Yipeeeeeeeeeee.... If I knew this would happen, my previous post would have come up a lot earlier :)
Thankieeeeee , whoever tossed the dice in my favor :)
My weekend is almost done. Each of my days seems to merge into the already gone one and perhaps even the one yet to come. I seem to feel like I am lost in a place that is repetitive, monotonous would be too strong a word to use.
Each day varies from the other and stands out for what it is but there is something I seem to be looking for .. and that seems harder than finding that corner in the circle.I guess I do some stuff daily that is outside of the routine ..
but then why?
I find myself wishing often, that something would happen. Something that gives me a chance to focus my energies on. Something that affects me(in a nice way please, if anyone who can make it happen is listening in , just in case).
Twiddling my thumbs in boredom and in search of something constructive to do has taken up most of my time, after the biggg break that I allowed myself after returning home.
Having fully rested, recovered from any hangovers of the US - starting with the time zone difference, to expecting people not to bang the door in your face when you are right behind them leave alone expecting them to hold it for you with a smile (WHAT was I thinking!), to having fallen sick due to pollution twice (try having to stop behind autos at the traffic signals) and come on ! stop smirking ! I was embarrassed saying that too, until the the doc himself said so ! His bright idea on how to make sure I don't fall prey to the grey stuff again is "Go back to the US " ($%^#%$%&Y^#$%#$@#)
Being in a team which has seen no work for the last 6 months, people tell me I shouldn't be complaining, its been just one month in my case !! (another stream of !@$@#$%$^%^%&^**(*((%^&$%^#%@#$@$#@$) What amuses me is that people seem to think of that as an achievement , "We don't have to slog you know" said with ear-to-ear grins and people on the receiving end making noises to suggest that they actually envy that!
And I must confess, I feel I am getting caught in that net of sluggishness and laziness and all that goes in between !
God! I don't want to end up like that !!!
I miss my Exceptions !! I am sorry I complained each time my WSAD spewed you guys out. I would love to see you guys again , pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase !!
I went to see Sawariya yesterday. Yeah, I know, inspite of having all the bad reviews and all the people complaining of headaches and depression. We missed the first 10 minutes, but the pace at which the movie actually went, I doubt we missed much.
To start off with, I had no expectations of the movie, maybe of Sanjay Leela Bhansali but not from the story, nor the actors, nor the music. SLB is good.I would go see his next movie too without thinking twice.The story is basically, boy sees seemingly-mysterious girl, strikes up a conversation with her, they become friends, he falls in love with her. Now thats night 1. Night 2 has him quitting his job to be able to talk to her, he learns of her sob-sob love story, a man who has promised to be back in one year's time to take her away. So, now we have a heart broken Hero and a Heroine who seems to be laughing at the drop of a hat and starts crying before it can be picked up again.
Night 3 has hero telling her that "Mystery-man" wont be coming back for her. She is convinced and decides to marry hero. But then... one last look at that bridge and her mystery man is standing there waiting for her, she asks him to "understand and let me go". He gives a winning smile and bows out of her way.She walks off into the night with her hero and the movie's hero is left holding her anklet.
Well, thats the story.
I admit, there were some scenes that I loved.The sets were amazing, the theme of the movie was of course night. Black and neon-ish lights. I suppose one has to understand the magic of movies, the painstaking effort that goes behind every frame.The thought/dream of one who is trying to show his vision to the world.Every scene tries to show something about shadows and light, it tries to show laughter rising in the middle of darkness, it shows something that I failed to understand.It shows the life force of water flowing right through the heart of the city where people try to make a living out of seemingly nothing.Everyone keeps talking of hard times but the only depression they seem to carry is the loss of people around them.It shows people as being basically good no matter who they are or what they do.It makes you believe in the innocence of all that exists.
It is slow and that is a no-no for most people.It shows a romance that seems to be more of a friendship with a few special moments.Every scene seems to drag.The pace could have used a helping with, the bridge and her expressions became boring.It seemed like their world was too small. Acceptable I suppose. But , what pained me the most was that I did not feel sad for the hero that his love was walking away with someone else.I did not feel moved enough.And isn't that what a love story is supposed to do? A tragedy at that. It should make you feel for the one who doesn't get the girl. I was just glad the movie was over.
I could take the first half, but the second half started a headache that lasted 17 hours.
And to think, I had looking forward to seeing this movie for over a month now.
As I turned onto the main road, I saw this lady(in her late 50s I would guess) running at full speed.Searching for her object of affection, I saw a BMTC bus. There was no way she could have made it, but she kept running and surprise of surprises, she almost caught up with it,(a little of the credit for that should go to the pathetic patch of road maintained by the state) Another 20 feet and she would have made it.So, I pulled up to her and asked her "Bus ga" and gesturing that I would help her catch up with it. She turns to me with a BIG smile and says, I have never sat on a bike before.Before I could respond , to tell her it wasnt hard to get on or hold on in a bike , she had caught hold of myself and was hoisting herself onto the backseat.She pushed herself off the ground in one quickjump, pushing down my shoulders at the same time and voila ! she made it. and it was then that I realised that she was sitting with one leg on either side, which wouldnt really be a reason to raise an eyebrow sans the fact that she was wearing a saree. If someone had a camera, then I wish he took a shot of the expression on my face.It would have been worth it, coz I really want to know what that cute guy across the road saw and half-smiled and half-doubled over in laughter. :(
Anyways,we made it to the bus in the next stop and the lady disappeared.
I was passing by the ASC center area and there was a huge crowd to one side, all the military guys were milling around.I had just enough time to take in all that when I saw that the road was littered with broken glass and that was when the crowd cleared to show a man getting out of car with blood trickling down his forehead.At least , he was being escorted by one of those military guys, so he would have gotten decent medical care.
Going on, in the usual jungle of traffice where everyone is searching for that elusive gap between two vehicles, everyone who has the choiciest of abuses waiting at the tip of their tongues, everyone zooming to get to work or college at break-neck speed.
I passed by one case where the handle of the guy trying to get through the invisible-to-all-but-him gap hit another bike and that guy almost toppled sideways, just a glare and then both went forward, who wants to waste time on a fight if that means you will miss the signal right?
Other than that we have our usual dose of people who think being overtaken by a girl is a personal insult and has to be avenged with utmost urgency.Once they get past the girl, they slow down and keep looking into the rearview mirror, gloating and trying to show the girl that they managed to achieve it, that they 'defeated' her.
The usual dose of autos(not to say that they are the only culprits) which spew away smoke like there is no tomorrow, given the rate, I doubt if there will be one anyways. Try stopping behind them at a signal, with yucky grey smoke billowing at you non-stop while the guy on the bike next to you decides that the 120 seconds at the signal is enough to start on a new cigarette!
People crossing the roads like they believe vehicles have to slow down for them, taxi drivers trying to go faster than any Bangalorean has gone before, buses trying to take a left when they are in the right most lane and people in the center lane are forced to turn right for there is no option left!
And of course, people who believe one-way signs arent meant for them.
My cup of woes does overflow.
Anyways, have cleared the battlefield for today and safely made it to work(I will have to erase that and put in office, for obvious reasons ;))
Until the next episode, my 30 minutes back home!
Do you think a lack of English speaking skills is something to feel bad about? We belong to a country where we have myriad(close to) languages most with their own scripts.Is someone who is literate along with being able to fluently speak in one's mother tongue any lesser than a 'English' educated person? If I were asked this question, I would unthinkingly say, "No, it does not matter.Knowledge of one language is good enough.If you can write and read it along with speaking it, all the better for you.There's no need to feel slighted just because you cant speak English well, or perhaps not even understand it"
What opposes that is, I have seen hundreds of times where the lack of this 'skill' makes people feel like they are lesser beings.
On my trip back to India, in the airport, I saw lots of aged people (who were probably parents of Indians settled in the US) struggling to understand the officials.There seems to be a whole lot of fear in them and a lack of confidence . These very people have raised families, worked all their lives and are probably important people in their society.Suddenly, they become nobody-s.There were lots of smiles and snickers from the so-called English speaking people.How infuriating do you think that is?
Granted, our medium of education is English.That gives us a common language to talk to the other people in India who probably speak different languages than what we do at home.But why are we thought to think that knowing English puts us one step above the others? Granted again, that it does give us an edge.There are a lot of places where usage of English is compulsory.We can't expect foreigners who give us business to learn our tongue.We are still in the process of trying to please them.We need them, not really the other way round, right?It even gives us an edge against cheaper labour from China. That is occupation driven, any other reason? We seem to value all things foreign more than what we already have.I have seen people ooh and aah when someone says "I can speak French" , Sanskrit definitely doesn't get the same reaction.(Off I go on a tangent again)
Getting back.
I know of an auto-driver who became one because he did not learn English, even though he's a degree holder with a 90% average from a Kannada medium.
I know of people who are scared to travel to other countries alone for fear of being ridiculed.
We do have a penchant for picking up more than one language ourselves, but why does that have to mean belittlement of those who don't know the 'foreign' language.
And the irony of this all is, I wouldn't be able to express all this, this fluently, in any language but English.There must be someone out there looking at me and laughing about me not being able to write in an Indian language,isn't it?
She’s standing in the balcony, arm outstretched . She always does that . It makes her feel like she’s holding on to a bit of the rain. Like she could hold on to that instant when the drop falls into her palm and make that instant last forever, by just closing her fist around it. That’s what I think she is doing at least. Her child-like enthusiasm about the smallest , almost insignificant details is almost contagious. It seems like the same things repeated over and over don’t really bore her. As soon as she senses it, a small smile plays on her lips, it seems to reach her eyes and en route bringing a rosy glow to her cheeks .. and in less than a minute , you can see her whole body bounding around with an inexplicable energy.
If happiness were this simple, if I could forget everything in this world for a minute and be filled with the kind of wonder and enthusiasm that she is, I would willingly choose to be blind. I call out to her, “Its time for today’s Braille session.”
Every time I see her this happy, for a second, feelings that most probably mean happiness seem to rise within me followed immediately by rage. She has never said a word. She has never really indicated either, but whenever I see her, all I can think of is how big a failure I have been. I promised her the world, when she stepped into my house as my bride. Today, the very palm that she holds out is calloused with all the hard work she has to do to make ends meet. Today, that very instant that she wants to hold on probably reminds her of the time not too long back when was genuinely happy all the while.Her not complaining about it makes it worse for me, like she is a saint and I am the villain who spoilt her life. “If you are done wasting time in the rain, go get some tea for your husband who works day and night to get some food” . I see the devil within me raise , I cant control him. He throws my failures into my face and I need to appease him. I turn my face away, I cant bear to see that look on her face, where she replaces true happiness with a fake smile for my sake. Why does she bear me? Just because I loved her once. What a price she is paying for that. I cant pity her either, for I know, I am in a more pitiable condition than her. I don’t even deserver the affection she bestows on me , let alone the love.
My sister is the prettiest girl in the world.I can hear her humming to herself. She always does that when she is happy ….. When I grow up, I am going to be just like her. “Didi, wait, even I want to play in the rain, I got the paper , can we make the paper boats now ?”
I don’t really hang around my balcony all day waiting for her to come out to her balcony, but “Thank You God, thank You , thank You , thank You !! Thank You for making it rain . Now just make her look at me. Just once. Please please please ” She looked at me, she just looked at me. She’s smiling at me. Or is it the smile for the rain that carried over. Should I smile back? Should I wave a hi? Should I ignore it ? She turned away ! !! “I am absolute jackass, I should have done something, anything”
“God ,Pllllllllease keep it raining “
I tiptoe upto her(not really required I guess , she dint hear my banging down the door either before I remembered I have my own keys) and say Hi . She responds with a “You are late! You missed the first few minutes !! “ It really is hard to not kick off your shoes, join in on the fun and jump around :D So, if you intend to visit us, just make sure its not raining when you drop by.
It seems so easy to give up ,so easy to buckle under the tension,so easy to crow down ,so easy to roll over and die ..... but it isn't as easy ,when u have a voice in your head calling u a coward for not having the strength to fight the tide .... it calls out ,to the last left ounce of self-respect in u ,to stand up –to be brave- to be yourself – to c the full strength of what u r able to achieve but lack the vision to see ,to understand ....
U r born with the ability to face anything that fate and God combined throw at u .... as a kid ,even putting your hand into fire would be just a new experience .... once u burn it though, u just get wary and next time around u devise a clever work-around to to probe into the fire without harming yourself .... but the desire to get closer to the fire ,to see, what makes it ‘tick’ , never dies out ... but as u grow older u wonder y question what u don't understand,just let it be ,y burn your hands ,does it really matter in the great schema of things if u find out y fire ‘burns’ ? does it matter when u have to put food on the table ?does it matter when u have to be responsible to others? Does it matter when u r trying to get ahead in that rat race ?
Do u ever look up at the sky when the sun sets ,trying to burn up the whole sky ? putting on the best show yet as it is drowning into sure death ! do u think of the brilliance of the riot of colors spread across the sky or does it just remind u that time is running out ..... y the defeated attitude ? y the feeling that life is slipping through your fingers and that u r not able to do anything about it ? y cant u listen to your voice –to your soul- y don't u get up?y don't u look around and realise the beauty that the world holds for u ? y don't u stand up and be a man! Y does another’s action inspire u only to die a premature death ? who but u can keep the fire within u going ?
Y give up ? don't die yet,put on your best face and put on the show that makes life seem more valuable than 50 years of study ,work and family ... do something that stands out as that beautiful pink streak across the sky when u look and realise that the sunset is indeed beautiful and can still take your breath away ....
I look out the window and see a group of dragonflies all seemingly strategically placed for maximum impact just waiting to pounce.Their indicators are on , blinking systematically every once in a while. This is far more interesting than I had ever imagined. They are actually polite enough to wait for the one that arrived before them to attack. There is just one path that has to be tread to get into the war zone. I see the first one from France approach the road cautiously and then pick up speed and then zooooom and finally make an awkward leap into the air that makes it seem like an over sized insect making its first unpracticed attempt into the skies, flailing its arms and legs(figuratively speaking) wildly. and then it moves into the open skies that seem to welcome it and lets it spread its wings.This is the part where the gawky awkward being becomes a majestic graceful bird.I can look at it for only so long until the skies swallow it whole. The war craft has left the base.And while I was still taking this in, Italy jumped in pursuit of France, and it went through the same saga that its predecessor faced.One after the other, I saw a couple of ugly ducklings turn into graceful swans.Each being swallowed whole by the sky , riding off behind the cover of the clouds in search of its own destination.I really do have to admire the operations control, they know exactly the right second that the next guy is allowed, all of them seeming restless, just waiting to be off, placating all of them, co-ordinating with all of them from so many different countries , each speaking a different language. Finally, my dragonfly with majestic wings(mine's the prettiest by the way) went down the final path and took off from Charles DeGaulle airport.
and oh, I am on my way home !!!
I have 3 cousins (girls) my age, all of us fall into a pool of birthdays within 6 months of each other.
I have missed the weddings of all 3. The first one, at the exact 'thali-tying' moment, I had stepped out to get my camera or something and came back to find that my cousin was officially married in the 60 seconds that I was away from the mandapam, which is sad considering I was with her 90% of the time since we entered the mandapam !! I missed THE part.
The second cousin got married last month and i was stuck here on another continent, seven seas away.
The 3rd one is to be married this Sunday and I am going to miss that too, my travel date back was postponed to 7th , coz we have a BIG release on the 25-26 weekend and "You have to be there for this release" and turns out, I don't have to be part of this release anyways.
So, I am stuck here for 2 extra weeks for absolutely no reason.
Life isn't fair is it?
You should not have a friend in Macy's who works in the cosmetics department for you never know what all you will have to face or rather your face will have to face. Well, I don't have a friend who works at Macy's and that should have been the end of the story. But then, when I was actually out there with my office pal, shopping for (cough cough, a bridal shower gift), she bumps into a friend, who at first shot, I thought was into painting. She had an apron with multiple pockets and brushes of weird shapes and designs sticking out. So, my pal decides to get a make over and I settled down to watch the fun. I don't know what happened next but the brush lady was attacking me and my friend was in my seat :( Saying "no" "No" "NO" " NO" apparently isn't enough) makes you wonder doesn't it, if its like a big hint "For heaven's sake woman, you need makeup, you are lucky you don't have to look at yourself, we have to" ;)
Well, before I go further, the only reason that this post came up is because I haven't tried make up before and being unexpectedly cornered into this was rather amusing.So, all that I was about to undergo was a truly new experience.
She started with some liquid that's supposed to "Clean the pores" .
Then we move on to Foundation. Now, she got a card with multiple browns on it and matched it with my face.I am a yellow-brown I believe (to think, all these years I survived thinking of myself as wheatish! how could I be so DUH! ), me being a yellow brown apparently made the brush woman happy coz she had the right shade for me! yipeeeeeee...
that rubbed onto to my face, she asked me , how do you like it, I peeped into the mirror and realised exactly how bad my skin was and how dull I was looking (hello, its 10 hours of staring at a computer monitor!) , but I couldn't see the effects of transformation from the old me to the new me yet. Still, I put on a broad smile and say, yeah, nice :)
Then, next comes powder , this is to be applied with the biggest brush she has, I notice . which is a hard thing to do, for I am half scared she's going to get something into my eyes and kept my eyes closed most of the while. So, she painted my face all over with powder1.
I said powder1 , for it turns out there's powder2 , this is the compact powder I believe , this one with a tint of rose.(Stop rolling your eyes!)
Another forced look into the mirror, nope , the ugly duckling continues to reign. They really shouldn't have those mirrors that seem to magnify everything, pores is one thing but when I saw craters gaping back at me, I had to look away.
This done, Step 4 or is it 5 or 6 , anyways, the next step was eye-shadow, finally, I got to choose the colour, pinks / blues or greens ... well, I would like to think that I am a blue person, but not for my face .. nah, after hmm-ing and ha-ing (like it was a National level decision), I choose brown (hey, I was trying very hard not to look like a rainbow). Now, I had to ask her, do people really apply so much ? and she says "I am not doing anything for you, people do a lot more" . Ignorance is truly bliss. :/
That done, it was time for eye-liner and mascara. I was asked to keep my eyes open and look at the ceiling while she used the mascara. That was hard.Try it sometime, having a foreign object on your eyelashes and looking up, not allowed to close your eyes.
and luckily after use of brush no.6 , they announced that the shop has to close. Relief. Whew, I made it out of this and alive at that! Well, both my friend and the brush lady seemed to like it, it was 'natural' make-up , almost not noticeable I believe.
Somewhere, the oil lamp got lit that maybe there's a swan after all. I reached home, thanking God that my roomie wasn't there to open the door(How do you think I would feel if she fainted or worse snickered!) .
"Mirror mirror on the wall, ..." I had barely started and the mirror shattered into tiny pieces.
Hey , I did not look that bad, I could have been the villain in episode 456 of Ekta's serials. I just needed gaudy lipstick and a black outfit.
I think I scrubbed my face 4 times in 15 minutes, making sure all the traces were removed from the scene of the crime.
Last heard, the ugly duckling was found suitable for the role of heroine's brother's fiends neighbour's daughter no5. Life goes on after all.
Craters or not, make up isn't for me, so , Make-over, move over - the real Myths is here to stay!
I am happy today !! way beyond happy, I have passed over into elated! I did it, I finally did, I got a learner's permit! I can actually legally get behind the wheels of a car in the US of A now!! (too many exclamation marks I see , not enough though) let me make it a little more obvious, I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, not really a big deal I know, but I know how it means to finally do something that you have been postponing for the last 8 months! yeah, 8 months, now you know exactly how lazy I am :)
I suddenly feel that I can do anything.
Someone I know said "You don't change just because things happen", and these very things that happen around you can make you feel like the 'king of the world' or 'down in the dumps'. What happens around you affects you in/directly whether you want it to or not, whether you allow it or not, whether you recognise it or not. You are but the summation of all your experiences, you are molded bit by bit into what you are today, governed solely by what you faced, what you chose to learn out of it.
From the General's Daughter : "What does not destroy us makes us stronger"
Anyhooooo, the point of the tangent being, I feel like I am on top of the world now and am unable to stop grinning, called all my friends and told them this.Got to hear "congrats", "finally", "u should have done this before", "want to drive at least once before u leave is it", "wow , u r lazier than me" and my favourite "you are crazy sometimes" (I gather this was because of the over-enthu voice with which I announced that I got my learner's permit)
but Overall, I am loving it, in case u r looking for me, you'll find me on cloud number 999!!!
P.S. I hear they are taking out an insurance on the area for a radius of 15 miles from where I live, people beware, I am going to start driving.And soon.
;)
Sitting in my balcony, there's a slight drizzle outside, the aftermath of a sudden downpour, "The General's daughter" by some guy in my hand ... Sudden thunder , I look up and for a second, for no reason,I smiled. I think rains are the most beautiful thing on earth. There's something very uplifting about them.
Just half an hour back, I was all set to go out for a walk, something about the sun setting at 8.30pm, makes you feel like there are hours and hours to spend after getting home from a taxing 8-6 job. But then, it was my turn to cook today, put the rasam on the stove and turned on the cooker with rice. Cut up some vegetables for making the curry, all the while telling myself that I will go out for the walk, just let me get this over with , so I will be worry-free.. and when I am almost done, it starts pouring , as pretty as it looks, I was a little :(
Got me thinking, isn't it the same with life, we always spend today doing things that we have to do and putting away "things that we like doing" for later on. And later on, if we don't get to do what we really like, we resign ourselves to 'fate'. Weird .
Well, anyways, I have my novels to read, a laptop to connect with to the world, a cell phone within arm's reach (have to stretch a wee bit to reach it though :D) and a voice in my head telling me how truly alone I am.
Ah, well, lets see what happened to the General' daughter.
Till then, keep :)
I have never been to a live show before.I have never been to New York before.Last Saturday, I was in New York , screaming away to glory at THE A R Rehman show.The man ROCKS! just plain and simple, he ROCKS !
The Indian community turned out in full strength, everyone , from the ABCDs to the mami's were there,I found myself looking wistfully at the Kanjevarams and the pretty salwar kameezes and was mentally kicking myself for wearing the usual jeans and tee to an Indian gathering.Of course, as expected, the biggest turnout was the spectacled creatures with brandnames screaming new money from all over, people discussing "I hear SAP pays xxx now" (if you havent guessed it yet, I am guessing you belong to the elite group of people who dont belong to the Software Industry).
Looking at so many Indians(if I can call them that) made me feel like I was in India, had me fooled , for all of a few minutes.Sigh*
We stay so far away from the 'comforts of home', the stuff we grew up with around us all seems a milion light years away(not a few thousand miles like it actually is). We know that this is a 'foreign country'.We are but outsiders,here for a short while (unless you are aspiring to settle here), What happens to "When in Rome,be a Roman" ? I spend most of my time trying to search for everything Indian.There is an indescribable pleasure in just finding a desi face(even if I am at the Indian store :D).There's probably something terribly wrong in the way human beings are made, yup, you thought right, I am hiding the fact that something is terribly wrong with me by trying to palm it off over all human-kind :D Knowingly, we make a decision to come here, far away from all that we hold dear. We watch a new culture, imbibe so many things from it , knowingly or unknowingly. We learn as much as we can while holding on to all that we have in us when we reached here. We change. We begin to think, to compare, to question, to prefer one aspect of a culture over the other, not liking either enough to say this is the best and end up becoming a bit of both.We slowly become part of the misfits that arent Indian enough to be Indians and arent American enough to be American.A cross-over happens, choices are made that put you into no-man's zone. But you arent alone there, you have all the other software guys for company ;)
Well, let me leave that for another day and get back to why I originally started this.
A R Rehman
A crowded stadium. The stage set up for the maestro.Darkness descends,the stage lights up. People walk in.Music starts.Excitement, anticipation and energy building up 360 degrees.The crowd literally waiting with bated breath for the magic to begin.And he walks in. It was like all the strain that was building up broke loose, and the house erupted in one giant scream of energy.
He played quite a few of his 'famous' numbers showing once again why he is the best. The nicest of singers, the soulful Hariharan, Sukhwinder Singh with the modulations(is that the word) that his voice made, the Rajasthani folk singer, Sadhana Sargam and my all time favourite - CHITRA, pure voice, childlike smile and the face of an angel . I couldnt believe there were so many people, so many music greats. There was a nice medley of the slow romantic numbers and the fast beats dance numbers.Then, there was the jugal-bandi style of the Monsoon song, all the singers lined up and sang in succession of each other, each egging on the other to outdo himself.They built up the mood to a crescendo. (for the first time I understood, what people used to talk about when they said Tansen could make it rain when he sang the Megh Raag). I almost believed that these people might have been able to achieve that feat! Then there were the music solos, Sivamani ! He rules, amazing pice that he played. Had people spell bound into silence.All in all, there were so many events, that I cant probably describe it all.
People dancing, tapping their feet away, swaying to the music. It was a sight to be seen and an experience to have been felt.The maximum applause for his older numbers like Dil Se or Humma humma, of course there was a huge-unending demand for songs from Sivaji.He actually managed to appease the whole crowd, with the punjabi numbers,the tamil songs and telugu, the instrumental, the world music, the 'hot' numbers, the 'religious' song.. the whole works. Really makes you wonder, how one man managed to create so much magic.
Well, kudos to him.As for me, it is one of the most memorable evenings that I have ever had.Definitely not going to miss any concert from now on. Dont miss it either if you get a chance.
Dil toh aakhir dil hai na.. Meethi si mushkil hai na ....
There's something magical about the word poetry that gets me all 'I don't have a word for it'. I admire and in the same breath envy a person who gets to express himself and do it with panache. If dealing with one's emotions is bad enough, imagine the guy who has the courage to express it out and then the guy who does it using poetry/shaayari as the medium. The emotion that one is feeling isn't enough, it should be expressed in such a way that you feel what the person was feeling when he sat down to pen it.
Beat a "Main aur meri tanhayee.." or a "Main shayar to nahin, magar aiy haseen,jabse dekha maine tumko , mujhko shayari aa gayi" or a "Yeh kahaan aa gaye hum yoon hi saath saath chalte" or the best " Main jaanta hoon ki tu gair hai magar yu hi kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai"
You can sense the love, the hope, the disillusionment, the heartbreak, the pain, the life afterwords. How it must feel to be on the receiving end of so much love, to be loved so passionately that it cannot be contained within oneself. Maybe the love of a poet is instrumental in bringing out the poet in him , but will s/he ever realise the beauty of the words strung together.Does it even need appreciation?No, the beauty of it is that it is a gift to be able to feel something and let the world know it.
There is one person I need to thank for having opened up this world to me, thank you :)
Will leave you with :
Ishq ne nikamma kar diya Ghalib warna hum bhi aadmi the kaam ke !
I remember trouncing a friend ages ago, who had made the mistake of saying "I go to a movie hall to be entertained, I want to see a few songs, a little romance, some sentiment, I want to see the hero beat up the bad guys and finally get the girl" ,I clearly remember thinking "Isn't he embarrassed even saying that?Is that all you look for in a movie, what about sensitive portrayal of emotion, what about making you think, what about finding something to identify yourself with? How can one be so 'Mass'?".
Not to say that I don't enjoy the 5songs-4fights sagas, but every once in a while , there should be something that makes an impact on you, maybe just for being a well-executed movie or for that one scene which etches itself in your memory forever even if you hate the rest of the movie. I wouldn't really say I am an advocate of true-to-life movies which throw everything in your face and force you to confront all that you have consciously or sub-consciously swept under the proverbial carpet.Given a personal choice, I would vote for all (or at least most movies to be)true story-types with a feel-good factor,aka, Hyderabad Blues or Mr & Mrs Iyer, where you come away with a new thought or a new view on something.
What is it with movies that depict real life.. Why do they always seem life-less!Considering the fact that they are made with a background that is screaming 'BLEAK' from every part of the frame. Will life with a background score become a movie ?
When I go and watch a movie that disturbs me, I abuse the director for having made it and then kick myself for having sat through it. Knowing a fact and not dwelling upon it makes it easier on the heart(mind?/sensibilities?).But when a movie enforces on you a terrible truth, you are forced to face it.(So much for watching movies that make me feel/think). I know that there is terrible sadness in the world, I know that countless people are waging battles to just get through each day, I know that I am but a very insignificant part of this world, but pardon me for not wanting to see that all over again in the three hours that I promise myself as entertainment, away from the daily grind.
Give me something that makes me laugh, something that transports me to another world, something that helps me escape what I see day in and day out(and what I spend trying to escape).
I owe you an apology my friend, maybe you were right after all, good guy beats up baddie and gets the girl. There's more to life than that, but heck, who cares!!
People trying to project themselves as dumber than the boss, just to make the boss feel good about himself.
People putting on a nice attitude with you only if a higher up is around else treating you like dirt.
People hating each other and still doing the air kissing.
People trying to hide info and hence make themselves indispensable to the project.
People 'sir'-ing others when it is a strict first names only environ.
People flattering others by a mile when whats deserved (if at all) is a metre.
People making veiled comments at others while the poor soul who is being ridiculed joins in on the laughter.
People trying to make a 'saas-bahu' mahoul in office.
People commenting on another, expecting you to side with them and then telling that person how lovely she looks.
People singling out and ridiculing / ignoring someone just because he has the courage to be different and not one among the sheep.
People going out in 'ethnic' groups - while keeping others away.
People trying to put off responsibility on another.
People fighting to be the boss.
The same people not wanting the responsibility that comes with it.
Favoritism amongst the same sex.
People always trying to impress someone or the other.
Mice will play when the cat's away tendency - two-faced or multi faced ?
No sign of doing something because one likes doing it.
Constantly trying to show that you are better than the guy who sits at the next cubicle.
People constantly cribbing.
Politics at the work place.
Describing a CtrlC+CtrlV as "I had to procure the file, verify that the data satisfied the criteria as mentioned in the requirement document and transferring to a more accessible location while keeping in mind all the security constraints." .
And what I hate the most about all of this is that the more I see of it, the more used to it I become and it doesn't look as sick as it used to before. Something about being constantly exposed to something that makes you immune to it and you fail to realise that it is not normal.
Everyday when I walk down the lane in my apartment complex, I see kids waiting for the school bus. [I know, I have been through all that torture and I still have to get up at that unearthly hour and go to work :(] There are multiple age groups of kids , the just-turned-teens who look like a cross between adults (the way they dress and try to project themselves) and themselves (its the face that gives it away, they still have innocence writ all over it) . I guess I could pick up some fashion sense from them at least ;) Well, instead of going off on another tangent again, let me get back to what I started out with.
Of all these kids, there is one kid that stands out, for I always see her mother waiting with her, she always has her arm around her daughter and they always seem to have some joke going on and the laughter fills the air. There is nothing unique about them, the kid looks like all the others around her, the mom too looks like just another face in the crowd.Today morning, I left home later than usual (ok, all of 20 minutes late!) , was closing the balcony door when I saw the mom hurrying across the lawn to get to the bus stand.She had worn an uniform that looked like that of the house-help that we generally see on tv. The first thing I thought of was Rosie(from Will and Grace) and it made me smile automatically. Then, I thought of her daughter and wondered what she must be going on in her head everyday as she packs her daughter off to school.
I hope she gets to be all educated and get a 'good' job which will be more satisfying that what I am doing. Probably.
Then , I realised that there were so many times I laughed at Karen's jokes about getting Rosie to do some huge task and then paying her a pittance that too only if asked to. It seems so funny on tv, but if we saw Rosie at home , trying to get her children to a decent school or trying to make ends meet we probably would curse Karen.
The nice thing here though is that the girl is an equal amongst the others that she is going to school with. That's the biggest difference in educational institutes that I have known and those out here. Here, every child living in a county has a government school to go to with no charges. The images the word 'Government school' brings up in our minds are no comparison to the schools they have out here.I have never known of any maid servant's children going to anything other than a government school back home. I have probably never even travelled with them in the same vehicle.
I remember my mom once trying to tell me why my grandfather had problems adjusting to the 'Harijans' are equals and can travel in the same bus that you can. I was surprised that my grandfather, the real grandfather types - you know, jolly and knows all the people in the whole town, could have had 'caste' feelings. My mom had a grand time trying to convince me that it was part of how you were brought up, to think that there were out-castes and you were a level above them, so changing something so deeply routed is harder.When I was adamant, she said, Lets say u were travelling in a bus (local BMTC) and Mary(our maidservant) gets on and sits next to u. What would you do ?
The automatic answer was What difference does it make ? I know her. but after a second, I realised that I may not be comfortable ( well, I knew that she had her bath only once a week or something) . But the point was I felt since she was a servant, I know she wasn't really clean , not because she was a servant , but because she never bothered about things like that. and my mom was like "Are you sure its only because of that?" I obviously wont have a problem travelling with her , theoretically, I knew for sure.
but some day, few years later, I was zooming on my bike and I saw her walking down the road(she had stopped working for us) , and I actually stopped and gave her a lift. Well, practically too I dint have a problem, but the day my mom asked me , a doubt creeped into my head , that said , it is easier to say you have to do the right thing, but if u have to do it , can you.
Anyways, back to present day. I guess I'll see the mother-daughter tomorrow again laughing carefree till the daughter is in the bus at least :)
I've spent the whole day waiting for it .Everything around me stands still in eager anticipation. The wind picks up making me pull my sweater tighter and hug myself. I don’t close the windows though. I want to see it straight when it starts. Everything looks so dull, it isn't gray actually but the sunshine that brings the warmth is missing. There I am, alone, all alone, my thoughts start to wander and the very thing I was waiting for happened catching me off guard. The skies opened up. Those first few drops danced their way onto the earth below oblivious to the fact that it meant the end of their existence. The rain picks up, faster and harder and more, the drops come down as though trying to wash away everything.
It’s my favourite part of the year, the first drops always bring a smile to my face, so why don’t they today? I close the windows now, I couldn't possibly get wet. They fall on the pane showing me that I can’t close them out, drop by drop, they form a beautiful pattern and then just disappear like it never happened. The rain has become too heavy now, it’s like a sheet of water and running down the glass. Everything suddenly seems blurred, I can’t see those trees .And then it happened, one drop rolled down my face. I dint try to stop it, I couldn't possibly. And then I knew I wanted to be there .I opened the door, the wind hit my face first and then the rain. It din’t matter anymore. I stepped out. I could sense it, bit by bit I was soaked, maybe by the rain, maybe by my tears.
I have spent my whole life accepting mediocrity as part of me, I have no qualms saying that there isn't really anything that I am passionate about enough to want to excel at it and push the boundaries.As I say it though(knowing fully well that it is the truth), it makes me cringe. It has always been in the air that you should be good at something, if only one thing, in life. It probably would be something that defines you as a person, it will be something that will reflect on your personality.Except for one phase in my life, there has never been anything that affected me for more than a day. Almost everything becomes a passing fantasy, it doesn't hold my interest long enough.
Once something fascinates me, I try to get to the bottom of it, learn it, perhaps well enough to be an amateur at it. But if by chance it so happens that its too hard to complete I just let it be , like it never happened. That determination to complete the journey is something that I always find lacking in me.Its so much easier to quit and live on with half-baked knowledge.
Well, the story should end there.The problem is, well, it just doesn't end there!
I have always felt respect for a person who can see things through, who just doesn't think of giving up, its like s/he has never heard of 'giving up'. Seems like they find so many ways out when all I can see are closed doors(Are they shut only on me?)People seem to have devised ingenious ways of 'attacking' a problem or work smart towards finding a solution and they seem to actually relish it too. While yours truly hates problem solving and doesn't really give anything enough importance to see it through.That too is not the problem. Its not really a question of I can change it and become an 'achiever', I probably don't even want to.(I am actually cringing again now) The problem is that I know this about myself and it makes me feel 'smaller'. There's something about 'falling in your own eyes' (yup, that was a transliteration, but it best expresses what I want to say) that seems to hurt more.Ignorance truly is bliss, as long as I did not know that I was 'made' this way , I was OK with it, but now when I see people around and having made the mistake of comparing the way they handle situations with the way I would I realise how (whats the word for it) incompetent I am .
Well,simple, you might think, you know what you feel is lacking in you, just do the right thing / start working towards a newer attitude.Well, I have tried, going all out and saying I WILL do (or die? :D ) this.Have even completed somethings that I probably wouldn't have thought possible, but then there are times when I just want to slip back into the comfort of giving up.It makes it harder for I know that it is easier to give up, the only reason I will myself on is I don't want to see myself a loser.
Everything is simpler if the world doesn't expect everyone to excel in something.
Everything is simpler if a person doesn't tell himself that he HAS to do this.
Why does a person push himself to do something ? No, don't say it is not because of the influence of the world around you, that you are doing it to please solely yourself.Sub-consciously, it has seeped into you that you have to be good, you have to be an achiever, that your value becomes lesser if you are not a go-getter , you cant satisfy yourself with being mediocre , you have to want to excel.
No, I am not blaming the world for making me think lesser of myself(but still trying to find someone to blame)
Which doesn't go to say that I am pleased with sub-standard work, I always put my best into whatever it is that I do, but I also put my limitations immediately around any task which results in the fact that I will never tackle anything other than that I already know how to solve.Fear of the unknown ? Fear of Failure ? Finding comfort in the Familiar?
But if new paths are not tread upon, new battles not fought , how will one's horizons expand?
and I come back to square one, where I know what I am but am displeased with myself for
a)not being better than what I am
b)for accepting it and having no issues with it
c)for not being able to change it
"Accept what is or change it so that it becomes what you want" is one thing I do believe in strongly,yet here I am not able to do either.
He removed the curl of hair that fell across her face. She did not even stir. Maybe she was lost in the magical world of dreams.The defiant curl of hair fell back again, as if it were not willing to go away from her pretty face.She is pretty, he thought to himself. His thoughts wandered back to the first time he saw her.
He was sitting by the lake trying to fight off the demons in his head, the searing voices that told him to stop, that showed him fear of death and hope for life in the same breath.His life had come to a standstill. He was walking away from all that he had done, he probably would never be forgiven by all those who had died at his hands, but he did not want any more blood on his hands.He had willingly taken up this path of life, there was no story of being an orphan and having no food, or having a father who was a thug.He had never had qualms about being called a murderer or a drug dealer.He saw the power that came with it.The fear in the eyes of people as he passed them by, the money that flowed in like water.The company he kept.That was the language he understood.It was worth a few measly lives.He never looked back with regret.Until that day.
It was to be a simple job.The assignment was a woman who lived alone. He walked into the room, her back was to him.She was less than 3 feet away, he took out his gun.As he pulled the trigger, the lady had turned around and in her hands was a child no more than 2 years.It hit the baby straight.It was the first time he witnessed so horrifying a death.There was no sound.There was no grimace on the face.A gurgling sound just melted into silence. It was the expression on the mother's face.She didn't cry, she didn't scream, she just folded into herself. She looked at him in disbelief, she clutched the baby in her hands closer and fell.
He did not remember going back home.He had wandered the streets aimlessly.He had gone to the river.All his horrors seemed to come back and haunt him.All the faces that had begged for mercy, all the nightmares.The night was gone and he was restless.He did not know what he was fighting.His way of life? Why was he questioning himself? He did not know , but he knew he would never be able to do it again.He needed to free himself.
The sun was bringing the day back.The running waters seemed to carry away his troubles with them.Today he had no place else to go.He lay back , watched the green grass and the small yellow flowers dancing in the breeze.
The sound of silence had always bothered him, but today it gave him his peace.He fell asleep and woke up to find a very concerned pair of eyes peering into his face.She jumped as he opened his eyes. "You're alive!" In more ways than one, he was reborn.
She stirred and it brought him back to the present.He pushed the curl back, gently kissed her forehead.She opened her eyes , blinked the harsh daylight out and smiled at him. She was his angel.She had guided him back into life. She made his nightmares disappear.
He sighed,he had made another decision. Today was the day he was going to tell her.Today he would have to put her through this.He would come clean.He loved her more than life itself.He could not go through each day with the fear of her finding out.He had always shielded her from the world and from him.More for his sake than hers, he had found love and he held on to it, but he knew he would have to tell her.
He sighed again as she looked at him with her questioning eyes.She could always see through him.The part of him that he had let her see. The part of him that she had helped him rediscover.She never knew how much pleasure the small things of daily life gave him.He was beginning to think of himself as a human being again.
He did not want to tell her but he also knew he would.He needed his guardian angel now.
Everybody in the world around me seems to walk with a purpose, places to go , people to meet, things to do . There seem to be so much on the mind, from the mundane thoughts of "Will I make my bus on time ?" or a "I hope I get to that meeting on time!" to the more serious issues like "I hope everything is smooth sailing at work today so I can get back home and take care of XYZ" or "I hope that ABC doesn't come up with a new thing to impress the boss and put my job in trouble." Life seems to have been reduced to being a run-here and then run-there and then get-here or get-there. We seem to rush through life, where's the time to stop and smell the roses. Everybody is hurrying along life at such high speeds trying to get to a destination that isn't probably even defined. Have half the people in the world ever even thought about why they are doing what they are doing ? Why is it that they are always rushing to get to some place?
Is it about motivation? Is it about achievement? Is it about satisfaction ?
What if you never had the 'inner-fire' to go out and take the world and come out on top of it? What if you have always been satisfied with your lot? You might not have gotten to climb Mt.Everest , but you got to go to the far end of the street you live on. Maybe that makes you happy! Maybe you want no more out of life than that which you already have.
Have you ever tried saying that to anybody, saying that "I have no ambition" , "I am happy with my life as it is at this moment" , "If this moment were my last, I would have no regrets" , people will look at you like you have probably committed a terrible unforgivable sin or make a horrified expression that says "I am not sure I am hearing you right, I don't understand how that is possible!" The sum of our life would be what we want it to be or at least what we make of the options available to us.
Who dictates what you are searching for from your life?
The world's opinion about "What defines a proper goal" or "These are the benchmarks that have already been set, you have to reach there if not better it" or "All around me are doing "XYZ" , I have to do it too and do it better than them" .
Does anyone really ever know what it is that they want out of life?Are you even searching for anything ? or are u just being pushed by the moving crowd and have no option but to let the flow control you ? Is anyone searching for anything ?If you don't know for where you are going , will you even realise once you reach it ? Or will you continue in the sea of people ?
Lets say, you know where you want to get in life, you have your own goal defined. Circumstances change people. So many incidents happen that mould you into what you are.The very way you think is influenced by all that you see around you.What you want today , you may not want tomorrow.So much so that tomorrow, you might even end up wanting something totally opposing what you want today.
Is it necessary ,at every step , to find happiness in what u have in hand or should u keep pushing yourself to find that elusive pot of gold just around the corner. Or perhaps, the concept of 'here and now' is meaningless if u can look back at the summation of your life and die with a smile !
And then again, is there ever an end to our journey?
The orange of the sky seemed to reflect off his bare shoulders, the glistening droplets of water on his back and the wet strands of hair falling across his forehead bore testimonial to his swim.It was the river bank that he was lying on now, trying to clear his head.The cool waters of the river always seemed to do the trick for him but today even they decided to desert him.He took a deep breath like he was trying to absorb all that was in front of him at this moment.
This moment where the sun was dying and the sky gracefully consented to let herself be coloured.This moment where the running waters seem to be calling out to him. This private moment,curled up on the river-bed, when he succumbed to tears.This moment when he is the most vulnerable that he will ever let himself be.This moment that makes him realise that the world as he knows it is crumbling around him. He wished for the power to still life, he would do so at this instance and keep this slice of life with him forever.
"Power", the word made him smile, involuntarily. He would never want for anything, never again.He made himself that silent promise.As the darkness descended around him, the flame of hope within him began to rise.
A new journey was about to begin.
All of mythology shows that God vanquishes the evil-doer Demon but isn' it He who gives these ‘demons’ those powers? Those dim-wits try to think of all possible scenarios to become un-conquerable when asking for boons and the gods (work like tax consultants/perhaps lawyers to) find a loophole and then vanquish that poor soul (of course,even the rakshasha turns out to be a demi-god in his previous life and he’s ‘suffering’ for his sins and attains moksha by dying at the hands of God Himself)
Let me re-phrase the whole thing.
Mr.Demon does penance for ages,stands on one leg, lets wild plants grow on him,fights all distractions, goes half mad but perseveres till he gets to see the Almighty. With a whole lot of cunning (whatever is left after years of solitude), he asks for one measly boon, (my fave has to be HiranyaKashyap, death shouldn't be inside nor outside, not during day nor during night , not by Man nor animal (nor God?)), God says "Okie-dokie ,Keep the change you filthy animal" and the boon-powered demon comes back to his kingdom ,becomes king and starts terrorizing people(who by the way probably never bothered about God so far coz they are happy with life as it is going) and then, this guy gets ahead of himself (he never took History classes or heard the stories his mom told him about how his ancestors were duped) and challenges God. Who of course , then descends from his siesta and then 'releases' this guy from his suffering.
My point is,
Why does He give boons that He knows will boomerang?(He CAN of course see the future)
Why does He wait till the Demon causes mass-scale havoc?
This is when people will have to look to God for help.This is when all start praying to Him.This is when He becomes the most-important.The worse the demon, greater God will be considered to be(after killing him - and it is a war that He WILL win). And after this , everyone gets back to their merry ways because they have no more troubles and then God decides to open a new cage to unleash a new beast.
Walking back to the present, let me try to apply that to a small-scale situation. There are always people who seem to have everything in the world , at least outward appearances tend to say that , yet a closer look almost always reveals that there is something missing.Something that makes that person unhappy from within(which is the worst kind possible, especially if it is something that he cant control ,no matter what he does or how hard he tries). Then , he will try to find solace, in quite a few things perhaps, but most commonly in religion or in meditation (which is finally the route to Him)
God doesn't seem to give man a chance to become vain and self-dependant. He wont release the leash enough to let man forget Him.No matter what powers we have, emotional, physical, mental - we find ourselves seeking Him (at some point of time in life).
What if we personify God , make him a man with his own insecurities and fears ?
Is it not possible that we are but his 'playthings / pets / slaves / students' and He would not want us to outgrow Him ?
Is it not possible that He is scared that we may not 'love / remember' Him if we din't need to , so He keeps pulling the right strings to make His presence felt ?
Is it not possible that we have no limits except the ones He wants us to believe in , but He will never let us know that?
Is it not possible that he is possessive about us and wants us to Himself ? Is He Scared of losing us ?
Look at the stars more often.
Watch the sunrise (with a cup of hot chai in hand )
Bask in sunlight.
Run out into the rain and jump into all the puddles.
Catch snowflakes.
Smile more , and spread it.(Smiles are contagious , aren't they?)
Find a cause that makes life worth living(to live instead of just existing)
Bungee jump.
Go backpacking in Europe.
Laze out in the backwaters of Kerala.
Search for that child-like enthusiasm for life that I seem to have misplaced somewhere.
Learn to recognise and appreciate beauty that is all around but is always beneath the surface.
Learn from those strong willed people who have seen so much in life and yet trod on like "Today is the best thing that happened to me".
Dream more (effectively Sleep more)
Cook one meal where all ingredients are in the right proportion.
Fit 48 hours into a day.
Try to make sense of silence, to appreciate the melody that is silence.
Find that silent corner in my head where all is clear.
Find all the friends I lost contact with.
Read more poetry(make an attempt to understand the finer things that life has to offer)
Drive a car down the West Coast Road.
Plant rice on a paddy field.
Swim in that stone walled village well.
Go to a river side tea-stall on the Himalayan mountains and have a cup of hot chai(nothing can beat the sight of snow capped mountains and the running river)
Go to the heart of a volcano.
See the Mona Lisa.
Go down a secret passageway in a fort.
Time travel.
Go on a helicopter ride.
See a kangaroo hop.
Go into a mine(lets make that a gold mine)
See how a diamond is cut (the transition from the rough form to that beauty which traps light within it)
Meet Maddy(Last minute entry ,influenced by : Pachandaname from Sakhi playing right now)
Extendable list!
"Beep beep beep" , my cell phone alarm went off. Turned it off , pulled the comforter closer and sank right back into dreamland."Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" , now that's my alarm, and that's not in the bedroom.Waited for all of 3 minutes for it to turn off. No such luck.It went on and on tirelessly (and let me tell you , it is a very very irritating sound) , so , dragging my feet , went and turned it off . No , I wasn't ready to open the windows , let in the sun and make some chai yet.I went back to sleep.(Wild horses cant drag her out of bed types).I think I was making a plan to travel back in time and murder the person who invented the alarm clock. Satisfied with the plan , I was just about to move on to better dreams where I .... the darned 2nd alarm went off. So much for trying to steal some more sleep.
Chai on stove , I pull out the shades and see everything is frozen , like someone put my backyard into the refrigerator(the freezer part of it) overnight.Everything had capital frozen ! There were icicles hanging from the balcony railings.All the trees had ice on their branches, it was like a glass coating all over. The sunlight diffusing through them made it such a pretty sight .It literally looked they were dipped in some sparkle-powder, shimmering like diamonds.So , there you have it , I have diamond trees in my back yard .(Hey , if money can grow on trees, why cant the trees be made of diamond?)That poor Christmas-tree looking shrub looked like some one sat on it ! honestly , all the branches were bent in different angles.That must have been the precursor to the day.
Turned out that there was a bad case of sleet/ice-rain/snow all night.The roads had disappeared , cars were peeking out from below white curtains.There was one word for it all , WHITE . White white white everywhere! It really is a sight watching people with mini-pickaxes all bundled up trying to clear out the ice from the cars.There was a 2 inch thick ice formed.Doors were stuck, sealed off because of ice. I saw two cases of broken windshields (how do u know if you are breaking ice or breaking glass!) , 1 broken door-handle , cars skidding off the road onto the other side (where thankfully there was no oncoming traffic).
Went to work 2 hours late(no , did not get a holiday) There's something really nice about being in school and hoping that it will rain sooooo bad that a holiday will be declared. As you grow older , you are supposed to understand that it is your responsibility that you get to work , come hell or high tide, and finish all tasks on time (or earlier if you want better assessment remarks ;) ) , so in the big scheme of things , deliveries aren't delayed (even if God wills against it.). I think I forgot why/how I started this sentence. Oh yes, back on track , I wanted a holiday to be declared. Turns out , it will be a holiday only if you have a laptop and can work from home. Well , you can take home out of work but not work out of home(Wow , that is a profound statement)
Anyways , got to work , dint walk to the reception , think i sort of skated / skidded on the ice .. Everyone moves in slow motion , like someone lessened the speed at which the movie is being played. At lunch I saw something that I doubt I will ever see again.
Everything was still , (of course the wind was blowing like it was nobody's business.but there was a calm). Let me describe the scene : A mile of a frozen river curving along snow-laden banks with diamond trees with icicles.
The sun started to shine , the icicles on the trees started to melt .The water dropped down , drop by drop. Like after rain, trees always have some water and if you shake the tree hard , you can have a mini-shower.This was exactly like that, except around 30 diamond-trees suddenly started melting. The wind picked up speed ,and the trees started swaying with water still dropping off.Sparkling trees , swaying to silent music and rain. Sigh!
With no warning , the sun disappeared , everything became 'grey' and then the flurries started, as specks at first, growing bigger with each passing second.And then , the flurries turned into rain , ice-rain . And then it all stopped and everything was still again. All of this happened in less than 10 minutes.It almost felt like seeing Summer, monsoon and winter in fast forward.
The drive back home was less treacherous. Got off early too ("Weather conditions are expected to get worse, it is advised that all employees leave as early as possible" is one memo that brings a smile).
Another cup of chai(I think I will shortly turn into the Tea-Monster) later , there was a 1 year oldie's birthday party to go to. (after confirming with the hostess that the party was still on and was not cancelled due to the weather) . Went to a toy store , It looked more like a science exhibition. Everything was a learning tool, there were no toys. Why did they stop making meaningless playthings? Toys are toys , they are meant to be carried around till they look dog-eaten (and then , they are to be stored). Well , to give them due credit , they did have soft toys. :D
That done, set off for the party . It is an amazing experience to be in a gathering where you know exactly one person.(and no, I did not even know the hostess)(and no, I did not crash the party , my roomie was invited and I was thrown in the "Your room mate is welcome too" category.And who can resist cake?) Then , you do what is best,you hang out with the kids ,I mean you dont have to make 'intelligent' conversation with them (and they are a lot more cute). But you cant compete with "Gauri is my best friend, I want to sit with her" and they kick you out of their world , back into the adult world.
After a few awkward "Where do you stay?" "Where do you work?" "When did you come here?" type of questions , I realised , every single one of them was married. The first question I got was "Did you come here with your husband or are you here on a H1?" Standard line.Like "I am Bond.James Bond." Well , anyways I came away with a whole lot of phone numbers and hopefully a lot of new friends.
And another Valentine's day passed by ...
And where does Valentine's figure in all of this! Other than the roses at the desks, and news reports about people braving the weather to get something special for their valentine , Valentine's is really like any other day. But it is nice to choose a day to do something a little more special.
Happy Valentine's day ! Here's to new friendships and affections. . .
Its been weeks since (proper)winter started, each day seeming to be as cold as the day before , maybe worse but definitely never better.When I got here , I remember calling up home and saying I was out in a temperature of 0 Degrees C and felt like I had done something exciting :D . Now , a 0 seems like a daily occurrence. If you thought the temperature is bad enough, Someone decided to have some more fun and threw in the chilly wind that make the temperature feel 15 Deg lesser than it actually is(How do people survive in Chicago!). It is very very sunny(most of the time) even on a cold winter day, a miracle I will never understand.I mean, it is cold because the sun is not available right ? or so I thought until I came over here :)
Well, once you are all warm and snug inside, the wind does provide lot of entertainment .It starts up mini-whirls of all the leaves lying around .My workplace overlooks a (now frozen) creek.Its looks like a big sheet of glass (nope, no one ice skates over it) .Right after it snows , there is an amount of snow that settles on the surface of this glass.If there are strong winds before the fresh snow melts or freezes into the creek , it makes a really beautiful sight. The winds blow the snow all over the place and it seems like the snow is skating over the ice(i know what you just thought , what weird imagination!) , Its like blowing fine powder off a smooth surface. It forms such pretty patterns, there seem to be winds blowing in all directions and the snow is not really sure which way to go . It makes people hold onto their flying umbrellas , pat down their Einstein-hairstyle , keep track of the papers in hand ( and this with all of two hands) and of course hurry in faster.
Hurrying from the parking lot to the warm Reception area takes exactly 2.5 minutes. After walking in one day , I removed the winter gear off my head and was trying to set my hair into place , unfortunately , what i touched seemed like a hard mass of some sort . My hair had actually frozen !! Serves me right for going in -25Degrees C weather with wet hair ! It had me laughing half the day though , imagine your hair turning into ice !! All the people around me had a field time 'tut-tut-ing' and giving advice about "You will fall sick like that!" . But believe me it was so amusing that I think I was a little :( when it thawed out !
and yes, it was -25 Degrees Celsius(and the sun was shining!)
A quaint little town tucked away in the hills .A pretty river running by on one side and lush green forests all around hiding it from outside view.The beautiful temple around which the town grew, the path to the temple with stones on either side.The majestic AnjaneyaSwamy statue by the steps before entering the main Rama temple.
The Rathotsavam in the evenings , waiting with ammamma at the gate,with the arathi plate with camphor.. or going down the gutta and then waiting with everybody ... and finally the chariot passing us by stopping at every house ..
Running down the stairs of the temple right into the Godavari .. Picking up the baked mud from the river banks and using it (as clay) to make matchbox-lorry's wheels and all other types of playthings.Playing for hours in the water , picking up multicoloured-multishaped stones and stowing them in places where Tataiyya cant find them (he would always pull our legs about throwing them away but year after year , when we would hurry back there for the next vacation , we would find them kept as safely as we left them)
Nights on the terrace,in the cool breeze , waking up to the sound of parrots or the sudden showers where the poor parents and grandparents wouldn't know if they should put the mattresses in first or all the monkeys who are having so much fun in the rain that they refuse to get inside the house.Talking of monkeys ,there was always an endless stream of them , having the bath-house outside the house on the other end of the courtyard, I remember the day when a cousin stayed inside even after the bath because there were monkeys on top of the 'sajja' :) 
The time we used to spend 'gutta-meeda' in the evenings , the walks till there and then just running around or 'exploring' the Ramadasu Mandiram or by that pretty-flower tree , collecting the white flowers with the yellow insides that we used to bend inside out and make it look like a designer flower ...
The guy who used to come down the road selling the (paper) 'rekulu' to make that yummy sweet (which is one of my favourites to date!)
The day I saw little pieces of ice fall with the rain (yes,in that hot little town with scorching summer heat of at least a 40 Degrees C and going up to 50 never seen ice-rain again to date)
The April 1st when I fooled my mom about the aakkoora guy (my first Fools Day prank)
The small little street behind the temple where ammamma would take us to shop , and I still have those 2 circular magnetic 'deity-snaps' 
The coin with Sita-Rama Kalyanam scene on one side and Hanuman on the other that I carry with me .
The fateful day I found out that the dhobis use the mud by the riverside to wash clothes and when I went "EWWWWWWWW" , my mom said what do you think your Rin soap is made of !! (Trust me ,I did not believe that for a very long time !! )
The Chicken-pox dominated summer where 6 cousins went out flat with chicken pox , all the neem leaves in the house ... 6 cranky kids getting on the nerves of the moms :)) (Should have listened to them and shouldn't have scratched my nose :D)
Going to the theatre which had the Shri Krishna design on the wall , remember seeing a movie where Chiranjeevi had worn this weird pink shirt , and of course he was the caped-crusader (Kondaveeti Donga I think)
The goli soda in the break with the colored marble stuck in the neck and the vendor pushing it in with style and the pop sound ! and how could I forget the Gold Spot !! Don't think they make that anymore , I remember, going out with Tataiyya and getting to have that was like a treat .... Oh and there was this time , when a cousin decided to go in for soda and said that it was the same as goli soda but just a little bit stronger , and he also added that there was the art of keeping it in your mouth (without swallowing it) (who'll manage to do that for the longest period of time) , should have never tried that , it felt like the insides of my mouth were being torn apart or being attacked by something . :))
The fights where we would stop talking to each other for a while or perhaps stop talking till the next vacation , (there were no mobile phones or perhaps even telephones in those days, and of course letter writing has always been an art )
Then again ,we would get back to 'stealing' the yummy mango pickles 'drying' on the terrace , finish it off and make all sorts of innocent expressions when ammamma used to pull us up for that :))
Sigh , summer vacations must have been the best part of my childhood ...Long nights with story telling ,evenings on the hill , mornings by the river , temple visits , nights on the terrace .. Seems like it was ages ago .. and yet , the memories are just as fresh ... 
Yummy Cakes , awesome gifts , pretty presents , a big party and laughter all day long .... This and all the happiness in the world , I wish for you doc ...
Many happy returns of the day :)
A long forgotten favourite song being played in the auto you get into and you cant help but smile.
The school bell at 4 .. "Viva's over , you can leave now" after that electronics lab.
The 10paise ice cream vendor's bell back home ..(the best ice cream ever ... better than HaagenDaz(I swear)) , pulling my grandfather away from his siesta and dragging him to get that 'paal-ice' on a stick!
A friend's voice on the other end of a phone after a fight.
That unique 'sound' in Shaan's Gumsum ho kyon song .. (anyone know what that is?)
My mom's lullaby..
MS singing Suprabhatam at 5am on a winter morning .
A bus full of friends singing themselves hoarse (and screaming at the top of their voice to scare people on the road when the bus stops :D)
Friends screaming 'Surprise' and putting colour all over your face and in five minutes every single one of your friends looking like an absolute orangutan(a multi-coloured one at that! ).
The 'hiss' when you put onions&mirchi into oil .. the pink and green sizzling together..
White paper boats floating aimlessly ... The pittar-patter of raindrops on the window sill .. or the plop-plop as they fall into muddy puddles ...
Sitting at the Madurai temple stairs by the kolan with the water lotuses , looking at the gopurams as the sun is setting behind them ... and a kid in pattu-pavda runs across with her anklets going 'chan-chan-chan'..
Looking at the green lawns from the 4th floor window discussing profound(:D) philosophy with a good friend over hot chai.
Lying down on that green lawn and looking at the bluuuuuuuuuue sky with cotton candy.
Poetry ..
Laughter ..
There must be a million more , but I can hear dream land calling me now ... :)
What makes u smile ?
I lost it all to a mere wind.
All year round , bit by bit , inch by inch , I put my heart and soul into becoming what I am today.I stand proud spreading out my arms to meet the sky , to reach out more and more everyday.
The child's delight when he uses me for hide-n-seek, the mother's content smile as she rests under my shade watching her child , the lovers' sigh as they pass by me holding hands .. this is all I get in return and that is all I ask for.
How can He put me through this?He chooses for me to fight the same battle over and over again.To restrict me ? To teach me ? I know not and I have no choice . My soon to be barren arms call out to me in undying hope that I will save them the shame. But alas .... I lose it all to a mere wind ..
Well, honest truth is I don't really know why we celebrate (if i can call it that) Republic Day. Of course , I learnt it in school , I hear people talk about it , get up early (even though its a holiday) to see the President's address and the Republic Day Parade. I use the occasion to be reminded of the fact that I am an Indian.
What defines Republic Day today ?
Songs like the "Vinara desham manadera .. " from Roja or "Yeh jo desh hai mera .. " from Swades ?
Having ethnic-day in schools/colleges and at work ?
Putting up the Tri-Colour at all important places ? perhaps at home or at your desk?
A mere holiday?
Don't get me wrong, I believe I am patriotic , It is with pride that I say "I am from India".(and I do get to say that very often nowadays :D)
Ours is the most amazing nation in the world. If I had to describe it in a word , it would have to be 'DIVERSE' .
Languages : One base and a dozen offshoots , and each offshoot with its own dialect .
Customs : Travel a few km any which way and you will probably find people talking a different language, wearing different attire with their own special cuisine, with their own songs, their own way of life.
Religions : Hindus, Christians, Sikhs, Muslims, Buddhists, Jains and so many more . Where else will you get to celebrate Diwali and Id and Christmas (and get holidays for all that too ;) ) Think of all the beauty that the influence of each religion has given us , from the temples at Belur-Halebid to the Taj Mahal to the monasteries at Kushalnagar.
Geography : From the snow capped Himalayas to the pretty Ghats down South, deserts and rainforests , beaches and backwaters. From Leh to Ramanagaram, each in its own unique way a path to the heavens beyond.
Think of the amount of exposure that we get to such a wide variety of ideas and beliefs , where else can we find the ability to co-exist as one.
The colours , the sounds , the people , the culture , the history , the knowledge , the power , the faith - all that stands for India .
People will always look to the past and say "We have centuries of history and glory behind us" . People will look around today and say "This country is going to the dogs". Will people ever look to the future and say "We are the hope of this country, we will take responsibility and shape our tomorrow"?
I believe that there is hope , there is that emotion in all of us , whether subdued or long forgotten , that emotion which knows how special it is to be part of this land.People may never get a chance to express their patriotism ,there may never be a need to. Or is there?
I have never felt that I have ever done anything that made me feel a part of this society, leave alone the country . There isn't really any avenue where people do something for their country, something like "All people above 18 have to join the army for 2 years" or a "All people should set up "x" amount of time to do social service" or something . I have always felt that there is no real sense of responsibility to the country instilled in me.Feeling part of a whole is something that I miss. Someday , I can only hope , that I can look back and honestly say that I did my bit for my India.
"On 26th January, we are going to enter a life of contradictions. In politics we will have equality and in social and economic life we will have inequality. In politics we will be recognizing the principle of one man one vote and one vote one value. In our social and economic life we shall by reasons of our social and economic structure continue to deny one man one value.How long shall we continue to live this life of contradictions? How long shall we deny equality in our social and economic life?"
-Dr. B.R.Ambedkar while presenting the draft for the constitution.
Happy Republic Day !
What it must feel like to be filled with passion! To come alive with an emotion that runs through you , setting you on fire !
How it must feel to realise that you are a coward , living in the shadow of the hope of all that you want to be !
What is not possible if you set your mind to it ? Or if circumstances push you into it ;)
I am still able to appreciate the small things - a song that brings back memories ,a memory that makes me smile . Thats all I need for now.
The wind was howling ominously . It was pitch black and not a soul in sight.She pulled her overcoat closer and clutched the umbrella tighter. The street lights were not working.The moon was caught behind the clouds.The only sound other than the wind was the steady 'click-click' of her heels.
There was still a long way to go. There was this weird feeling that gripped her, she could feel she was not alone , turned back a hundred times but could neither hear nor see anyone.She couldn't risk stopping either.She tried to move faster but was too tired to continue at that pace , as soon as she would slack fear would kick in and then she would force her weary legs to move , they would rebel against her and she would coax them , her mind was steady though the body was burnt out.
She had to get there. He would be waiting for her, waiting to take her away from the sordid mess that she was in.Another mile to go, she had been walking 4 hours already.Its just another mile she told herself,there is a city with life just another mile away , the city that can give you your life back.
She froze in her tracks.That was unmistakably the sound of footsteps.Her heart was thudding so loudly that if they hadn't seen her,they just might hear her.She broke into a run .The footsteps picked up pace behind her.There was no time to even panic, all she could do was run."Run , dear run ! Look , you are going faster than your brother, you should go for the Olympics someday", she heard her mother's voice after all these years.How did she get herself into this mess ? From that sunny day at the beach with the blue ocean to this dark lonely night.She broke into sobs,her legs gave way and she fell , face down.
One bullet,just one bullet, that's all it took.25 years of life,25 years of laughter , 25 years of fear ,25 years of memories - all taken away in one second.They had got her.It was all over.All that she held dear was over.At least there would be no more terror, maybe some pain but no more terror.She was free.
She did not hit the hard ground,she fell into something soft,she held on tight and looked up.It was him, she had made it after all.There were lights all around her.She had made it into the city.She just hadn't realised.She handed him the package that she had guarded with her life.
She smiled and closed her eyes . There was no more pain now.
What defines an individual ? Is it the same as that which identifies him? Perhaps, what he does for a living, where he stays , where he is seen spending his time or perhaps the people he surrounds himself with . Is a person what he portrays himself to be ? Would it be true that a person is but a mental projection of himself ?What if a person decides to truly look within and see for himself what he is , what he wants to be , what he thinks of himself as , what he puts out for the world around him and decides to fit all that into one?Are we finally just a summation of all those things together or are we none of those ?Would it be a disappointment when the realisation hits you that you are but nothing in the big schema of things or would you really understand yourself and pat yourself on the back for having made a difference somewhere ? for having left a mark in the time you have had ..Would we really want to find ourselves ?Would we want to face the truth ?Isn't life simpler without questions ? and what will one get if he questions that which cannot be changed ?Wouldn't one rather hide behind the facade and be happy in the delusion that all is hunky-dory ? Or would one want to unlock that door that leads to true self-realisation ?
I would want to live in my dream world where I don't have to answer those questions , yet when life throws up those questions at me , I do try to open that door .Scared as I am of what the path beyond it leads to . One step at a time ...There has to be light at the end of the tunnel , else someday I may just choose to walk back .
Yet , If I am happier with what I believe I am and perhaps know I am , why do I wonder if my sub-conscious holds the key to a lot more. Am I starting out on a meaningless quest ?
Do you know yourself ? Really ?
Inspiration for this post : -
Reach for the light
You might touch the sky
Stand on the mountaintop and see yourself flying
Reach for the light to capture a star
Come out of the darkness and find out who you are
-Steve Winwood
I have a mile wide grin on my face for the last 30 mins (thats the second time this week , though the first time, the 'idiot' effect lasted 2 whole hours ! )A lazy Sunday afternoon ... with absolutely nothing to do ... looked out the window , and there it was (cant believe I might have missed it ..)Heaven was descending ... pure white particles floating downwards ... My whole balcony became a white sheet .. the lawn was turning white and the green trees were growing old ... Even those poor trees without leaves seemed like they were spruced up by this ....It was SNOWING ... yipeeee !!I walked out barefoot onto the soft blanket that melted as i stepped on it ... yup, it was exactly at this moment that the grin plastered itself on me and showed no signs of leaving ... I heard laughter and looked around to see kids in the adjacent flat all excited ... and all covered up in true winter gear, while urs truly was standing out in pajamas and bare feet ... with all of us trying to catch just one of those elusive flakes dancing their way downwards ...Went in to get my camera and realised that i couldnt feel my feet (eeks, i still cant ) ... got enough snaps ..Had a sudden craving for hot chai ... made myself garam-garam chai with ginger ... settled down inside , with the window closed , chai in hand .. and watched nature put on one of her best shows .. well it is just as nice to watch the snow without having to feel cold :DActually sat watching the whole thing for half an hour ... It makes me feel alive ... Just like rain .. there is beauty in rain that cant really be captured by anything ...Somethings really have to be seen to be felt .... Ecstasy isnt that hard a feeling to feel after all, isnt it !well, for now .. Let it snow , let it snow , let it snow !
