Accept what is or change it !

I have spent my whole life accepting mediocrity as part of me, I have no qualms saying that there isn't really anything that I am passionate about enough to want to excel at it and push the boundaries.As I say it though(knowing fully well that it is the truth), it makes me cringe. It has always been in the air that you should be good at something, if only one thing, in life. It probably would be something that defines you as a person, it will be something that will reflect on your personality.Except for one phase in my life, there has never been anything that affected me for more than a day. Almost everything becomes a passing fantasy, it doesn't hold my interest long enough.
Once something fascinates me, I try to get to the bottom of it, learn it, perhaps well enough to be an amateur at it. But if by chance it so happens that its too hard to complete I just let it be , like it never happened. That determination to complete the journey is something that I always find lacking in me.Its so much easier to quit and live on with half-baked knowledge.
Well, the story should end there.The problem is, well, it just doesn't end there!
I have always felt respect for a person who can see things through, who just doesn't think of giving up, its like s/he has never heard of 'giving up'. Seems like they find so many ways out when all I can see are closed doors(Are they shut only on me?)People seem to have devised ingenious ways of 'attacking' a problem or work smart towards finding a solution and they seem to actually relish it too. While yours truly hates problem solving and doesn't really give anything enough importance to see it through.That too is not the problem. Its not really a question of I can change it and become an 'achiever', I probably don't even want to.(I am actually cringing again now) The problem is that I know this about myself and it makes me feel 'smaller'. There's something about 'falling in your own eyes' (yup, that was a transliteration, but it best expresses what I want to say) that seems to hurt more.Ignorance truly is bliss, as long as I did not know that I was 'made' this way , I was OK with it, but now when I see people around and having made the mistake of comparing the way they handle situations with the way I would I realise how (whats the word for it) incompetent I am .
Well,simple, you might think, you know what you feel is lacking in you, just do the right thing / start working towards a newer attitude.Well, I have tried, going all out and saying I WILL do (or die? :D ) this.Have even completed somethings that I probably wouldn't have thought possible, but then there are times when I just want to slip back into the comfort of giving up.It makes it harder for I know that it is easier to give up, the only reason I will myself on is I don't want to see myself a loser.
Everything is simpler if the world doesn't expect everyone to excel in something.
Everything is simpler if a person doesn't tell himself that he HAS to do this.
Why does a person push himself to do something ? No, don't say it is not because of the influence of the world around you, that you are doing it to please solely yourself.Sub-consciously, it has seeped into you that you have to be good, you have to be an achiever, that your value becomes lesser if you are not a go-getter , you cant satisfy yourself with being mediocre , you have to want to excel.
No, I am not blaming the world for making me think lesser of myself(but still trying to find someone to blame)
Which doesn't go to say that I am pleased with sub-standard work, I always put my best into whatever it is that I do, but I also put my limitations immediately around any task which results in the fact that I will never tackle anything other than that I already know how to solve.Fear of the unknown ? Fear of Failure ? Finding comfort in the Familiar?
But if new paths are not tread upon, new battles not fought , how will one's horizons expand?
and I come back to square one, where I know what I am but am displeased with myself for
a)not being better than what I am
b)for accepting it and having no issues with it
c)for not being able to change it
"Accept what is or change it so that it becomes what you want" is one thing I do believe in strongly,yet here I am not able to do either.