Accept what is or change it !

I have spent my whole life accepting mediocrity as part of me, I have no qualms saying that there isn't really anything that I am passionate about enough to want to excel at it and push the boundaries.As I say it though(knowing fully well that it is the truth), it makes me cringe. It has always been in the air that you should be good at something, if only one thing, in life. It probably would be something that defines you as a person, it will be something that will reflect on your personality.Except for one phase in my life, there has never been anything that affected me for more than a day. Almost everything becomes a passing fantasy, it doesn't hold my interest long enough.
Once something fascinates me, I try to get to the bottom of it, learn it, perhaps well enough to be an amateur at it. But if by chance it so happens that its too hard to complete I just let it be , like it never happened. That determination to complete the journey is something that I always find lacking in me.Its so much easier to quit and live on with half-baked knowledge.
Well, the story should end there.The problem is, well, it just doesn't end there!
I have always felt respect for a person who can see things through, who just doesn't think of giving up, its like s/he has never heard of 'giving up'. Seems like they find so many ways out when all I can see are closed doors(Are they shut only on me?)People seem to have devised ingenious ways of 'attacking' a problem or work smart towards finding a solution and they seem to actually relish it too. While yours truly hates problem solving and doesn't really give anything enough importance to see it through.That too is not the problem. Its not really a question of I can change it and become an 'achiever', I probably don't even want to.(I am actually cringing again now) The problem is that I know this about myself and it makes me feel 'smaller'. There's something about 'falling in your own eyes' (yup, that was a transliteration, but it best expresses what I want to say) that seems to hurt more.Ignorance truly is bliss, as long as I did not know that I was 'made' this way , I was OK with it, but now when I see people around and having made the mistake of comparing the way they handle situations with the way I would I realise how (whats the word for it) incompetent I am .
Well,simple, you might think, you know what you feel is lacking in you, just do the right thing / start working towards a newer attitude.Well, I have tried, going all out and saying I WILL do (or die? :D ) this.Have even completed somethings that I probably wouldn't have thought possible, but then there are times when I just want to slip back into the comfort of giving up.It makes it harder for I know that it is easier to give up, the only reason I will myself on is I don't want to see myself a loser.
Everything is simpler if the world doesn't expect everyone to excel in something.
Everything is simpler if a person doesn't tell himself that he HAS to do this.
Why does a person push himself to do something ? No, don't say it is not because of the influence of the world around you, that you are doing it to please solely yourself.Sub-consciously, it has seeped into you that you have to be good, you have to be an achiever, that your value becomes lesser if you are not a go-getter , you cant satisfy yourself with being mediocre , you have to want to excel.
No, I am not blaming the world for making me think lesser of myself(but still trying to find someone to blame)
Which doesn't go to say that I am pleased with sub-standard work, I always put my best into whatever it is that I do, but I also put my limitations immediately around any task which results in the fact that I will never tackle anything other than that I already know how to solve.Fear of the unknown ? Fear of Failure ? Finding comfort in the Familiar?
But if new paths are not tread upon, new battles not fought , how will one's horizons expand?
and I come back to square one, where I know what I am but am displeased with myself for
a)not being better than what I am
b)for accepting it and having no issues with it
c)for not being able to change it
"Accept what is or change it so that it becomes what you want" is one thing I do believe in strongly,yet here I am not able to do either.

Reborn!

He removed the curl of hair that fell across her face. She did not even stir. Maybe she was lost in the magical world of dreams.The defiant curl of hair fell back again, as if it were not willing to go away from her pretty face.She is pretty, he thought to himself. His thoughts wandered back to the first time he saw her.
He was sitting by the lake trying to fight off the demons in his head, the searing voices that told him to stop, that showed him fear of death and hope for life in the same breath.His life had come to a standstill. He was walking away from all that he had done, he probably would never be forgiven by all those who had died at his hands, but he did not want any more blood on his hands.He had willingly taken up this path of life, there was no story of being an orphan and having no food, or having a father who was a thug.He had never had qualms about being called a murderer or a drug dealer.He saw the power that came with it.The fear in the eyes of people as he passed them by, the money that flowed in like water.The company he kept.That was the language he understood.It was worth a few measly lives.He never looked back with regret.Until that day.

It was to be a simple job.The assignment was a woman who lived alone. He walked into the room, her back was to him.She was less than 3 feet away, he took out his gun.As he pulled the trigger, the lady had turned around and in her hands was a child no more than 2 years.It hit the baby straight.It was the first time he witnessed so horrifying a death.There was no sound.There was no grimace on the face.A gurgling sound just melted into silence. It was the expression on the mother's face.She didn't cry, she didn't scream, she just folded into herself. She looked at him in disbelief, she clutched the baby in her hands closer and fell.
He did not remember going back home.He had wandered the streets aimlessly.He had gone to the river.All his horrors seemed to come back and haunt him.All the faces that had begged for mercy, all the nightmares.The night was gone and he was restless.He did not know what he was fighting.His way of life? Why was he questioning himself? He did not know , but he knew he would never be able to do it again.He needed to free himself.
The sun was bringing the day back.The running waters seemed to carry away his troubles with them.Today he had no place else to go.He lay back , watched the green grass and the small yellow flowers dancing in the breeze.
The sound of silence had always bothered him, but today it gave him his peace.He fell asleep and woke up to find a very concerned pair of eyes peering into his face.She jumped as he opened his eyes. "You're alive!" In more ways than one, he was reborn.
She stirred and it brought him back to the present.He pushed the curl back, gently kissed her forehead.She opened her eyes , blinked the harsh daylight out and smiled at him. She was his angel.She had guided him back into life. She made his nightmares disappear.
He sighed,he had made another decision. Today was the day he was going to tell her.Today he would have to put her through this.He would come clean.He loved her more than life itself.He could not go through each day with the fear of her finding out.He had always shielded her from the world and from him.More for his sake than hers, he had found love and he held on to it, but he knew he would have to tell her.
He sighed again as she looked at him with her questioning eyes.She could always see through him.The part of him that he had let her see. The part of him that she had helped him rediscover.She never knew how much pleasure the small things of daily life gave him.He was beginning to think of himself as a human being again.
He did not want to tell her but he also knew he would.He needed his guardian angel now.

Ambition!

Everybody in the world around me seems to walk with a purpose, places to go , people to meet, things to do . There seem to be so much on the mind, from the mundane thoughts of "Will I make my bus on time ?" or a "I hope I get to that meeting on time!" to the more serious issues like "I hope everything is smooth sailing at work today so I can get back home and take care of XYZ" or "I hope that ABC doesn't come up with a new thing to impress the boss and put my job in trouble." Life seems to have been reduced to being a run-here and then run-there and then get-here or get-there. We seem to rush through life, where's the time to stop and smell the roses. Everybody is hurrying along life at such high speeds trying to get to a destination that isn't probably even defined. Have half the people in the world ever even thought about why they are doing what they are doing ? Why is it that they are always rushing to get to some place?

Is it about motivation? Is it about achievement? Is it about satisfaction ?

What if you never had the 'inner-fire' to go out and take the world and come out on top of it? What if you have always been satisfied with your lot? You might not have gotten to climb Mt.Everest , but you got to go to the far end of the street you live on. Maybe that makes you happy! Maybe you want no more out of life than that which you already have.

Have you ever tried saying that to anybody, saying that "I have no ambition" , "I am happy with my life as it is at this moment" , "If this moment were my last, I would have no regrets" , people will look at you like you have probably committed a terrible unforgivable sin or make a horrified expression that says "I am not sure I am hearing you right, I don't understand how that is possible!" The sum of our life would be what we want it to be or at least what we make of the options available to us.

Who dictates what you are searching for from your life?
The world's opinion about "What defines a proper goal" or "These are the benchmarks that have already been set, you have to reach there if not better it" or "All around me are doing "XYZ" , I have to do it too and do it better than them" .
Does anyone really ever know what it is that they want out of life?Are you even searching for anything ? or are u just being pushed by the moving crowd and have no option but to let the flow control you ? Is anyone searching for anything ?If you don't know for where you are going , will you even realise once you reach it ? Or will you continue in the sea of people ?

Lets say, you know where you want to get in life, you have your own goal defined. Circumstances change people. So many incidents happen that mould you into what you are.The very way you think is influenced by all that you see around you.What you want today , you may not want tomorrow.So much so that tomorrow, you might even end up wanting something totally opposing what you want today.
Is it necessary ,at every step , to find happiness in what u have in hand or should u keep pushing yourself to find that elusive pot of gold just around the corner. Or perhaps, the concept of 'here and now' is meaningless if u can look back at the summation of your life and die with a smile !
And then again, is there ever an end to our journey?

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life"

The orange of the sky seemed to reflect off his bare shoulders, the glistening droplets of water on his back and the wet strands of hair falling across his forehead bore testimonial to his swim.It was the river bank that he was lying on now, trying to clear his head.The cool waters of the river always seemed to do the trick for him but today even they decided to desert him.He took a deep breath like he was trying to absorb all that was in front of him at this moment.
This moment where the sun was dying and the sky gracefully consented to let herself be coloured.This moment where the running waters seem to be calling out to him. This private moment,curled up on the river-bed, when he succumbed to tears.This moment when he is the most vulnerable that he will ever let himself be.This moment that makes him realise that the world as he knows it is crumbling around him. He wished for the power to still life, he would do so at this instance and keep this slice of life with him forever.
"Power", the word made him smile, involuntarily. He would never want for anything, never again.He made himself that silent promise.As the darkness descended around him, the flame of hope within him began to rise.
A new journey was about to begin.

Is He Scared?

All of mythology shows that God vanquishes the evil-doer Demon but isn' it He who gives these ‘demons’ those powers? Those dim-wits try to think of all possible scenarios to become un-conquerable when asking for boons and the gods (work like tax consultants/perhaps lawyers to) find a loophole and then vanquish that poor soul (of course,even the rakshasha turns out to be a demi-god in his previous life and he’s ‘suffering’ for his sins and attains moksha by dying at the hands of God Himself)
Let me re-phrase the whole thing.
Mr.Demon does penance for ages,stands on one leg, lets wild plants grow on him,fights all distractions, goes half mad but perseveres till he gets to see the Almighty. With a whole lot of cunning (whatever is left after years of solitude), he asks for one measly boon, (my fave has to be HiranyaKashyap, death shouldn't be inside nor outside, not during day nor during night , not by Man nor animal (nor God?)), God says "Okie-dokie ,Keep the change you filthy animal" and the boon-powered demon comes back to his kingdom ,becomes king and starts terrorizing people(who by the way probably never bothered about God so far coz they are happy with life as it is going) and then, this guy gets ahead of himself (he never took History classes or heard the stories his mom told him about how his ancestors were duped) and challenges God. Who of course , then descends from his siesta and then 'releases' this guy from his suffering.
My point is,
Why does He give boons that He knows will boomerang?(He CAN of course see the future)
Why does He wait till the Demon causes mass-scale havoc?
This is when people will have to look to God for help.This is when all start praying to Him.This is when He becomes the most-important.The worse the demon, greater God will be considered to be(after killing him - and it is a war that He WILL win). And after this , everyone gets back to their merry ways because they have no more troubles and then God decides to open a new cage to unleash a new beast.
Walking back to the present, let me try to apply that to a small-scale situation. There are always people who seem to have everything in the world , at least outward appearances tend to say that , yet a closer look almost always reveals that there is something missing.Something that makes that person unhappy from within(which is the worst kind possible, especially if it is something that he cant control ,no matter what he does or how hard he tries). Then , he will try to find solace, in quite a few things perhaps, but most commonly in religion or in meditation (which is finally the route to Him)
God doesn't seem to give man a chance to become vain and self-dependant. He wont release the leash enough to let man forget Him.No matter what powers we have, emotional, physical, mental - we find ourselves seeking Him (at some point of time in life).
What if we personify God , make him a man with his own insecurities and fears ?
Is it not possible that we are but his 'playthings / pets / slaves / students' and He would not want us to outgrow Him ?
Is it not possible that He is scared that we may not 'love / remember' Him if we din't need to , so He keeps pulling the right strings to make His presence felt ?
Is it not possible that we have no limits except the ones He wants us to believe in , but He will never let us know that?
Is it not possible that he is possessive about us and wants us to Himself ? Is He Scared of losing us ?