Some day ...

The door to our home opens out to an Amla tree with abundant greenery to soothe the eyes, the neighbouring apartments with the watchman/car cleaner/errand-runner ALWAYS available, melodious religious songs playing so softly in the background (from some other neighbour's home), that you almost miss it when there are too many vehicles on the road.
Last evening, I stepped out out with a cuppa chai and was soaking in the sights and sounds when I saw that aunty from the apartments. Now, our house entrance opens to the North and what we see of these apartments is the balcony(probably a replacement of the back door of an independent house), the protective iron-railing which can't block the view of the kitchen, the grey fridge with small magnets on it and of course the apron-clad aunty always puttering about between the dining room and the kitchen.
I have ALWAYS seen her in an apron and at times felt wistful that she probably is an awesome cook and yours truly can never even get the salt right in ghar-ka-Dal.
We don't probably realise until we stop and give it a thought that we form opinions of people based on what we see (there's not much else to go on, I know !! :-P).
Now, my opinion of her is that of a cooking-cleaning-don't really care about how I look-apron wearing-housewife. And I sort of have the feeling that she's pretty good at it.
Now, why yesterday was different was because aunty wasn't wearing an apron. And that's why I stopped to think over my perception of her. And oh, there was nothing else different about her, she was wearing some non-decrepit salwar kameez, her oiled-hair was pulled into a tight low pony tail.She walked down to the ground floor, out the corridor leading the gate and I found myself thinking, "Nice, she's going out" and I was sort of disappointed to see her come right back with a circular dish-thing in her hand filled with sand. She had just gone out to get something she could probably use for some kitchen work and immediately, I felt guilty.
I have always sort of known that every person in himself is an achiever. Each one has varied skills/tendencies that make his life special and him even more special.When a aam-aadmi passes by me, he may not catch my eye, but he could be a teacher who liberates young minds daily, he probably has a great imagination and words to transport his students in a land of no-impossibilities. But to my eyes, he's just a old guy on a cycle with faded clothes. The point is, everyone can't show all that they are to everybody all the time. Which gives us a lesser right to form opinions.(Personal opinion :))
Any hooooooo , back to aunty.
Amidst all the guilt I felt in classifying her into one group and feeling sorry that her life seems so limited, I realised something.
I am not going to end up like her 20 years down the line.
I dont know what it means. I don't know why I dont want to be like her.
I know that if someone judges me and I fall short of some expectations, I won't hear it, just like that lady won't hear a word from me.
I know that my life will also probably have a lot of cooking and cleaning, its part of life, nothing to shirk from or dislike.
So why did I think "I am not going to end up like her 20 years down the line."
Life is mundane however much we deny it. Daily life is a normal phenomena.Expecting each day to be an epic adventure in itself will leave most people dissatisfied.
I think, I saw in her a resigned attitude towards life, each day passing by meaninglessly until its all over.And that I do not like.
Someday, I hope I will be able to look back and say, "Yup, I got to be what I wanted 20 years ago"

Housemaid's knee

Its official. I have Housemaid's knee(Bursitis) . Which in turn translates to me not being able to climb stairs / walk / stand / even sit without pain :(
Am 'resting' the poor knee now having taken a week off from work . Today's my last day off. And I don't miss work. I have actually studied the last couple of days, caught up with some stuff and got myself something that I have wanted since 1998 but never could do it.
Have been living at my mom's, enjoying the comforts of being a child again. I enjoy the conversations with my parents and siblings, its not the same when you talk over the phone or even when you drop in on weekends and spend a couple of hours together.
This is my family, my whole life was literally lived in these 4 walls, all my happy and sad memories, all the laughter, the dreams, the area .. this is what made me me.
I know that this is temporary, I enjoyed re-living something I missed. But it has also made me realise that I have moved on. I am not just a child anymore. I don't know if I really like that.
Sigh.
And my knee, I've consulted 5 allopathy(ic?) doctors and one from Ayurveda. It still hurts like crazy. The only painless period is early morning when I wake up and for almost 4-5 mins I don't realise that I have a right leg. I don't realise that it has to be treated special. I don't remember that I can't put any weight on it, that I have to keep it straight, that if I bend it (it allows me start the day with 'not-so-nice' words ) and worst of all that I can't afford to stub my toe on the bedpost like I usually do ;)
I love those 5 minutes :)
Well, 1-3 months time to heal I believe, say a little prayer for me people. Koi sunlega shayad :)
Pretty please with a cherry on top :)

Gems anyone?

3.10 pm Boring Friday afternoon.
I am going to get an achievement award at 3.30 for having stayed in this company through thick and thin, mostly thin.

3.25pm Get up to leave in the middle of a team discussion.Get to know that people who got the award last year were taken out to Grand Ashoka for lunch and given gift vouchers. But people were wondering, with all the recession issues, what would happen this year.

3.40 pm They got people to collect at the ODC, not even the Cafeteria and no mike on top of all else.
Maybe we were going to just get gems (that's a joke for insiders only :))
One by one, people collected their certificates and cards where teammates had wished them.
A couple of seniors spoke about how my company is the place where you can be what you want to be.
Which was appreciated.
Until another lady said "This is not a place where people tell you your role and give you deadlines and say you HAVE to do this"
Right! which s/w company would fall under that umbrella.

7pm I got home and realised, I have 4 years experience and they gave me a certificate for 3 years !!!

Weighty Issues

A colleague came back from a 6month onsite stint and says "You've gotten fat. I didn't realise at first glance, but now, yup , definitely"
I go "hmm hmm"
and she says "So how much weight DID you put on? 8-10kgs ?"

Sigh .

Last week, that salesgirl who kept giving me clothes in the "L" size, and when I finally got tired and said "Show me the stuff in "M" , she actually said "M wont do for you".

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh .

I know I know, I have realised it, not like I am totally blind. But the funny thing is, when I want to actually control my diet, I seem to crave food more.
Uahahahahahaha . Vicious cycle its getting to be for me.

With great power comes ..... a need for solitude

The road was poorly lit.There were a couple of street lights but none in working condition.There was a stillness to everything, like it was a picture and not a frame out of real life.An occasional wind was the only change in status.
He looked out the car window. He liked it like that.Once the dust that his wheels kicked up would die down, the place would look like it always had.People were terrified to walk that road in the day leave alone the night.That served him well. He wanted time alone.He didn't need the thousands of voices around him telling him what to do.He came here to listen to his voice, his only way of safekeeping it from being lost in the overcrowded mass that was around him.
No one would be able to single him out from the crowd.They felt he was one of them.He sniggered in contempt.He, one of them, that would be day. Even before the thought faded, he remembered the days when he tried with all his might to be one of them, to fit into them, ever worried that someone might stumble over his secret. Forever safeguarding it.He had never been able to shut it out.That he accepted defeat to.He learnt to use it to his advantage, he learnt to use it such that no one ever caught a whiff of it.
He could hear people's thoughts.
Not much, one could think. Imagine when every moment of your life was crowded with voices. You would try to see who spoke, but there would be no one whose lips were moving, but you could hear it.Imagine walking down a road, a million thoughts crisscrossing the air and all of them telling your brain that it was a sound.He couldn't shut it out.He hadn't found a way to do that.Yet.
So,once in every while, he would come to this run-down supposedly haunted place just to appreciate silence.To look at life like it should have been in his head.
Feeling like a misfit all his life, until the day he realised he was gifted in this special way.His contempt for would never let anyone know of this. The Power was all his to wield.

Does the mind go that way at all ?

I was reading something in the newspaper today , the gist of which was :

Pakistan needs India to take offense on an(y) issue and threaten it
which in turn will
justify Pakistan's need to mobilise their armed forces towards the India-Pak border
which in turn
can be used to convince the US that they don't have enough manpower/arms available to control the Taliban/Al-Qaeda/what not
which in turn will
mean US will provide military assitance to Pakistan
which in turn
means India bloody well be scared of Pakistan now.

WHY !!!
Why for the love of God aren't things simpler?
Why is India still on the defensive????

Telephone bill

I had to pay 2 bills today - the landline and my mobile bill. Yeah yeah, when you have an office where work day starts at 11 am , you get all the time in the world to do chores like this.
Anyways, I reached BSNL and saw a long queue at the cash counter, so I walked over to the Cheque Payment counter with a "Credit/Debit card Payment" board hidden behind it . There wasn't a queue and scarily no one manning the counter either.
A guy in the next counter looks up at me. Now this dude has that typical government official look. He's got his glasses perched at the tip of his nose, hanging to his ears by their last edge. And he was looking up at me trying to fit me through those rectangles. He says "Cheques have to be taken to Counter 1" .
"Cheque alla, Card ide" (Not cheque, I want to pay by card)
He asked me to take a seat and I did and was looking around.
A couple of people came with cheques, he had to send most away.He finally finished with the customer at his desk and came to my counter and as he bent to take the seat, current damar ..... He did not even sit down, he just went back to his seat with a sigh .
I was confused. The whole room turned dark. Power cuts in an office !!! Something that never crossed my mind , no computer UPS either !! shucks !!
after 3 minutes, the generator kicked in. Lights flickered back on. and all systems re-started together , the melee of Windows start-up 'music' filled my ears. The guy came back and patiently restarted the service, the printer and was so composed and slow-moving about it that it struck me, if a colleague at work was to face a system-restart in the middle of work, there would be so much impatience about them, shaking the living day lights out of the mouse (like that will start it faster ! ) , tapping the monitor, stretching, tapping their feet, making all sorts of noises - anything to will it turn on faster or use the phone to not waste even that 1 minute that the system takes to boot !
We try to fill our lives with all we can that I wonder if we have lost the habit of slowing down.
And veering back to course.
The system started. He used my card. I signed the receipt. I was about to leave when I realised he was waiting for something. The BILL !!
I settled back into the chair. And the lights switched off again.
He calmly went back to the ledger he was working on earlier like nothing had happened.
I did not know if I could leave or .....
"Payment has been done right? I'll ...... " (was about to say I'll leave )
"I have to give you the bill ma'am"
It had already been 20 mins since I walked in. Comparison was inevitable. I never faced these glitches at Vodafone . Hmm
Anyways, I finally got my receipt and walked out .
I reached the Vodafone store at 10.45 and wonder of wonders ! The store itself was closed. So much for comparison.Thank God, it wasn't the last date ..
And , talking of comparisons. I have always noticed that while most people complain about government offices(the only one I have been to is BSNL) , I find the people a refreshing change. They are polite or not polite. Take it or leave it types. There's no in-betweens. Oh , there are in-betweens possible . Walk into GK Vale in Malleswaram. You get to experience a weird politeness. The tone of the voice and the expression of the face says "Get out of my place you filth" while the words say "Thank you ma'am" . Its like they are forced to use those words by rote but don't mean a single thing.
When I said "Thanks" for the bill today morning, the BSNL guy gave me a smile. A genuine one. I miss that in other "Hospitality" areas.

Dinner anyone?

we were at Vc's boss's(PJ) place for dinner along with a dozen other colleagues and their families.
The start itself stunned me. There were a few couple already in the sitting room, around 6 couples (us included) walked intogether (by coincidence) . All the ladies (ALL) just got up from the sofas, joined the other ladies who arrived and moved into the children's room. Just like a herd.
And yours truly was caught in no-man's land .I didnt know whether to stay with menfolk or retreat behind the purdahs like women of 10 centuries ago(if then)
The consternation on PJ's face showed only when I turned around and asked him "Why did the women leave?" (Oh come on, how am I to know that you are not supposed to ask questions like that!!! I know I know, I should think before I talk, its not like I am in the college canteen... :D)
He gracefully handled the latest addition to the group saying "I dont know, you can sit here. That should bring them out. " I smiled my fakest smile and turned to find a place where Vc and I could sit together, when Mrs PJ came with the drinks tray.
Now, me thinks, maybe thats the reason the ladies left, they know its "Drinks time" and dint want to be around , but hey, if you know your hubby drinks, whats the big deal in being around , anyways....(and the drinks tray was brought to the ladies room later !!! )
And then, I decided to go the ladies adda instead of raising eyebrows and fueling gossip about Vc's wife is like this and like that.
Now that room was like the Mumbai local. 10 ladies and at least 15 children all in a 10*10 room. I dunked my head out to see if Vc could save me but alas, he was lost.
15 mins there, I realised that
1) I shouldnt fiddle with my mobile to keep myself occupied, it might be considered rude.
2) If you say no to wine, people assume you are being shy. It doesnt matter that you really dont want any.
3) Every one checks out the other, weighing out stuff.
4) Starting conversations with aunties IS tough.
5) What I hated the most. Children is ALL everyone is really willing to talk about.
"My son na, fell yesterday - he was fending off a bully. We weren't sure if we could come today" I look around for the brave boy and see him cleaning his nose on a shirt, so much for a hero-in-making.
"My son says he just hates girls. His father was saying, lets enjoy this till the day we hate his girlfriends"(Round of laughter, like it was a bright joke)
And someone catches my expression(I think I looked confused.) and says, "You wont understand all this yet. You should have children. Its about time too." And she bursts out laughing, while most others who had just shook their head in agreement, start smiling.
Vc was so going to get his ears boxed. If I was a cartoon, they would have seen the steam coming out my ears.
For the love of God ! I can still remember my school days, my first crush, being afraid of the teacher, sleeping in Bio class, throwball tournaments and what not. And here they were, telling me that I was getting old for the next generation.I am not THAT old.
Then, I really saw those women. One pretty thing who could pass for a college goer even now had 2 children a 5 year old and a just born(oh, she had to hear tons of feeding advice and I had to suffer that too :(()
There was the other women who proudly asserted that her husband was learning how to make tea after 15 years of marriage, now that she had starting working for 3000Rs every month. That is, after her children grew old enough to look after themselves, she allowed herself to do what she wanted.
The other lady who spoke to me wistfully that she wanted to work but couldn't because she married early and immediately had kids.She told me to work and enjoy it.
Of course, there was the Ice Maiden who looked down her nose upon everyone else. The lady who spoke to no one but her spoilt child who bullied all the other kids.
Oh and what did I do after 30 mins being cooped up there? I settled with the kids to watch HarryPotter on tv and was discussing the finer aspects of Rowling's work.
Come dinner time, finally, people came to be in the same room. I stuck to Vc like fevicol. and post dinner, I sat with the menfolk to see if really all they spoke about was shares, business and sports.
It was. Sigh.Maybe it was coz there was a woman present ;)

Morning morning.....

Darn it! Late again. Its a quarter past 8 and my brother is still getting ready for school.When I used to go to school, we had to be at our desk by 8.15 and we never had anyone to drop us.We had to huff and puff our way up that road on a cycle. Its all my fault really, I shouldn't have gotten him used to royal services like this. I made a mental note to myself to get him a cycle soon and ask him to go on his own.He doesn't even realise that I end up 20 mins early at office just for his sake.
"Yo bro, 5 mins more and you wont need to go to school anymore, the watchman will lock the gate"
"Why all the hollering? I am ready aren't I?? Lets go" . Whew ! We wouldn't miss being on time then. I was relieved.
"Hold it" and both of us froze at the tone. It couldn't be anyone else. It was mom. "Where do you think you are going without breakfast. I get up early to make it for you louts and daily the maid ends up with a feast and you go eat bread in those God-awful canteens".
Before she could launch into a full on attack, both of us gobbled half and held on to half the chapathi and ran out the door.
We were late, there was no doubt about it.I could almost wring his neck for it and he's looking at me grinning like we've won something.
"Wipe that silly smile off, I wont drop you back if the gates are closed.Lets see how you like walking back 3 kms."
That wiped that grin off his face, not completely though.

As I weaved through traffic, I noticed all the vehicles passing by.Not too many 2-wheelers, there was a light drizzle and that meant I had to be extra careful about the puddles and that splashing onto us.Not too many white cars either, I realise, probably because they get dirtier faster.
Just one more traffic light and I so hope the day turns out well.Monday mornings always tense me up more.There's the 2 day gap and its the start of a new week. Call me superstitious if you will but I need a good beginning and that nice feel to last all week.
There's the signal.I slow down and look around trying to find THAT one white car that I want to see.Its not there. Panic builds up.I look around and the bike sways and my bro holds on harder to me. I stop the bike to see if he's alright and out the corner of my eye, I see it.
It stops right next to me, just a little ahead.I cant peer in without looking like a roadside cheapo.Its got all dark-tinted windows.The window rolls down and the little kids on the road jump towards it.The chipmunks were actually waiting in the rain for her to give them their first earning of the day.
They must be as superstitious as me.
She's worn her gold bangles today and her nails aren't painted either. Must be wearing a traditional dress. Probably a saree.With a beautiful face like hers, she probably looks divine today. Her hair falling till her shoulders, fresh jasmine in them, a nice bottu, sandalwood paste on the forehead and smiling happily. Sigh.
I get a hard poke in my ribs and find my brother's face almost in mine "Le Hrithik, Ameesha's gone, can we go now?" I give him one knock on the head.Kids these days.Hmph.
With one last look at the disappearing car, I wonder if she really looks as nice in real life as in my dreams?
Some day, I hope I can see her smile. Till then, I'll hold on those bangles.

One Two ka Four

After struggling with driving around in Bangalore traffic in a car for over a year, I recently got back to my original machine, the Honda Dio.
Whenever I was behind the wheels of my Wagon R, I used to reminisce about the good 'ol days of the 2-wheeler when I could feel the wind on my face, (for a looooong time, I always drove the car with the window down to get a feel of the wind coz I just could not make out how fast I was going otherwise!! and no, I wouldn't look at the speedometer at the cost of getting my eyes off the road for even a second.) and back to the original sentence again,
.... I used to reminisce about the good 'ol days of the 2-wheeler when I could feel the wind on my face, being able to zig zag and cut, doing that weird curve on InnerRing road without reducing the speed, going through those small gullies where a car wouldn't dream of even trying, knowing exactly how much space I would need to make a turn, using the left/right mirror and knowing exactly how far/close to me the next bike is, cursing people with fat cars (yes, u read that right- I mean come on, people driving Taveras and Scorpios alone and blocking so much of the road, yeah, I had a warped sense of logic back then ;)), the feel of rain on my face and the look on all the other bike-people (who would have stopped under a tree or some shelter) when I would be the only one driving in the rain at 60-70... now those were the good old days, sigh !
And as luck would have, some one must have heard all my cribbing and gave me a chance to relive those days !
First things first, I drove around extra carefully for fear of having forgotten the art of driving like a college-goer. I realised that my bike wasn't what it used to be, the brakes work when they feel like, my using them isn't incentive enough! And that actually scared me !! The left mirror isn't there anymore (must make a note to ask B what happened ), so when I need to make a left turn, I have to twist my head around and risk losing control!!
Going out now isn't the simple matter of turning the house upside down for the house keys anymore, I now have to gear up, A jacket (to keep the grime and pollution from getting on my clothes, I NEVER said anything about suntan!! ), a headscarf (most helmet users swear by it) and the Helmet(which leaves my hair looking like an elephant sat on my had and flattened it out) .
I feel the wind on my face, I start to hum a song ... And then the troubles start ...
The first thing is, loss of personal space, a car gives you a sense of protection against the road and the people on it, I can roll up the windows and cut out the outer world completely. I have other bikers zipping so close by me almost touching me but cutting out in the last minute and it is at the worst in bumper-to-bumper traffic(and my bike doesn't even have a bumper!! )
The next thing is fear, I know now that even a little jolt will cause immediate bodily harm.The other day, some car dude kept inching forward from a side road onto the main road where traffic was stationary and so was yours truly, there I was minding my own business, waiting for the traffic to move and suddenly my world faces an earthquake, I am thrown half out of the bike - the car guy just decided to move forward to where God alone knows - A nudge of the car and the bike got a jolt. And he just looked away like nothing happened !!
Now, if mine was a car, all I would have to worry about would be repainting, if that.Thankfully it wasn't moving traffic and I didn't fall into any oncoming vehicle's path, but just imagine how vulnerable a two-wheeler actually is.
And the other pain is getting stuck behind an auto which spews out chemicals enough to kill a city and its all directed into your face, no windows to roll up or turn the ac on here. Talking of a/c , when its hot, its HOT, I get to office nowadays reeking of extra perfume just to cover the side effects of sweating !!
And the final straw is ID verification at the office, the same security guys who used to smile and welcome me in now gruffly say "Helmet utharo madam" after looking at my ID and then peer into the id and then my face, nod and only then can I go.
Oh, I am famous among the security guys in my office coz I am one of the few lady drivers and the only one who needed an office cabbie to park the car for her :) As soon as I used to enter the gates, at least one guy used to stay with my car till I parked it right for almost 3 months :)
I guess I miss my car, but I don't miss searching like crazy for parking spots, I don't miss having to go at the speed of the big fat bus covering the whole road in front of me, I miss listening to the music and the comfort of the car ...
I am confused now, I am not sure if I want to drive the car or the Dio ... I guess, I like a bit of both and can go to the garage and decide what I feel like using today and take offfffffffffffffffffffffff ....

Dreams talking sleep walking..

I restarted the application server after deploying a new build for the 11th time today and , believe me, it gets to you , staring at a Unix like screen, black with white formal characters passing by , scrolling leisurely while I wait to gain It’s majesty’s good grace , so it would start gracefully without spewing out errors left, right and center (all in black and white again, which rather adds to my boredom) And while I am doing that waiting, I chose to read some nonsense off the net and sometimes write some and torture the poor souls who trickle into this dusty corner of the web world. Nope, you can’t escape now, you’ve stepped too far into the web for your own good, and now there’s no going back !! uahahhahaha , wicked laughter that is.
Last Friday, I was doing the same when I actually dozed off at my desk. No, my manager did NOT happen to pass by and catch me snoring !! Fine friends you are !!!
I got up way before that, and went out for a walk.
Right outside the office gate stand the RoadKings (auto Rajahs, of course!! ) They all look towards me waiting for me to say where I want to go (so they can say no of course !! ) Dozens of times, I have walked out of office for an auto and they don’t even move a lazy eyebrow in my direction, and when I don’t need one, they literally clamour around and glare when I shake my head and say nope, I intend to use my own feet to walk down the street.
Everytime I reach the gate, another thought hits me, I wonder why my office is situated in such a sleazy area. There’s a bar opposite my office, garbage strewn on most of the pavement, a crowd that, lets say belongs to the Gandhi class of a theatre. And before I can start on the complaints list, I hear a voice saying, if it weren’t here, you would be spending 3-4 hours traveling to Whitefield/Electronic City, so I quit cribbing, hold my head up high and take off.
I walk barely 50 steps (and I must mention, I walk without making eye contact with anyone, I see shapes pass by and that’s it.) and I see a shape walking towards me , on collision path, and I look into the face, some ewww fellow with a sneer on his face, I move out of his path (for which I had to step onto the road ) unfortunately, there was a bus parked there and I tried walking around it and stepped out in time for a 2-wheeler guy zooming who, I dont think would have minded hitting me if I didnt get out of the race track. Back on the pavement, I held on tighter to my bag and tried to look at people to be aware of what was coming.
I was looking at some hay, and something wet by the pavement (could be sewage, am not sure), I tried stepping off again and the only gap where there were no vehicles against the pavement was filled with garbage which had flies all over it.
Nope, I didn't give up. Not yet.
Its like a minefield, I literally had to escape 4 fellows who were about to bump into me by 'mistake', some weirdo who tried to change his pace to suit mine and kept turning around if I fell behind!!!
I finally reach the shop I want, pick up my order and head back. an auto guy did a 'cut' and stopped in front of me to cut me off the road. I came to a standstill. I think my heart lost a fuse.Sitting in that auto was this guy with a kerchief around his neck and a villanous mole on his cheek, he twists out of the auto and gives a leering 'Where to' , I gave him a "Are you out of your mind? Do I look like I am waiting for an auto? I dont want one" and run back to the safety of the dirty human-repellant pavement and he mutters something (not printable I am sure).
I get my two-wheeler out of the office campus and wait at the red signal.Behind me to the left a scooter stops, I realise after an engine died down. I turn around to look and mulitple things happen and I was a silent spectator who could do nothing.The old dude on the bike had his helmet half off, he took aim and spurted out paan right in front of him, precariously close to my left foot. I am so disgusted that I run home straight for a bath, I scrubbed my feet like I would had I walked in a garbage dump. I mean who spits on the road, scores of mindless idiots I know, but who spits in front of himself at a traffice signal onto the center of the road and why did it have to be me next to that jerk !!
At this point, I should have had to get up in front of my system shuddering about a nightmare. But , yeh hai Bangalore meri jaan . Dreams come true. Friday evening, this one sure did.

Chitter-chatter

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in a group of people all time-passing. I laughed so much I had tears in my eyes. There were 6 of us but only one person was holding fort for almost 2 hours!! And the rest of us were just listening and continuosly laughing. I didnt even realise that until today morning.
Whom would you like to be, the gregarious, outgoing , everybody laughs at my jokes and all remember me at the end of the party?
Or, the silent, intellectual wit whom people love one-to-one conversations?
Me? I fall into neither category, I have my own. I cant command the attention of a group, nor can people bear 1-2-1 talking to me . Land of nowwhere, but to quote someone, "I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here."

One hour in the blogosphere

"These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others"

Those the gods would destroy, they first make stupid.

No country populated with people who have poetry in their soul and respect in their blood deserves the twin dark shadows of extremism and autocracy.

Aur sukoon itna kay mar janay ko jee chahta hai.(And such calm that I wish for death)

One thing I do know: I was with Sunila through labour and during delivery - if anyone says men are the superior sex, I will slap them right across the face.

There's so much out there! So many people pouring out their hearts and minds, so many people bordering on genius, so many who can express themselves better than Shakespeare. And all summed up in the anonymity of the "Unknown Indian".

Pocketful of Sunshine !

I actually named this one "Down and Out" and then realised I am not there anymore!
I was down and out all of last week. Started with a throwball tournament, both days of a weekend in the sun and we came back with a trophy and individual medals to boot. Then I went and took part in another tourney, 3rd(Monday) full day in the sun and this was at the Kanteerva, the heat was so bad, its a wonder I survived .
It was a working day and I couldn't possibly get an off for sports, so I came into work at 8am, worked 2 hours, went to the stadium, watched the inauguration, came back to work, and ... you get the picture.. back and forth for half a dozen times, we lost in the semifinals but it was a good game. I came back to work at 7pm finally, worked till 9.45pm, went home and crashed.
It took 4 crocins to see me through Tuesday. And on Wednesday, the fever hit the roof! We went to a doctor on Thursday , the chap made me smile . his first sentence on hearing that I have a fever was :
If it is more than 101, you should go to another doctor.
(me thinking: am I getting delirious too now, did the doc just say that, and anyways fevers of 104 are thing of the movies and only when you really have done something to fall that sick.I am safe here)
Do you want an injection or just tablets?
Why do I need an injection for a fever, tablets will do.
(Doc shrugs his shoulders like either ways isn't any of his concern)
(now I am worried)
Do you think I need an injection?
Upto you,your choice
(Another shrug)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh !!!
So, how much is your temperature?
(Me ? You're asking me !! )
I don't have a thermometer
Oh! you don't have a thermometer
(thank you for your insightful understanding.)
I had 102.4 (that would explain heat coming out me ears and eyes ;))
he didn't shoo me away though, he gave me 7 tablets per day for 3 days and "Lets see"
:))
Well, they seem to have worked. And I am back at work on Monday morning!
But, 5 days of bed rest is pretty saddening.Its boring not to be able to read or watch tv.I could barely sit up for 15 minutes forget walking around. And the worst part of it is not being allowed to eat ice cream! Ok, I did have a terrible headache, body ache, horrible cough, cold, and fever , but that's no reason to keep me off ice cream!!
Jokes apart, it is tough, not just on the person who isn't well, but the person helping too. Being helpless and cranky is a terrible combination. I am not sure why but not being able to do much reminded me of someone close who went through much more, much much more and always still had a smile. It needs a lot of strength to be strong for others when you yourself need support.
Sigh.
Well, back to today. A new day, a new week, 70 unopened official mails! Life begins all over again.

rOLE rEVERSALS aRE nOT a tHING oF tHE pAST aNYMORE!!

It finally happened.
I was at work, slogging away for no extra perks, no extra money, no comp off, no recognition on a Sunday evening while my husband was out shopping !!!

Its almost indecent, isnt it ???
Hey Vc,
We can go out shopping tomorrow, I can get off work early, unlimited budget isnt it? ;)

Uahahhahahahahahaha .. kahani mein twist!

From here :
...a particular plaque apparently engraved in the early 2nd millennium CE.....she interprets as showing amicable and very friendly terms between local authorities and a Muslim merchant trading from the Persian Gulf. This was a dedication written in Sanskrit which records the deeds of purchase of land and construction of a mosque. I saw that the same volume she quoted from also contained a second translation .... engraved in Arabic. The same translator gives literal translations that explicitly spell out that the merchant praises his own Sultan back at home, and prays that the Sultan’s dominion and his true faith holds sway over these heathen lands in the near future.
Where is the bhai-bhai stuff if one wants to conquer the other?
Where is the peaceful co-existence if one wants to prove that the other is the boss?
Where is the concept of all-religion acceptance if daily something comes up to show that there are differences? Someone not being allowed to wear scarves to a school is an issue. Someone not wanting to wear a helmet over a turban is an issue.Being allowed to put a red dot on the forehead is a victory.
Would there be a problem if people were allowed to live as they wanted, follow customs they chose(whether cultural/religious) as long as it doesn't hurt another soul. Doesn't the problem stem from the fact that one wants to make the other follow some customs that he may or may not want to?

If I go to Saudi, I will probably be required to cover my head and wear ankle length clothes and be dressed conservatively. That's the rule of the state there and if you want to be there, then follow our rules.Whether you consider that backward or oppressive is not our problem.
But when I come to India, anything goes , isn't it? So, don't the religious majority here get to make rules? Well, not really, because we Indians have enough sense to have a democratic, secular government. We allow for freedom of speech, we don't advocate harsh punishments, we let simple court cases drag for decades. Sab kuch chaltha hai yaar attitude rules.
You can do whatever you want and get away with it most of the time. Its like kicking your parents as children, throwing a tantrum or bawling at not getting what you want.They suffer it, with love.
But why should the country show love to one who chooses to abuse the freedom he has been given.
So, basically, India doesn't have the right to enforce rules other than basic humanity ones. Which is fine by me, that's what all governments should achieve to strive for.
India keeps trying to pull up the 'backward classes', most of whom are well to do. While there may be many who actually deserve it, they probably are not even aware that there are reservations for them.
India lets terrorists attack it time and again, gets hurt, stands up on the shoulders of the brave citizens who need to go to work again right through the bomb ravaged areas and the brave soldiers who brave it all to daily fight a war that gets no recognition.
The elected Indian government cannot take a decision without it being put to a Trust vote.
The right to criticize has given us so much power that we talk like authorities on issues we have bare minimum knowledge about. Perhaps like I am doing right now.
I always believed that we were a great culture, that this country will be a super power within my lifetime. But now that illusion has begun to fade away.As long as India cannot stand on her feet and fend for herself within and without, I see no hope.
but then again, "Picture abhi baki hai mere bhai.... "

Go Figure !!

I have one heck of a terrrrrrible headache since 2pm (its almost 6pm now) and the only reason I am still at my desk and working is because I don't want to go tell my boss that I can't do this anymore.
Grrrrrr .

Its always the small things in life...

I was walking back home today morning and saw this guy on a cycle selling flowers on a basket. And pretty flowers they were, Gundu malli wasn't there but there was sannajaji and this greenish-mallipoovu that I have been seeing a lot of nowadays.
Without thinking I went up to him and asked him to give me one moora and he measured out one long hand and wrapped it up for me.
Me: Yenta? (How much?)
Him : 5

And then it hit me, I was out for a morning walk, I wasn't carrying any money on me!!! I am so used to having a bag on me(with a purse :) ) that this was a first for me! I dug into my pockets just in case and found 3Rs.

Me: 5 illa, parvagilla bidi.(I don't have 5, its ok, let it be)
and started to walk away but he called out and said "Yeshtide?" (How much do you have?)
And he actually gave me the flowers for 3Rs saying "Bandbittu duddilla antha hogbedi, Devarigalva" (Dont go away just because you don't have the money, its for God isn't it?) and gave me a big smile!
And of course followed it up with "Rate jasti irovaga hegidru kodalla" (when its costly season I can't give it anyways)
and one more smile.
Now there was a smile that could last me all day :)
Oh , it wasn't the fact that he gave me the flowers for a lesser rate, it was his happy face and small talk with that smile that made it special !

August - Poojas, festivals and suttafying

I don't recall having a single weekend to laze. And since working days rule out lazing(officially at least ;)) , I have been doing things 19 to the dozen all of August. Every single day.
And so, I solemnly swear to kick off my shoes, sink into that couch and not do anything at all for ALL of September !
First weekend :
Skandagiri trek . For details of that place check this and this.
P.S. I love that Payaniga dude ! I so want to have my own travel blog after having read his (which would imply I need to travel a lot ! yipppppeeeeee )
P.S. to the PS : I don't have a write up on that, so borrowing from Payaniga.

That was a Saturday well spent, with office mates and their families. I collected at least 10 sets of curses and abuses for having chosen a trek for an outing instead of "Fun World". I am not going to be allowed to make any further decisions on "where to go's"
Sigh.

The Sunday, when everyone else had taken Crocin pain relief and didn't get out of bed, me and hubby dearest went out with my sibling gang to catch Christian Bale jump around in a Bat suit. LOVED Joker ! May his soul rest in peace.


Second weekend :
The newly weds had a homam to perform at the temple. Some sort of a shanthi pooja, I got to wear a new saree and all that, so ,that was a weekend well spent ! (that's my official line and I'm sticking to it!)

Third weekend :
Luckily this was a long weekend with Friday being Independence day. But I was barely aware of that. That's coz it was Varalakshmi Vratam also on that day. The pujari came home, lots of Poojas and praying to God for stuff :D Neighbour aunties all paying attendance and giving them some stuff each while they wished me marital bliss. All that was ok, but darn, all these pujas need for me to take Ashirvadam from Vc. Touching his feet and all hmph! and his holy majesty gives a broad smile , I give a "I'll kill you" look to the Poojari and he smiles back with a "I cant help it" expression. Indian rituals have it all wrong !! grrrr. Oh and I got a new saree again.
After the 'stress and strain' of all that , Sat-Sun should have been a vacation off, right ! and so it was. We were off to Sakleshpur. And here is Vc's description of it .
We loved it ! It is one amazing place. I mean we got to live in a coffee estate, wake up to the sounds of nature, red-oxide floor with kerosene lamps for light, constant drizzle! Haiiiiiiiiiiiii ... What more can one ask for !!


Fourth weekend :
This was the Krishna Janmashtmi weekend. Saturday midnight pooja at the same time as the one done in Udupi.I have never done this before but Vc does so year after year. And thus, new habits get added into one's life :)

Fifth weekend :
We had our first guests over officially on Sunday, so Saturday got spent in turning the pigsty into a home ! Most of the credit goes to Vc. Sunday morning was spent in cooking. All was spic and span and food ready, the hosts looking human again(as opposed to looking like escapees from an health instituition who toppled into soot and garbage and all else). We got a call from our guests that they would be late by 1.5 hours! I was never that glad in a long time !! Both of us took a moment to catch our breath. Sat down, looked around and felt so proud of what we had achieved, I think Vc turned all senti ;)
It was a evening well spent, catching up with friends always is isn't it?
And after that, we went out go-karting! Now that was FUN! You do end up with a head that has been shaken and stirred and beaten under the helmet. But it was worth it !

And right after that we had Ganesh Chathurthi. My favourite festival of the lot. Got up early (at least earlier that usual :-P) and went out with our shopping basket. The market was a riot of colors, flowers, banana-leaves, sugarcane, Ganesha idols, fruits ! I felt like a kid again, when I used to go out with my dad to get the prettiest Ganesha there was. Pick out the right flowers, pull grass from the neighbour's garden, mango leaves from the neighbouring farm, arrange the dahlias and set the fruits, get the text book of the toughest subject that year, pray to God wholeheartedly.
We never do grow old do we?
And just like that another month passed me by....

Ask a simple question

We went out on a birthday treat recently. The birthday girl had turned 30 that day. Generally the silent type with a smile always on her face. We tried to get her to talk a bit that day.
Somewhere in the middle of that I asked her "What sums up your life so far? What are your achievements? What, when you look back makes you proud?"
Before the sentence was complete she said "Nothing"
and that stunned me into silence.
I did not know what to say next.
Now, here's a woman who's an IT Professional with a Master's degree. She succesfully manages home and work and has an adorable daughter who's just started school. That in itself is an achievement isnt it?
We spoke more that day and we got to learn about stuff that made her happy and stuff that she was good at and all that but I barely remember any of that.
If someone asked me the same, I would probably answer it with an awkward joke, saying perhaps "Bangalore is still standing" or "Who has the time to achieve anything with deadlines like those in our project?"
But truth of the matter is there arent too many things I am proud of.
Oh, dont get me wrong, I take pride in being where I am today.I am content with life.
I know that if I push myself harder I will go where I want to reach faster(I will eventually even if I dont and that is my cushion ;))
I am who I am. I know it took my parents support and standing in society to get me to a point but at some point my individuality does seep in.

So, why dont I feel like I have achieved anything.
Because I have never worked hard for anything in life. Ever.
I have a wonderful family(husband included ;))
My health has been fair enough to me.
I have never wanted for money.
I studied because everybody does.
I took up a professional course since I never really wondered where my true 'skills/interest' lie.
I got into the 'working' chapter of life in the 2nd interview.
I have great friends.
I love life and never need to search for a reason to be happy.

So, why dont I feel like I have achieved anything.
Do I feel an achievement is something that happens in rarity? I mean, that above description fits at least 40 girls I know.(yeah, I know 40 girls !! )
Maybe.

So, why dont I feel like I have achieved anything.
Maybe it because I know I am capable of more but I stay satisfied with now and this.

Ask a simple question. Sigh.
Hey R, Happy birthday !

ICE Capades

I have no idea what the title means, escapades with my car just doesn't sound right..
I have come a long way from to keeping the car outside daily and waiting for my dad to come back from work to park it into the garage :D
I remember when I started saving up to buy a car. I wanted to get a nice mid segment car.Wanted to give a down payment of 1lac and take the rest as a loan. I did a little bit of research on the net.Went to a couple of showrooms with a wise friend (who claims to have driven a car since he was 8) and finalised on the Wagon R.
I can still recall all the times I would go to CoffeDay and force myself to get the cheapest item on the menu (no, Extra whipped cream cant be bought unless you have something with whipped cream already on it !!) I knew that every 10Rs made a difference.Took me 6 months(and it was worth it!) and a loan to have the money ready.
All of us went down to the car showroom to choose the color and all the extra fittings.
"Do you want to get a coating on the base of the car?"
"Power Windows will cost an extra 6000Rs"
"This is the best shade for a tinted window"
"Would you prefer the silver-silver, the golden-silver or the pearl-silver?"
Oh and I had just started going to Driving school. An hour from work daily in a yellow coloured Alto(which was what I first wanted, no !! not the yellow color, just the Alto). I can confidently say I dented the instructor's patience.He just couldn't understand why it was so hard to follow instructions!
My DL test was some fun. There was a long line of tense souls posing next to their cars. By the time I got to my turn, the fear, nervousness, knotted tension had all vaporised for I knew I was definitely going to fail it. The instructor sat at the back of the car (God knows why) and I got to handle the wheels for the first time. The policeman comes up to me and says, "Reverse in a straight line and come back"
That's it?? Me thinks, that's it??? I mean my instructor tore his hair out trying to teach me when to honk, (a light tap, not to long otherwise people wont care, a light tap sounds more confident) , how to reverse into a side road from the left and from the right, what hand signals to show ...
This cant be that bad at all then, I start the vehicle full confidence and reverse the car (of course forgetting to look behind, thankfully the stretch had been emptied for tests but of course no one doubts that you would miss a basic detail like checking at the rear end of the vehicle before reversing) I look up at the policeman, he's busy talking to another dude.
I reach the end point, I think I wouldn't have stopped if the instructor hadn't said "Now stop and go back forward" and literally had me jump out of my skin. You see I had forgotten he was there.
I brake. Press the clutch pedal down. Change the gear to 1st. Release the brake while releasing the clutch and the car jerked to a halt.
There I had it. I failed. The instructor said, "Move it, start it again" all the while looking at the cop who was busy still. I started and went and stopped properly this time.
And I Passed!
I know I know. I shouldn't have.
Well, I did and I got my brand new shiny car home, and for the life of me, I cant remember which shade of silver it is.
Went on a few long drives with my dad sitting in the passenger seat and guiding. I was so not good at it, esp when I had sole control. I wouldn't consider driving alone ever.I would just get too nervous. Day 2 that car was home, we were in a hurry to get somewhere. Dad got into the car asking me to move along since I was blocking traffic and at that moment some bright spark parked a 2 wheeler bang in front of my car, so much for the BIGGGG L board sign. A couple of people who had nuclear deals to sign started honking like the world was ending. I tried manoeuvring the car out and successfully made it without hitting the 2 wheeler. It got me so excited that I believe I forgot to straighten the wheels onto the road. I cut across from the left end of the road right onto the right end which had a gutter with a cycle in it leaning against a wall.
I remember dad saying "Brake Brake" . The last thing was him pulling the handbrake. My shiny brand new car went into the gutter and made multiple crunching noises and came to a dead halt.
I got out with my legs trembling/shivering (not sure what that's called). I couldn't believe it . I was horrified. I couldn't walk. People started to gather and all the nuclear deal guys just moved ahead with a shake of the head just happy to make it on time inspite of a bad driver wasting their time.
I was in tears by the time I got back home. Everyone was glad it was close home and no real damage was done. So was I, until an aunt said "Thank God, no one was sitting in the gutter" Can you even imagine what I felt then.
I swore off the car. It took the same friend again to teach me all over again and help me gain some confidence. The best and toughest part was trying to get the car moving when on an upward slope. And he did stop before he could teach me to parallel park ;)
Probably coz I left for the US. I did drive a car there. Auto gear and all that. I believe that gave me more confidence.
And once I got back, it took some goading from my brother to get me to drive again. One fine day, I was so pissed off, I just took the car out the park and right to office.
I just cannot get the car to move after it comes to a standstill.Even so, I was on my way to a real tricky crowded area. Looking back all I can think is , I must have been really pissed off.
I avoided stops as far as I could. Until I got into bumper to bumper traffic, where 1st gear is all you need and all I couldn't use. The car stopped. I was on the verge of telling myself that I was too hasty in doing this when I was not ready, when a auto guy stuck behind my car came forward, looked into my window and said
"Odsak baralla, sumne barthare road mele" (They dont even know how to drive and they come out on to the road)
And suddenly, I was relieved, that's the worst that can happen.
Took me quite some time to actually drive a car with some semblance of confidence but I do now.
The day I did the 3hour continuous stretch to a picnic spot through a highway and in city traffic, I had arrived.

and then ....

Everything remains the same and nothing remains the same at all !
Everything has changed and nothing has changed at all !
I am me, still. I think.
I am different, now I think.
The small things have changed and the big things are exactly as I would have wanted them. I can sense a difference but the essence is there strong as ever. I know not where each step leads, I know not if I will remain me, I know not how long he'll eat burnt food without revolting .... ;)
Well, I am happy and that I know :)
Mrs.Vc

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue

I stepped outside my home yesterday, as usual fiddling with my mobile, not looking where I was going and .... no , I dint fall, thanks for thinking the nicest thought that comes into your head.... I see this couple passing by, I absent mindedly turn back to my mobile and see that the lady has stopped and turned around and was gesturing to me. She says "Chennagidiya" and I go "hmm, smile ,neenu(darn I should have said neevu)?
she nods and then I realise who she is.
Now, the area I live in, at one point of time, fully belonged to just one man. A landlord / zamindar if you will. He passed away and split it up among 5 sons, all of whom have their houses on the street that I have my house on. The village turned into part of Bangalore, land got sold to all those new settlees and people like yours truly began to call that area theirs.
Now, the family of those 5 brothers still continue to have farms and have cows , so there's a whole lot of village atmosphere yet when you go to their homes. The menfolk sell milk in the morning, the women will help clean up the gobar, they have a dozen or so servants running around.
Now the children of this household grow up in an atmosphere of zamindari whilst having to do proper physical labour without shying away from it and yet go to colleges like Jyoti Nivas or Christ and see the 'other' crowd.
Now when I used to go to college, this lady (go back to the beginning of the story, in case you forgot who the lady is) and me used to occasionally go together. She was the typical homely traditional type, who nurtured hopes or should I call them dreams of graduating and becoming a working woman, independant. She was one of those soft spoken girls who had an ever ready smile no matter what.I lost touch with her and heard a little while later that she had given up studying for marriage. The only thing that came to mind then was fury.Now, here was someone who felt studying would make a difference in her life, someone to whom it mattered that she was educated, someone who had a dream.It was all squashed for a mere marriage. And as a bystander there was nothing else I could do anyways.
She got married and left for some faraway place.
And yesterday, for RamaNavami she had come home to visit her parents and passed by my place. We got to speaking, where are you now ... Are you working? She says , I think wistfully, "I am a proper housewife" and smiles.
Truth be told, she looked so beautiful and at peace with life that it didnt seemt to matter that she wasnt working or that she even remembered what she wanted 8 years ago.
ANd best of all, she still had that smile on :)

Of hillocks,cute village boys and jackfruits

I had gone to this pretty little temple recently. A mere 70 km from Bangalore, somewhere near Tumkur in/on DevarayanaDurga. The drive was scenic in itself and I had no idea that we had road toll near Bangalore, 11Rs to use the road aint that bad. And God bless Reliance for coming up with A1 and saving us the torture of using the roadside dhabas and dont even get me started on the restroom facilities.
Anyways, road tax given, cruising along at 100 kmph (nope windows not rolled down, was way too hot to do that) , it took us a while to realise that the radio was hissing not coz the poor instrument was spoilt but coz we had left Bangalore city limits. We did have mummy giving background music, everytime daddy went right over a hump at 100 :))
Villages, hillocks, lakes, greenery .... thats the way the world was meant to be wasnt it? what is it with metal and glass skyscrapers? Are there no more Howard Roarks left in this world?
We reach the temple right around noon before realising that temples arent open 24/7 , spoilt city people us being. but, to our relief it was open until 1. We had to climb a good 500 stairs , the temple's atop a hill in a cave and there's only so far that a car can take you. There was a nice breeze blowing, helping the puffing panting souls along to the top.
It was a temple as a temple should be. Stone pillars, stone floors, scattered crowd, sweet smell of camphor, incantations of Om in the background, calm breeze, a pretty sight around, a lake behind it and a smiling pujari. What more can one ask for? and of course, the alankaram for the deity (Shri Lakshmi Narasimha Swamy) was beautiful. To complete the pradakshanams , we had to walk around the 'enclosure', turns out we are standing on pure hill-rock and that had been cut away to make place for people to go around. We could see the road winding waywardly (I just liked the sound of that ,so its there... shh) and the green and before there was enough time to sigh we had burning feet to contend with , so we had to run back into the shade.
The prasadam there was by far the best I have ever eaten :D My mouth's actually watering right now at the thought of it.. the generous helping of ghee, the delicious food........ haiiiiiiiii
Darshan done, we drove back down to another temple of the same deity. The contrast has to be seen to be believed. This was almost our typical city temple, though there still was some stone work around and not all covered by the monstrosity called polished granite / marble. A pretty temple in itself no doubt but .... let me just say that the 20th century man had influenced it.
and the next highlight of the day, I drove back the entire stretch. Takes a bow :)

I wish I could find pointers to the lost memory locations in my head

A dozen things that I have been meaning to write about, things that catch my attention and I make a mental note to put it up and then time passes and I get caught up with all the boring details of life and I forget 9 out of 10 things that I should have captured and made immortal.
When you are in the midst of something happening, you tend to feel that the time/emotion is so precious or memorable that there is no way you can forget it. But time passes by and the nuances or those little details are definitely lost. The essence / gist might still linger in the recesses of your mind but you know that it is incomplete.That autograph book from the 10th std just before graduation, old mails that pop out when you are searching for God knows what, photos stowed away or those greeting cards bring back so many lost memories.
Ever wondered how it is that you can hum along when an old song that you havent heard in ages comes up. Its there somewhere in your head but you have forgotten that it exists isnt it?
Is life to be lost like that too?

Ignorance is bliss vs Knowledge is power.

I was having this rather interesting conversation with a friend yesterday in the midst of which I said “Not being aware of the options that you have lets you achieve happiness in your scope of life” and he goes “Yappa, now that’s gonna be in your blog tomorrow” .
Well, here it is :)

We were talking of arranged marriages.

He: Girls nowadays know exactly what they want, its not like they just accept what their parents decide is right.

Me: Obviously, they have just as much right to checking out all the options just like you would.

He: I know, it is pretty cool that they do. They want more than just a job and a family background, they want the personal details too. The girls of this generation have changed, I mean if I were to look for a girl the way my mom would do if she had her way, then I would just have to take sanyas.

Me: :)) That hard is it?

He: Everyone is educated, they know what they want. They tell me that they want to study further, I will have to go find a better job to be able to support them.

Me: :) Well, that’s the other part to it . If girls were married off before they really really figure out what they want from life, they will tend to grow into whatever they have. But if it is someone who has known independence and has learnt to think on her feet and fend for herself , she will probably have a harder time accepting a new person into her life whole-heartedly.

He: But that’s the whole point, she will be independent, she will be her own person, she will have a mind of her own. She will know how the world works and can look after herself.

Me: And because she does that, she wont be able to conform to the traditional Indian custom of being the docile wife who is expected to be one step lesser than her husband in all aspects, she is expected to be in his shadow. People may never publicly accept it and there may be quite a few guys who will treat a wife as an equal but the amount of people who can treat his wife as a superior being is almost nil. Most guys would probably want his wife to look upto him. How many girls who know that they are just as capable as him will want to ‘bow’ or ‘bend’ to his will willingly. If she does, it will be because she has to compromise, coz she doesn’t want any issue.

He: Yeah, that is sort of hard to ask a girl to act like she isn’t an equal, and of course guys would prefer to have the upper hand. And I guess girls would want a guy to look upto too. I mean they too have this culture ingrained in them like us.

Me: True. I guess it’s the way we are brought up.

(I don’t remember the conversation that went here)

Me: If someone were brought up in an atmosphere where she sees day in and day out that men resort to domestic violence at their whim and fancy, if she finds herself with a husband who thinks beating her is a norm, she probably would be able to devise a way to take it and still have a ‘normal’ relationship with him. But just imagine how appalling that idea would be to a girl who has always thought stuff like that was from during black and white movies. She would walk right out on that marriage if she couldn’t find a way to fix it.

He: :))

Me: She has her options open, she knows that this is not normal and that she has a right to expect a decent life. And she may chose to walk out but her marriage will be considered a failure though she is happier. Whereas the other woman would have made her peace and lived on finding happiness in the way she knows best. Having a limited vision lets you achieve the max in that scope. You believe you are happy and satisfied. That’s all that matters. Knowing too much doesn’t give you enough happiness if you don’t get what you consider ‘good’ stuff.

He: Too much knowledge is a bad thing, you should just have enough.

Me: Yeah, and how will we define that :-P

And then it trailed off. Well, this is but one minor aspect of the title but makes sense na.

Its the way words are strung together ..

Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.

Disclaimer : I cannot claim that I can write something that beautiful, though I wish I could.
Something that made me smile. And, EOD, thats all that matters :)

The smallest things are the hardest.

Today was one tiring day, I didn't do a single constructive thing. I was in such a sour mood all day, I had almost-strangers coming up to me and asking if I was ok(one wisecrack asked if he should get me a bucket! %^**&^*%^&%*%^&*), my teamie saying that he was feeling dull and that even when he came to hang out with me, I got him duller coz I was so "duh!"
Things happen to everyone, some people you stay away from when you know they are angry/sad. Some people always seem to have the same temperament.I literally cover the whole spectrum.Its a real wonder that people can actually stand me.
I screamed my head off at somebody today, even though it was my mistake.I apologise.I can't take it back, I wish I could. I am not as nice as a person I would want to be.

Jogger's stroll

You do see the darndest things when you are outside home before the sun rises.
Morning morning ....
I got to see all the shops lining the road with shutters down, I had almost forgotten that they were not 24/7 open.
The ladies doing the "sprinkling water in front of their homes thing" , was passing by one house, when I hear "Rangoli yenge chellam" .
Most side-road entrances had children from all possible classes with a uniforms of all the rainbow colors waiting with their mothers for the school transport. Those nursery kids who were holding their mom's hands. Older kids singing and playing those "hand-clapping games" with each other. Then there was this FAPS kid , must be in the 9th at least, and his mom was playfully slapping him.My fave though was the lone ranger dad waiting with his 6 year old son, and before I could actually go "Awwww" , the kid says, "Appa can you tell mummy to come" uahahahhahahaaaahhha
And of course the other "race" waiting for buses has to be the IT gang.
All with crisp freshly ironed outfits and the dog-tags around their necks.The guy walking while drinking tea, the guy who had stuffed water bottles into his laptop bag, the guy who parked his bike and started walking towards the bus stop with helmet in hand and of course the guy who was running for the bus like his life depended on it, he saw a girl look at him and came to a complete stop and started walking full calm , right until the second he passed her and then daud again !! he he he
Then there was that guy , who based purely on looks, doesn't look decent from any angle, he had this "Mom has just gotten me ready for school" look, hair all neat and combed to one side, all fresh and a big "Vibhudi" mark on his forehead, he looked soooooooooo paaavam !!
Mornings are nice. A clutter-free, thought-free mind is the happiest.

Raindrops are falling ...

It literally rained cats and dogs last night ! Got up in the morning to see puddles all over the place. They actually look pretty, even while being murky and all that ..
They have a calm to them, getting ruffled only if the wind blows strong enough and even then it just ripples through it and passes on, leaving it unaffected or of course some jackass on a vehicle does a "pachak" into it :)
A pity it wasn't at least drizzling by the time I was up, raindrops on the puddles would look even prettier. .. I was just thinking I would make some chuttu-puttu paper boats when the wind blew suddenly and I caught the fully laden jasmine tree/plant swaying gently as if in response and then a fresh white flower fell into the puddle.
And the puddle did not look that enticing anymore.
Talk about perspective. uahhhhhhhahahahahhahhhhaaa :))

Dawn

When was the last time that I got up early in the morning. All of last week. I have been waking up way before the sun hits the sky. Just me, my newspaper and my cuppa chai sitting outside and birds singing in the background.
Its like soaking up happiness from the sky, there is an amazing amount of energy that each morning carries.
Light dawns, hope dawns, smiles dawn.

Lazy me

I need to sit up and do something.
I cant believe all the time that I have wasted , whiled away doing absolutely nothing.
It has nothing to do with the fact that I am suddenly lost.
It has nothing to do with the fact that I am tired of being lazy.
It has nothing to do with the fact that I know I will never change.
It isn't because I am bored out of my wits wondering what to do with all the free time that I have on my hands now.
It has nothing to do with the fact that I have wanted to learn the guitar since '98 and never have tried to even start.
It has nothing to do with the fact that I still haven't filed my taxes for last year.
Well, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that a childhood friend actually told me that for the first time in my life she has seen me on the route to becoming obese.
What it has to do with is the fact that that damn inspiring song from Godavari is going on right now, everytime I hear it , I end up doing something with full josh.
Well, this was the fastest post that I have written so far. Well, me good deed for the day is done. The rabbit does want to rest, it knows the tortoise will take a lot of time to catch up.
Life goes on and always will it seems. Well, I intend to do something before it goes on and leaves me behind.

Sunday

I just burnt my fingers in the kitchen. Hold it right there, before you word the "Whats the big deal about that anyways" .
Let me tell you, I burnt my fingers trying to make tea. Yup. You don't really have to hold back the guffaws now. Oh come on, that doesn't really mean, that you laugh loud enough for me to hear across the seven seas :-P I was trying to add the tea powder to the milk when my fingers brushed the rim of the vessel and I sort of jumped up and in the process emptied half the dabba of tea powder into the milk.
Well, i did not really give up after that, I cleaned up the mess and made it again. I mean granted that I had to throw away half a month's tea supply, but the second time around, I successfully made the chai and my mom actually said it was nice.. lalalallalaaaaa....
Cut to scene2, I take the laptop to the terrace and write the above 2 sentences.I realize that all I can see around me are 2/3 storied buildings, all the time I was growing up here, I could see the vast expanse of green around, now suddenly all I see are grey dreary buildings.
I barely have enough time to let that sink in, when I hear noises and kids on bikes vroom-vrooming, I realize we have new neighbors. Where have I been? It is my house, these are the surroundings that I live in day in and day out.When did I go blind to the obvious, how did I start missing the changes.
Every space has a story, every day brings a change and i don't even notice that. Talk about being lost in your own world.Have you ever been there when your world is so complete in itself that whats on the outside doesn't make an inch of a difference.
what is it with me and tangents!!!
Anyhoo, I was still on the first 2 sentences when one of my oldest and closest friends pops up right in front of me, I haven't met her in like 3 months.I spent the rest of the evening with her, catching up on the gossip, counting the number of people from our class whose wickets have fallen down , the number who are throwing children's birthday parties too(boy was that rough to take!)
I mean, as nice as it is to go down memory lane, it also reminds you of how long ago all that actually happened and how old you really have gotten.I am going to complete a quarter of a century in a couple of days. I know I am old and the condition is growing worse by the day :D . I have no idea how to end this sentence/thought, so I am going to let it be.
and now , me watching Heroes on Star world, there was this scene where the guy is badgering the girl to accept that she is different, the girl gets really senti and tells the guy, "I am a freak, I am tired of hiding it from the world, I accept it now, you can go tell the whole world if you want to that I am 'different'", Guy just takes her in his arms and says "Just shut up" and flies off into the skies while she looks on with that I am amazed thing and he smiles understandingly.That scene was something.
Ah well, it moves on to more gory stuff and now I am off to sleep. Back to the daily grind.
Nothing ever changes, or does it?

It must have been really long ago..

A 'funny'/'different' color all around you, like you were looking with peach-tinted glasses. A stillness to everything.Then, there's a light breeze. There's that feel of anticipation of something to happen, like its going to start raining any moment. There's not a cloud in sight though. But the light's a little low for daytime. A perfect summer evening.
There's something beautiful and pleasing about summer evenings, like having tender coconut water after swallowing loads of sea-water. It always reminds me of the exams that I used to study for while sitting on the terrace / the stairs. The times when I was half torn between playing Holi with the 'gully' kids and studying for an exam the next day. Curse the people who set the exam dates. No points for guessing, I had enough color on me to put a painter's apron to shame ;)
Trying to mug-up what the Nuclei of a cell does while trying very hard to avoid sleep.
Being part of the first showers of summer, which always happened while I'd be walking up and down the terrace with half a kg of a textbook in my hand , supposedly studying, damn, I wonder how I ever passed! People from all the neighboring houses would run up to save their laundry and yours truly would need mom running up and staring at me lolling around in the drizzle for 30 odd seconds before I would come to my senses and first) Safeguard the book by putting it under the water tank :D second) start pulling the clothes off the clothes line by when of course they are all wet or mummy would have finished them all off and be off the stairs in a flash too.
I think I caught 3 of the first showers in summer consecutively and somehow wanted to make it a (whats the word for it, custom/tradition?) that I do it every year, there have been times when I have woken up from sleep in the middle of the night just to hold one of the diamonds from heaven on my palm. As crazy as that sounds. :) Always makes me sigh.
Where did those days go? I never thought I would miss studying, but what I would not give to go back to the 8th std.exams in March/ April were supposed to be the worst months of an academic year, but why are the only days I remember fondly?

Fair and Lovely advertisement !

I have been officially certified as a good choice to model for Fair&Lovely, the before picture that is ;) in case you just had a "jaw-dropping" moment. It was based purely on my skin-tone :D not a yellow brown (as per a previous discovery) but a chocolate brown now.
And what brought that about was 2 days of playing in the sun.
The Game : Throwball.
For the uninitiated , throwball is a game that sort of resembles volley ball, 2 courts with a net in between , 7/9 people on either side. A best of 3 sets match which has the teams throwing and catching a ball.
After a looooooooooooong time, I got to play the game.With just 2 rounds of practice, meeting some of the teammates for the first time few minutes before the match. And we still made 3rd place (out of 12) . Takes a bow. :D Have been gloating about that all of today afternoon, let me have my moment of glory!
Its like a whole different world that I had stepped into, like a page from my memory past. Teams in different uniforms, nets and courts with white borders, referees , coaches, cheers from the supporters, heck, even the medicine sprays! Its funny how stuff that you did years ago stays fresh in your memory, just like that faint whiff of perfume or that old song that you haven't heard in ages digs up those memories that you didn't remember existed.
I have this mile wide smile on my face right now. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !
P.S. I am out of Fair and Lovely. So, the chocolate stays.

Group vs Government

What would a government do if groups of people started arriving in a country and say "This is where we were destined to live, will you leave now." The government would probably laugh it off and get them off the land because the proposal in itself is so foolish, it isn't worth a discussion. So, the group now gets down to business, because they do honestly believe that this is their destiny, just like a madman would believe his philosophies with all his heart, no matter who says otherwise. The group starts planning, strategising, gathers forces and starts attacking at the civilians in the country. The poor things have no alternative but to run for they never envisioned such a scenario.The government is losing land and people and furiously tries to put out this "uprising" if thats what it can be called. Civilians are still on the run, the group instates its own government and declares to be an independent country. The world decides to poke its nose into the whole affair finally and the emerging super power with all its brilliance decides to support the 'group'. The government rallies to its neighboring countries for support. War. Fights. Fears. Displacements. Loss of life. Loss of hope.
People thrown out of their own homes and living as refugees in a time where war should not have happened at all, esp. when you have a UN body.
The strength of the group increases, they flock in from the rest of the world where their very existence is being threatened, so the land looks very lucrative. Now this group is a very intelligent sect. They have the brains, they have sympathy from the world because they were being seriously discriminated upon, they have the support of the super power.They gain power, extend control, make thousands more homeless while they make homes for their kind.
The poor refugees cant sit quiet now, can they. So, they start poking the elephant with pins. The result, they get branded as terrorists. The whole world, who probably never knew this country even existed, starts looking at this development closely. So, here we have terrorists who are agonizing their neighbors for not much apparent reason. We have pictures of a people who are suicide bombers and what not floating around. People killing others and not afraid to lay down their own life in the process. What is it that they have lost ? Why is it so important to them? There isn't even a full fledged war. And what is it that they intend to achieve with the only superpower and the UN not on its side? What guts do they have to continue with pins? and why don't they give up? But, since the label says 'Terrorists' , they are the bad guys, right?
Imagine, a group of Buddhists enter America and say, "This is where Buddha is going to be reborn and we are going to set up a kingdom of Buddhists, will you leave now", what do you think the government would do?
Will it support them the way it has Israel? Will it make US citizens terrorists?

Tata 2007

Not much to say other than "I'm glad its over!"

Been thinking what it was that I did this past year that it sort of sticks in my head as a 'not-so-good' year. I cant really pinpoint what it was. I think I was in that state where I was basically unhappy most of the time "cursing my fortunes and choice of things to do" and whenever I was actually happy, I held on to that feeling for as long as I could, like trying to really stretch it. I lived in constant expectancy of some sadness waiting round the corner to pounce on me. I felt the strain of telling myself to be happy and think above all the stuff happening to and around me that I couldn't make myself face/fight/find a solution for.
Away from all the people I know and love, away from the place where I was sure of myself, away from the place where I had someone to depend upon always, being away from the only world I have known the past 23 years I suddenly found myself facing my worst fears. Sleeping alone at night with the lights turned on, having to eat half-burnt food that I had to cook after coming home in snow from a 12 hour workday, having no one in person who I could call a friend, depending on my phone and internet connectivity to put me out of my misery, kicking myself for leaving the comforts of home and family and great friends to seek the world on my own terms, surrounded by people who were really nice to me but who I could never accept, living under the same roof with someone talking to whom would only be a disagreement, waiting all day to run away from the workplace, waiting all evening for night so I could sleep. Each sunrise marking one day less on my calender for the tenure in my 'living' hell.
Wow ! that does sound pretty depressing doesn't it! :))
And on the other hand, I also know that there was a whole lot of upside to this year, and I know I would probably be willing to go all through that again just for the upside!
Its only after you sort of hit rock bottom that you appreciate all that you have. Coming back home did that for me. Its only when I did not have it anymore, when I knew what I had taken for granted wasn't with me anymore that I learnt its value.
I figured out, that I CAN live my life alone and independently but I know that I don't want to.
I figured out that my family is the most important thing for me, above myself too.
I learnt that I don't always have to be strong.
I learnt that there are so many people out there who make my life complete and stand by me at every step.My friends who would patiently hear me out on the phone at midnight, who would give me the strength to get through that minute.I am so glad that we met!
I met some amazing people this year who I always want to be part of my life.
I realized that I have grown up, unknown to myself.

A year of lot of firsts :
I started this blog in Jan 2007, been a whole year now. Though I don't really blog regularly, this sort of opened up a whole new world to me. And the world of blogging gave me a friend I truly cherish.

I visited more than a dozen places in 8 months. From theme parks to monuments to trekking & whitewater rafting & beaches , I have been the perfect tourist and enjoyed every minute of it.It was these trips that gave me my new favourite friends and brought me closer to my old friends.

I got to see snow and catch snowflakes on my tongue.I got to make a snowman.I got to see Spring, I got to see life start fresh and trees bloom with flowers.
I got to go swimming in an ice cold sea and hold a starfish in my palm.
I got to do the Shayana puja to a deity in a temple , I got to do abhishekam to a Shivalingam.
I got to drive at 70 mph on the freeway.
I learnt how to cook (no matter how bad it tastes :-P)
I got to go atop the Empire state building and stand amongst the clouds(literally)
I got to watch a show in Vegas and gamble.
I got to trek the Grand Canyon.
I got to watch a live football match and make fajitas.
I got to attend a dholak(Pakistani style) and a bridal shower(US style).
I got to walk down at a street at 2 in the night without being afraid.
I got play sand-volleyball for my office team.
I got to meet a US marine who told me how it felt to break down doors while he was posted in Iraq.
I got to meet a Korean who told me I reminded her of her daughter and that her father stopped speaking to her because she married a 'gora'.
I got to go to a AR Rehman show and see a whole lot of performers at their best.
I got to travel the subway in New York city. I got to travel in a limo.
I got to discuss religion and philosophy with a cab driver who was from Russia.

I am actually smiling now, maybe 2007 wasn't that bad.

and then, one of my fave parts , I came back home! How I had missed mom's food and not having to take care of the responsibility part, back to my friends.
I attended the weddings of 2 of my closest friends.
I got to touch an elephant and see the sunset by the backwaters with a coconut grove as the back ground.
I actually started driving. On a daily basis at that!
I got to see an Arangetram, live.
I got to see a rugby match, live.
You know what, 2007 really aint that bad after all !

Well, with 2008 , I hope for a fresh start. A fresh go at life. All new, a blank page waiting to be written on. New memories to make. I hope this year, I can handle gracefully all that life throws at me, that I find a reason to smile everyday, that I can actually pass it on to someone else, that I appreciate what I have, that I grow up a little more but not lose the ability to be kiddish, I wish for so much more, I wish for flowers everywhere, I wish all around me there will be only happiness, I wish that all the people around me are always happy, I wish .... Oh if wishes could come true!

For all out there, I wish for you a year, that fulfills your fondest wishes and gives you mostly what you want but occasionally whats right for you too !
Have a happy new year , 2008 .