from another monotonous day and surprise myself by whipping up rice, rasam and a curry in less than 40 mins. And while I was washing up to set the table for dinner, Vc goes 'You didn't make chapathis? I thought I saw the belan in your hands.'
Grrrrrrrrrrrr .
P.S. Luckily I didn't have it then, otherwise it would have caused a nice bump on his head.