How much are you worth, really?

I feel free. I feel relieved.
Remember the feeling when we believed that our test results in 5th std were the most important thing in our lives, that there was no tomorrow after that.
Remember when that was followed by 10th std results.
And that by +2 results.
And that by Engg. results.
And that by placements.
And that by appraisals at the end of every year.

I am beginning to realise that we seem to spend life measuring ourselves against periodical tests which in the big scheme of things mean zilch.
Oh, I know, they do matter at some level.
My 10th results helped me get into a decent college for +2, where my not so good results put me into engineering where my not so bad results helped me get into a software company, where my yearly appraisals have thus far given me a 50% increment in salary from the time I joined, lots of anger, frustration, disappointment in so called managers, disregard for the whole appraisal system, some tears and finally today, freedom.
I seem to have put myself in a position where I worry about what my appraisal is going to be. I seem to get worried when I cannot speak my mind for fear that a manager might use it against me.It almost makes me feel I care about their opinion(and from that tone, I do hope one realises that I don't)
And, I don't take it lightly that I am so affected.To realise why it affects me so, you probably need a little insight to my past appraisals.
Year 1 :
I got a 3+/5 along with 7 other good friends in the same team (and in the manager's words) because "It won't be nice if we gave one more than the other since you all are such good friends."
Oh and I wasn't thinking of me getting a better rating.One of the guys had slogged so much that he should have gotten a 4 at least and he didn't.
I guess the disillusionment started then.
Year 2's first half:
I got a 3+ again, surprisingly. The manager developed a strong dislike for me since I wanted to look for other projects, preferably onsite, because I was to be released from the team.Notwithstanding the fact that I worked 3 weeks for that team after my official release date.
Year 2's second half:
I had heard at the starting of this period, that, in this team, the manager decides who gets what rating and tells his deputy who then has to assign weightage to the person's achievements so they somehow fall into what was predecided.
Inspite of that scare, Year 2's second half saw me get a 4 , my highest thus far, but I ended up at 3 for the year end average.
Year 3's first half : Now this takes the cake.
While year 2 gave me a problem because I wanted to go onsite, year 3 gave me a problem because I wanted to come back.I was onsite for a period of 6, max 8months and that was the deal. After 2 months of torture or continuous haggling and pleading, I came back home after 10.5 months and worked in the offshore branch of the same team.
At the end of which I got a 2.Now I can get a 2 even if I play hooky from office every single day.
The discussion with the manager was enlightening : "Anybody can work. What is more important is that you did not stay even though we asked you to"
And there I was, thinking that you are appraised on the quality of work you do.
And of course, that was a clear cut case of "You didn't toe my line, I can sc**w you, and I will."
Year 3's second half : A new team. This is where the average of the 2 halves decides my pay hike.So, I worked a little hard.And got a rating on 3.5 for the 2nd half. Turns out, the average of 2&3.5 is 2.
Another amazing discussion resulted in my understanding, that managers have been taught not to say yes or no but to give ambiguous answers.
I mean, I asked "Even if we don't consider the average of 2 halves, since the 2nd half is always given more weightage.Given the fact that out of 12 individuals at the same level of experience, you yourself chose me to be a team lead. You know that the previous 2 was against my track record, you do appreciate the the fact that I can work.Don't you think I deserve at least a 3?"
And he said "What can we tell the HR, why didn't we know that you were a 4 earlier, how did we come to know now.We have to give them a valid reasoning."
And I think I would have laughed at the whole sham if I wasn't fuming.
Year 4's first half gave me a 3.9.
And going on Year 4's second half, for which I decided to really slog and get that elusive 4.
I HAVE been slogging, late hours, 10 min lunches, no coffee breaks for days at an end.Project deliveries on date, venturing into new areas of procuring business, preparing for certifications. Oh, if I wasn't always such a showoff, you would know that those words are true! ;)
And today something happened, without going into details, I can say something silly got blown out of proportions, it got escalated and one level-up honchos wanted to have a meeting.
My first feeling and I ashamed to say this, but since I am pouring out so much already I'll go ahead, was fear.
Fear that this will become the one black dot against all the other good things I notched up so far.I was readying my defense if I can call it that.I was waiting to be summoned to the meeting like I would for a death knoll.
And finally it hit me.What in the blazing heavens was I working myself to bits for?
For a set of people whose workings I have not been able to respect? For a set of people whose decisions have never been fair? For a set of people who I don't care about, I was wasting my time and energy and in the process giving myself a couple of ulcers.
And then I realised, I don't really like the work I do. I get by it. The money's ok, I am in a comfort zone, I haven't seen growth in my personality in ages, if anything I am getting more retarded(if you know what I mean)
My life is more than a series of performance marks. If I ever get philosophical and judge my worth against that, then please take the closest belan you find and beat that thought out of me.
I am tired of marking my worth on some process I don't believe in.I am tired of putting in futile effort which is not leading me to where I need to be in life's journey.
I am looking for that path now, the one where I can be myself, not be judged and find my peace.